


you'll be mine & i'll be yours

by pleasebemysomeone



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Baby Lee Chan | Dino, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi is whipped, M/M, Oblivious Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, seriously this is so fluffy and soft, they live in a cul de sac
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2019-08-01 09:33:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 45,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16282094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pleasebemysomeone/pseuds/pleasebemysomeone
Summary: It takes Kwon Soonyoung nearly 20 years to realize he's been in love with Lee Chan for almost his entire life.// Or, an au where Chan and Soonyoung are childhood friends who live across from each other. Chan chases Soonyoung relentlessly and, in return, Soonyoung does his absolute best to deter him, until he thinks that maybe it's time to let Chan catch up.  //





	1. all i know is a simple name

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this because there weren't enough soonchan fics in the world and i'm a sucker for childhood friend aus. this is also the first fic i've published in like two years lmao.

Kwon Soonyoung is four years old when he sees the big white moving truck park in front of the house directly across from his while sitting in the bay window of his bedroom. He immediately runs downstairs to tell his mother, who informs him that this means they have new neighbors.

Soonyoung’s mouth breaks into a wide grin; he's always been eager to meet new people because they tend to absolutely adore him on sight, mostly due to his two missing front teeth and chubby cheeks. He follows his mom outside when she goes to welcome them to the neighborhood, his favorite stuffed dinosaur toy in one hand and the other gripping onto his mother’s fingers.

“Hello!” his mother calls out once they’ve crossed the street. “Welcome to the neighborhood.”

Their new neighbors, a man, woman, and what looks like a child no more than a year and a half old, return the smile. The woman waves hello to Soonyoung, who flashes his signature toothy grin, and then looks back up to his mother.

“I’m Lee Jinhee. This is my husband, Sungwon, and this,” Jinhee pauses, gently ushering the boy hiding behind her to come forward, “is our son, Chan. Can you say hi, Channie?”

The small boy, Chan, is over a head shorter than Soonyoung, with big, squishy cheeks and an shiny brown eyes. He manages a shy smile and waves, and Soonyoung notes that he barely has his teeth growing in.

Something about the way Chan is staring up at him, all glossy eyed and full of an emotion Soonyong doesn’t know how describe quite yet given his limited vocabulary, sets him off the wrong way. He realizes Chan must be staring at Soonyoung’s precious dinosaur toy, the stuffed animal he doesn’t even let his mom touch, and hides it behind his back, almost snarling, “Mine.”

_(Later, they’re cuddling in Soonyoung’s bed when he recounts his memory of their first meeting and how annoyed he was that Chan stared at the dinosaur toy as if it was his sun and stars. Chan, despite being too young to really remember any of it, insists he wasn’t mesmerized by the stuffed animal at all, but rather the person holding it. He jokes that maybe he fell in love at just a year old, and Soonyoung admits his four year old self might have felt the same way.)_

Soonyoung’s mother introduces herself as Kwon Yerin and mentions her husband Jaewook is at the grocery store. She ruffles her son’s hair affectionately and says, “This is Soonyoung. He’s four. We live right across from you.”

“Oh, perfect!” Jinhee replies with a bright smile. “See, Chan, that’s Soonyoung. He’s your hyung. Do you know what it means?” When Chan shakes his head, she continues, “It means you have to respect him. He’s older so he knows what’s best. Listen to him, okay?”

Soonyoung feels excitement well up in his chest. He doesn’t have any siblings and all of his friends are the same age or older (though his only real friends are the other two kids in the cul de sac, namely Jeonghan and Jihoon, so Soonyoung doesn’t really have too much experience), so he’s never been able to be the hyung in any situation. With Chan, he’s the one in charge here, and as he stares at Chan, he imagines bossing the younger boy around, the same way Jeonghan does to him.

Yerin must notice something in her son’s face, however, because she looks at him and scolds, “Don’t get any bad ideas Kwon Soonyoung. Just because Chan’s your dongsaeng doesn’t mean you can just tell him what to do all the time. Being his hyung means you have to take care of him. He isn’t going to know as much about the world as you do, especially right now, and that makes it dangerous for him. You have to make sure he’s safe.”

Soonyoung rolls his eyes but nods, wanting to avoid being further scolded by his mom. He doesn’t understand why Chan has to be his responsibility and dreads it, knowing it obviously means he has to change the poor baby’s diaper and feed him all the time, or something like that.

( _“You really thought that?” Chan says incredulously, laughing so hard he can barely breathe._

_“You didn’t have any teeth and couldn’t talk!” Soonyoung replies in an attempt to defend himself, though he is laughing just as hard. “They said I had to take care of you, so I just assumed the worst.”)_

Yerin invites the Lees over for dinner, to which Jinhee gladly accepts. The Kwons wave goodbye and return home. The moment they step in the door, Yerin tells Soonyoung to clean his room, which just makes him upset because it’s not like the Lees are going to be eating in his bedroom.

“And give me this,” Yerin says, reaching to grab Soonyoung’s dinosaur toy.

“No!” he screams, clutching the toy close to his chest. “This is mine!”

“I know, Soonie, but your toy is getting dirty,” Yerin laments with a sigh. “Just look at it. It’s covered in drool and chocolate pudding.”

Soonyoung shakes his head. The dinosaur is _his_ , and he can’t risk anyone trying to take it away from him, even his own mother. “No! No no no!”

His mother sighs and decides to give up on the fight. She shoos him away to his room and grabs the telephone to tell her husband to buy more food for the day’s events.

Later that night, the Kwon home is alive with guests. Yerin took the initiative to invite the rest of the families in their cul de sac, even old Grandma Kim Byulyi, who pinches everyone’s cheeks just a bit too hard and talks too much. Soonyoung is saved by the fact that both Jihoon and Jeonghan are here too, so it won’t be a complete borefest. They’re sitting in his living room playing with Soonyoung’s toy cars when the (other) Lees walk in.

“Welcome!” Yerin greets with a smile. “I hope you don’t mind the little mini party we have here. I thought it would be better for you if we had some of our neighbors here too.”

Jinhee gently puts Chan on the floor and responds, “Oh, it’s no problem! We’ve been meaning to meet everyone here, anyways; this just makes it more efficient.”

Chan wobbles over to where the other boys are playing and sits down right next to Soonyoung. He looks up at the older with the same uninhibited starstruck look in his eyes that makes Soonyoung uncomfortable, though he’s not quite sure why. He tightens his grip on his stuffed dinosaur. “What do you want, Chan?”

“Soonyoung!” Yerin admonishes. “Where are your manners? That is your dongsaeng and he is a guest. Introduce him to your friends properly.”

“Everyone, this is Chan. He moved in,” Soonyoung grumbles. “Chan, this is my best friend Jihoon, and that’s Jeonghan-hyung.”

“Hi Chan!” Jeonghan, their ever-so-mature hyung, greets. “I’m the oldest here so everyone has to listen to me.”

Jihoon musters a smile and says, “Hello, Chan.”

“You can stay here with Soonyoung-hyung and the others, okay, Chan-ah?” Jinhee tells  her son. “Your father and I won’t be far away.”

Once Jinhee and her husband join the rest of the adults in the kitchen, Chan goes back to staring at Soonyoung expectantly. He glances and Jeonghan and Jihoon with a questioning look in his eyes, as if to ask, _Do you see this too?,_ but both boys seem to be fixated on the toys in their hands. Soonyoung pouts and haphazardly hands Chan two toy cars in an attempt to get the younger to stop staring.

The four remain there for some time, running around Soonyoung’s living room and running the toy cars on the walls, along the stair railing, across the floor, as Soonyoung makes animated car sounds. Chan chases after his hyungs the best he can, giggling and babbling incoherent words while his small legs making a _pitter-patter_ noise on the hardwood floor. They only stop when Yerin calls them for dinner.

Soonyoung’s dining room isn’t particularly big, so his parents had set up some tables outside in preparation for dinner. Soonyoung grins when he realizes he has to sit at the kids table with his friends instead of at the boring old adults table, where all they do is discuss the weather and politics and whatnot. He looks behind him, expecting to see Chan stumbling over to follow him as he has ever since they met (which has been no more than 12 hours, but feels like a whole decade to Soonyoung), only to see Jinhee seat him in the chair next to her, ready to feed him some of the japchae Jaewook had prepared earlier.

Something akin to disappointment settles in Soonyoung’s chest, but he shoves the feeling away and settles for happily chatting with Jihoon and Jeonghan. He tells himself it’s nothing.

After they’ve all finished eating and chatting some more, the guests start to slowly but surely leave the house. Grandma Byulyi is the first to depart, pinching Soonyoung’s cheek hard enough to turn it a bright pink. The Parks follow after with a thanks and a wave goodbye. Jeonghan and Jihoon had both whined to their parents how they didn’t want to go home yet, so they stayed to play with Soonyoung and Chan a little bit more in the living room, but eventually they leave too.

Once the backyard is cleared, the elder Lees and Kwons come back in the house. They chat some more, and Soonyoung finds out Jinhee and Sungwon moved to Soonyoung’s neighborhood after they purchased a dance studio nearby, with the intent to teach classes there. After they’re done, Jinhee comes to collect her son, who already looks ready to fall asleep at any given moment.

“Let’s go, Chan-ah,” she coos at him. “Say goodbye to Soonyoung-hyung.”

Chan wobbles over to hug Soonyoung and he stiffens, not used to the closeness. He feels hot all over, but not uncomfortably so, almost like he’s been freezing all day and someone has handed him a thick wool blanket. His cheeks are burning red in the same way they do when Grandma Byulyi pinches them, but this is more internal, coming from the depth of Soonyoung’s heart.

It’s at this moment he realizes how _small_ Chan is. Soonyoung knows it’s expected, given their three year age difference, but he never paid attention to just how big the difference was between them. Chan measures a little bit under Soonyoung’s chin, so unbelievably tiny compared to Soonyoung, who isn’t exactly tall for his age.

They pull apart and Soonyoung already misses the warmth. As they do so, Chan grips one of Soonyoung’s fingers and tugs, as if asking him to follow and Soonyoung thinks he’d do so in a heartbeat. His own hands are rough compared to Chan’s, mostly due to countless adventures outside playing with Jeonghan and Jihoon. But Chan, Chan is so _soft_ , softer than Soonyoung’s favorite blanket, and so _delicate_ that Soonyoung is afraid the smallest scratch of a fingernail is enough to make Chan bleed.

His mind flashes back to what is mother said earlier and finally understands what she meant. Chan is tiny, Chan is innocent, Chan is fragile and Soonyoung wants to do everything he can to ensure he stays that way.

He’s Chan’s hyung, after all.

Jinhee smiles and shares a look with Yerin. The two women laugh softly, both with a twinkle in their eyes as if to say, _I know._

“Come on, honey, we have to go now,” Jinhee says to her son, who nods.

Chan pouts and tugs on the finger he has in his grip. “Soonyoung-hyung come.”

Time seems to pause. Every person in the room is holding their breath, eyes wide with shock, staring at the toddler. Chan, who for the entire day has spoken in nothing more than nonsensical babbles and grunts and cries, just said, with almost perfect clarity, “Soonyoung-hyung.”

Jinhee smiles so bright it almost hurts, eyes looking glossy. “His first word! Channie just said his first words!”

The others in the room share her joy, Jinhee planting kisses all over her son’s forehead while Sungwon hugs him tightly. Jaewook, ever so hyper and easily excitable, cheers loudly, while Yerin puts a hand on Soonyoung’s shoulder and crouches down next to him.

“Your name was his first word, Soonyoung-ah,” she tells him as if to emphasize just how pivotal that is.

“Why me?” Soonyoung asks after a pause. He’s so confused. He’s only known Chan for less than 24 hours and somehow that was enough time for Chan to learn his name and recite it near perfectly.

“I don’t know,” Yerin admits. “But I do know you’ve made a huge impact on Chan. Do you understand what I’m trying to say, honey?”

 _He’s your responsibility now,_ is the unstated message Soonyoung knows. _He looks up to you so much already. Don’t let anything change that._

“I think this is a premonition. Soonyoung is going to have a big role in Channie’s life,” Sungwon jokes.

“God willing,” Jaewook adds with a grin.

Chan finally lets go of Soonyoung’s finger and leans into his mother’s legs, eyes drifting shut with sleep. Jinhee rubs her son’s head affectionately before bidding the Kwons goodbye and her and her family make their way out the door. They’re halfway across the street when Soonyoung chases after them.

“Auntie!” he yells, a bit too loudly given how late it was.

Jinhee and Sungwon pause and turn at him. Jinhee says, “What is it, Soonyoung-ah?”

Soonyoung hesitates for a moment and bites his lip. “I...I want Chan to have this.”

“Your dinosaur?” Jinhee asks. “But you love this dinosaur the most. Your mom told me you don’t even let her touch it.”

“I know,” Soonyoung begins, “but I want Chan to have it. His first word was my name. He deserves it.”

“Are you sure, Soonyoung-ah?” Sungwon asks. “From the way Channie is looking at your toy, I don’t think he’ll ever part with it.”

“I’m sure.” Soonyoung nods.

Sungwon shares a look with his wife. “Okay, Soonyoung-ah, if that’s what you want.”

“Channie,” Jinhee states, “Soonyoung-hyung is giving you his dinosaur. You better be nice to him from now on.”

Soonyoung crouches down so he’s eye-level with Chan and says, “Please take care of this. It is very important to me and I love it a lot.”

He doesn’t even know if Chan can really understand what he’s saying, but the small nod is enough for now. He hands him the stuffed dinosaur gently, mentally bidding farewell to his beloved toy.

Chan grabs it and clutches it close to his heart, giggling and smiling the whole time. He kisses the stuffed dinosaur’s head and Soonyoung’s heart swells with affection for the younger boy. Unknowingly, he breaks out into a smile.

Chan then focuses his attention on Soonyoung and stares up at him with a smile brighter than Sooyoung’s seen so far, enough to knock the breath out of his lungs. It scares him, how even in the dim light of the evening, Chan manages to be the most brilliant thing he’s seen all day, maybe even in his whole life.

A familiar hand grabbing his finger snaps him from his thoughts. He looks back down and sees Chan still staring up at him with something akin to reverence. That calms Soonyoung, somehow, to know he isn’t the only one so completely captivated by someone they’d just recently met. Briefly, he wonders if Chan’s heart is beating faster than normal too.

Soonyoung wants time to stand still in that moment, but it doesn’t. Chan wobbles back to his mother, waving Soonyoung goodbye, and Soonyoung thinks he leaves with more than just the dinosaur toy in his hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by "everything has changed" & "mary's song" by taylor swift.


	2. friday night beneath the stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternatively titled "your hands are tough but they are where mine belong"

Soonyoung is seven and Chan is four when Soonyoung decides Chan is annoying. All he does is copy everything Soonyoung does, follow Soonyoung around wherever he goes, and look at Soonyoung like he’s some sort of god, spewing as much praise—“ _You’re the coolest person in the world, hyung!”_ —as he can.

The poor baby can’t even climb up the ladder to the slide without begging for Soonyoung to come with him— _“Hyung, come on, please!”_ — or asking for his approval — _“Am I doing this right, hyung?_ ”. Soonyoung usually replies with a roll of eyes and a sound of disinterest.

Chan doesn’t do this with any of his other hyungs, which has numbered to five now, since the Parks and Grandma Byulyi moved out. Now, some tall kid named Kim Mingyu, who always wants to play in the mud and doesn’t cover his mouth when he sneezes lives between Jeonghan and Jihoon. Soonyoung hasn’t talked to the child who moved into Grandma Byulyi’s house very much, but he owes that to the fact that the younger boy can’t speak Korean very well and is pretty quiet. All Soonyoung knows about him is he’s a year older than Chan, and his name is Chwe Hansol.

Soonyoung relishes in the amount of new younger friends he has to boss around. Unlike Chan, Mingyu and Hansol are actually capable of doing their own thing without needing constant reassurance. They don’t need to copy everything Soonyoung does, unlike Chan, that stupid baby.

Plus, Chan’s devotion to Soonyoung garners him copious complaints from Jeonghan, who whines “It’s not fair! Channie is my dongsaeng too!” and really, Soonyoung would give anything to trade places with him. It’s so unfair how Jeonghan wants nothing more than Chan’s admiration, while Soonyoung wants nothing more than for Chan to just _leave him alone._

This Friday, Chan is being especially annoying. It all started in the morning, when Chan came over to have breakfast and didn’t want the eggs Yerin prepared, no, he wanted Soonyoung’s cereal because Chan copies everything he does. When Soonyoung protested because this was the last bit of his favorite cereal left and Yerin wouldn’t go grocery shopping until next week, his mother had scolded him for “being a selfish hyung who doesn’t know how to treat his dongsaeng”, so Soonyoung had to give away half of his food.

Then, after the rest of the cul-de-sac kids came over for their daily carpool and climbed into Jaewook’s minivan, Chan didn’t know how to be quiet. He kept on trying to show Soonyoung the dinosaur he painted in his preschool class the day before, even though Soonyoung didn’t really care, and no amount of silence on the older’s part could deter Chan. The carpool is already loud enough, mind you, with Mingyu and Soonyoung’s endless energy, Jeonghan’s singing ( _“I have the voice on an angel! My mom said so!”_ ), Jihoon’s complaints, and Hansol’s hums to the radio.

The real icing on the cake was when Chan insisted on getting out of the car and giving Soonyoung a hug goodbye when Jaewook dropped the older kids off at their elementary school, with Chan’s preschool being the final stop. Chan didn’t even try to hug any of his other hyungs, which just served to humiliate Soonyoung further. He felt his cheeks burn and heart race with embarrassment and maybe something else, but regardless, he was still self-conscious enough to roughly shove Chan off and stomp to his classroom with Jihoon.

All of this was enough to leave Soonyoung seething in Jinhee’s car after she picks them up from school. He’s so mad he doesn’t even want to sit next to Chan, shoving his backpack, jacket, and lunchbox in the seat between them. Normally, the rest of their friend group would be with them, but Jeonghan and Jihoon had choir, Hansol had his Korean language lessons, and Mingyu went over to another friend’s house (Seokmin, if Soonyoung remembers correctly). This just means Chan has nobody to latch on to that isn’t Soonyoung, which makes his day exponentially more awful.

Soonyoung is busy pouting when he hears Jinhee’s phone ring. She answers it and after a few words are exchanged, she hangs up and makes eye contact with Soonyoung through the rear view window.

“Sorry, Soonyoung-ah,” she says. “That was your uncle Sungwon. One of our teachers had a family emergency today, so I have to go to the studio to teach his class. Is that okay?”

Soonyoung doesn’t understand why adults answer that question. It’s not like he has a choice. Even if he says no, he’ll either be reprimanded for being selfish or they’ll try to convince him to agree. Either way, he’s going to do whatever thing the adult in mind wants to do, so he says yes even though he knows Jinhee has already calculated the best route to the dance studio.

Despite knowing the Lees for almost half his life now, as well as spending far too much of his time with their son, he is still yet to visit their dance studio. Both Jinhee and Sungwon offered to give him lessons, but he would always politely decline, saying he wasn’t interested, though he really just didn’t want to spend more time with Chan.

The front of the studio is a beige color, something in English Soonyoung can’t read, with a glass door as the entrance. As they walk in, the studio isn’t as big as expected, with a narrow hallway lined with doors to what Soonyoung assumes are various practice rooms. There’s a desk with a woman sitting behind it, who waves to Soonyoung, Chan, and Jinhee.

“Welcome, unnie!” the woman greets. “Are you covering for Jongin-oppa today?”

“Hello to you too, Subin-ah,” Jinhee replies. “And yes, I am. Have any of his students arrived yet?”

Subin nods. “Yes. Hyunjun-ssi, Siwoo-ssi, and Junghoon-ssi are all currently getting dressed in the locker room. I believe more have already arrived as well.”

“Thank you.” Jinhee turns to the two boys behind her. “You two stay here with Subin while I go teach, okay? I shouldn’t be more than two hours. If you get tired, you can take a nap on the couch in our office. Subin will show you where it is.”

Soonyoung has no problem with it, since he really wants to play Pokemon on his Game Boy Advance, and here, he’s free of distractions, but of course the stupid baby has to protest.

“Mommy, can I watch the class again?” Chan asks. “I’ll behave just like last time! I promise!”

Jinhee sighs. “I don’t know, Channie, this isn’t the kids’ class. I’ll be with a bunch of adults this time, and I don’t think Soonyoung-hyung wants to be alone.”

Contrary to what Jinhee may think, Soonyoung would very much prefer to be alone rather than with Chan. He doesn’t hate his dongsaeng, per say, but Soonyoung doesn’t have too much love for him either, despite what Mingyu’s countless teasing may imply.

_(At their wedding reception, all their friends recall how obvious Soonyoung and Chan were as kids, and how everyone knew the two were in love within the first few minutes of seeing the couple interact. Even Jihoon and Jeonghan, who met the two when Chan wasn’t even out of diapers yet, claim they knew there was something special the second Chan stepped in Soonyoung’s house on the night of the day they met, because, as Jihoon puts it, “The amount of admiration in Chan’s eyes was far beyond what a normal one-year-old should have felt.”_

_“We both knew,” Jeonghan adds. “Mingyu just happened to be the first one to acknowledge it.”)_

“Please, Mommy?” whines Chan. “Soonyoung-hyung will be fine alone! I just wanna watch the people dance!”

“I’ll be okay, Auntie!” Soonyoung chirps. “I’m a big boy now.”

Jinhee smiles. “Okay, Soonyoung-ah, whatever you say.”

And everything is supposed to go on smoothly, but Chan decides he wants to be an even bigger nuisance today.

“Can you come too, hyung? Please?” Chan begs. “It’s so cool to watch! Everyone moves so fast well but they also go slow sometimes and even though that sounds boring it’s also super duper cool to see and—”

“Don’t be like that, Channie,” scolds Jinhee. “Your hyung can do whatever he wants.”

“But Mommy, I want Soonyoung-hyung to see all the cool things too!” Chan protests. he pouts and Soonyoung can’t help but note how shiny his lips look like when he does that, almost like he put lip gloss on them. It’s a good look, Soonyoung thinks, but quickly brushes that thought away.

“No, Chan, I want to play my video game,” Soonyoung states firmly and wants to deny the way his heart clenches at the flash of hurt on Chan’s face. He wills himself to glance at any other place in the room, but his attempt ultimately falls flat when he sees Chan’s puppy dog eyes.

He’s so weak for that look, really. Something about the way Chan’s eyes get so big and shiny, the furrow of brows, the jutting of his bottom lip makes Soonyoung completely willing to do whatever Chan asks. It works every time Chan does it, annoyingly so. Chan could ask him to set his comic book collection on fire with a bat of his eyelashes and Soonyoung would give in in a heartbeat, and so even though Chan has been nothing but a pest this entire day, Soonyoung caves. “Fine. Whatever.”

The bright smile on Chan’s face almost, _almost_ , makes Soonyoung forget about his anger, but he’s nothing if not a whiny seven year old boy who just wants to play video games, even when the excitement practically seeps out of Chan when he says, “I promise, hyung, you won’t be disappointed! The dancers are the coolest people I’ve ever seen!”

“I thought I was,” Soonyoung mutters, a pang of something unpleasant in his chest as he follows Jinhee and Chan down the hall.

The room has shiny hardwood flooring and its walls are lined with mirrors and bars. The back left corner has a pile of mats and a water fountain, as well as a group of around 12 men who look to be in their early twenties dressed in workout gear sitting down and stretching.

“Noona!” one of them greets. “I thought Jongin-hyung was teaching today.”

“Sorry to disappoint, Siwoo, but he had an emergency, so you got me today,” replies Jinhee. “You boys ready to work hard?” When all of them nod, she continues, “Then let’s get started!”

Chan and Soonyoung sit down toward the front where they entered. As Chan watches the older men warm up with interest, Soonyoung turns on his Game Boy Advance, ready to defeat the Elite Four. He ignores Chan’s occasional bursts of “Oh wow, that’s amazing!” and “Look, hyung!” in favor of evolving his Combusken to Blaziken and only looking up from the screen when one of the dancers, Youngbae, thanks Chan for the praise.

 _Sucks for you,_ Soonyoung thinks. _I can sneeze and Chan will praise me. You have to actually work for it._

( _“Jesus Christ, even as a kid, you were really fucking possessive,” Wonwoo says with astonishment._

_“He was,” Hansol agrees. “One time, he and Channie got into a fight and so Chan ate lunch with Jeonghan-hyung. Soonyoung-hyung saw them together and punched Jeonghan-hyung in the face.”_

_“I apologized for that!” Soonyoung defends, a scarlet blush on his cheeks while Chan merely laughs at the memory, curling closer into his now-husband’s side._

_Jeonghan makes a pained look and wipes a fake tear from his eye. He whimpers, “You know, some scars just don't heal.”_

_“Nothing’s really changed, though,” Seungcheol muses. “Even now, he still glares at anyone who looks at Chan for more than five seconds.”_

_Seungkwan nods. “Yeah. Sometimes I’m surprised Chan’s ass is still intact.”_

_“Hyung!_ ”)

For the most part, though, he stays occupied with his game until loud music starts blaring from the speakers, starling Soonyoung. He must look confused, because Chan informs him that warm up is over and the real interesting part is about to start, and Soonyoung rolls his eyes because he didn't need some baby telling him what was going on because he was a big boy and could come to that conclusion himself, thank you very much. He glances at the men performing and finds he can't look away.

They're all so in sync, with every kick and thrust and breath in time to the beat. Even the most subtle of movements seem to be in harmony with the song, and the more Soonyoung pays attention, the more he realizes how subtly the dance reflects the meaning of the song, from the harsh stomps and arm swings showing the anger the singer feels, to the softer taps depicting the sadness the singer has for her former lover.

He remembers the performances in school he and his classmates would do for their families at the end of the year. The dances were self explanatory. Wiggling arms up and down signified waves; fluttering fingers from above the head to waist was meant to be rain; pushing two hands in front of oneself and then slithering side to side was supposed to be a snake. It was simple, easy, and if nobody was in sync, that just made it look even cuter.

This dance, however, is far from it. The rhythm, the timing, everything is done for a reason and although that reason isn't obvious, it makes it all the more intriguing to watch. It’s as if they’re telling a story with their bodies and Soonyoung feels like he's seen a whole new world.

He continues to watch and doesn’t notice nearly two hours have gone by until Jinhee shuts the music off and bids her students farewell. Soonyoung snaps back into reality and can’t believe something as simple as bodies moving could capture all his attention so fast and for so long. He’s never been so amazed by something before and wants to live in the feeling for as long as he can.

The wonderstruck feeling doesn’t leave him even as they’re leaving the studio, ready to go home. He wants to be a part of the magic, wants to know what it’s like behind the scenes of each dance, wants to tell his own story with his body.

“Auntie,” Soonyoung says, softly, because Chan has fallen asleep and Soonyoung likes how peaceful his dongsaeng looks.

“Yes, Soonyoung-ah?” Jinhee asks.

“I was wondering,” he begins, and then pauses, trying to sort out his thoughts into something coherent. “Why do you dance?”

“That’s a good question.” Jinhee thinks for a moment. “As a kid, I wasn’t very good at showing my emotions. I was shy and I didn’t know how to tell people how I felt, so if they were being mean or if I was sad, I would just suck it up and keep a neutral face. But then my mom put me in a dance class, and suddenly I could display all my emotions without having to show it on my face. Anger, joy, sadness, everything I felt was reflected in the way I danced. Dancing let me be free, I think.”

That’s not quite why Soonyoung was so interested in the performance, but Jinhee’s reason makes him think some more. She sees dance as an escape; he sees dance as a form of storytelling. Either way, it just proves that dancing is universal, that dancing is open for everyone and anyone.

“Can I come watch your next lesson?” Soonyoung asks. “Please?”

Jinhee smiles. “Of course.”

For the next couple of weeks, Soonyoung accompanies Jinhee and Chan to the studio to sit in and watch the students and teachers perform. He learns there are different styles of dance, all of them unique and beautiful in their own right. He also learns both Jinhee and Sungwon are talented dancers and finds himself transfixed most by watching them.

On the third week, he decides to ask Jinhee and Sungwon if he can take classes at their studio. He gets the perfect opportunity to do so when Sungwon invites the Kwons over for dinner on Friday night. Soonyoung pops the question during dessert, to which Jinhee and Sungwon just smile and say, “Of course, Soonyoung-ah.”

The meal concludes and he and Chan go upstairs to Chan’s room so he can look at the younger’s new dinosaur collection toy. Chan grabs the triceratops while Soonyoung chopses the tyrannosaurus rex and roars, pretending to eat Chan’s hand.

“Hyung!” Chan cries.

“I’m not your hyung,” Soonyoung playfully bellows. “I’m a t-rex who’s gonna eat you!”

Chan laughs some more and Soonyoung chases him around the bedroom, growling and giggling all the way. Chan hops on the bed in an attempt to escape.

“Try and get me now, hyung!” taunts Chan, sticking out his tongue and bouncing up and down.

Soonyoung smirks in response and somewhat gently tackles his donsaeng onto the bed while Chan squirms and wiggles as he tries to get out from Soonyoung’s grasp. “C-can’t breathe, h-hyung!”

But Soonyoung is bigger and stronger than Chan can ever hope to be, and he always wins. He begins to tickle Chan’s sides, blowing raspberries into his stomach. _Soft…_

He really likes the sound of Chan’s laughter, he thinks. It’s high pitched and a bit nasally, but it has a certain lightness to it that reminds him of a sunflower field. He also likes the way Chan can never hold back his giggles and guffaws no how much he tries or how much Jinhee and Sungwon scold him. And then there’s the way Chan’s face almost shines when he’s laughing, the way his lips stretch into a wide smile as his face flushes a soft pink.

Soonyoung thinks he could listen to Chan’s laugh for the rest of his life.

Chan’s giggles start to die off when the need for oxygen becomes too prominent too ignore. Soonyoung relents, making the mistake of letting his dongsaeng breathe for a moment.

The few seconds he isn’t tickling Chan makes Soonyoung realize the proximity of their bodies and how _warm_ Chan is. It makes him feel tingly inside, makes his heart beat faster and his throat dry. Soonyoung doesn’t know or even want to know how to interpret what he’s feeling, so he hops right off Chan’s bed and says he’s going to get a glass of water.

Their parents are sitting around the table in the kitchen, sipping grape juice ( _wine, Soonyoung learns when he’s older)_ and chatting. Jaewook is gesticulating something with his hands, likely telling some sort of wild story from his days growing up on a farm. The other adults watch with interest and laugh when he finishes.

Soonyoung waits for a lull in the conversation so he can ask someone to reach the cups stored in the cabinet above the coffee maker, but refrains when he hears his mother say his name.

“Soonyoung finally decided to join your dance studio, huh?” Yerin comments. “Thank God. I was beginning to think he would only want to do taekwondo for the rest of his life.”

“Are you sure you’ll give him lessons for free?” asks Jaewook. “Let us at least pay half price. We insist.”

Jinhee smiles and shakes her head. “You don’t have to, oppa, it’s our pleasure.”

“Plus,” Sungwon begins, “we’ve been meaning for Chan to join our studio too, but every time we asked him, he would just say he didn’t want to yet. And then tonight happened.”

“Channie asked to take lessons right after dinner,” Jinhee finishes. “I knew he was just waiting for Soonyoung to do it first.”

Sungwon sips her wine and grins. “Of course. Chan hinges onto everything Soonyoung does like he’s the Messiah.”

Jinhee lightly smacks her husband’s arm. “Don’t say it like that! You make it sound as though Chan is some minion following his master’s orders.”

 _I mean, he kind of is,_ Soonyoung thinks. He normally doesn’t eavesdrop into adult conversations because his parents told him it’s rude to do so, but this one seems particularly necessary to overhear. He’s been wondering if other people notice the weird dynamic going on between him and Chan.

“There’s no denying your son’s loyalty to ours,” Jaewook states. “But I think Soonyoungie is just as devoted to Channie as Channie is to him.”

Soonyoung wants to stomp into the kitchen and retort that _no, he is not devoted to Lee Chan in any way._ Chan is the one who trails after his hyung like a lost puppy, and Soonyoung would feel guilty to just leave him behind like that.

( _“Not devoted?” Mingyu says, the shock evident on his face. “Hyung, when I first met you two, you were crying because Chan fell down and scraped his knee and you said you were a bad hyung who didn’t know how to take care of his dongsaeng.”_

_“You know, you don’t have to keep on repeating that story.”)_

Yerin nods and agrees, “Definitely. Soonyoung likes to grumble that Chan is annoying, but he also always insists that Chan come along with him to do most everything.”

 _I just don’t like to be alone!_ Soonyoung defends himself in his head.

“He stares at Channie a lot too, have you noticed?” Jaewook adds. “It’s like he’s making his own mental movie of every single one of Chan’s laughs and smiles.”

Soonyoung blushes at that. Try as he might, he knows deep down he cannot deny his affection for Chan. Despite his annoyance, he adores Chan with every fiber of his being with so much vigor that it terrifies him. Adoration and affection are not even sufficient enough to describe what he feels for Chan. He can’t even begin to explain it; all he knows is the emotion is warm, intense and runs through every vein and artery in his body, but it doesn’t hurt, not at all. He almost likes it.

But he’s still a stubborn seven year old boy who would rather lie to himself than admit he feels something deeper than friendship for his neighbor, so he shifts the embarrassment and moment of realization to denial and irritation. Stupid Chan, always following him around and making the adults think Soonyoung actually likes it.

He decides to stop dwelling on it and turns around to walk back up the stairs, only to bump into the object of his ire. _Of course Channie followed me._

“I wanted water too,” Chan answers Soonyoung’s silent question.

Soonyoung shoves past him with a glare. “I don’t care.”

Later, Chan asks him if they can have a sleepover, and Soonyoung once again cannot say no. Currently, they’re lying in Chan’s bed, underneath his dinosaur sheets the same way they do at every sleepover, and, regardless of what Jeonghan, Mingyu, Jihoon, and even Hansol say, there is an adequate amount of space between them, so no, they are not cuddling.

_(“Bullshit,” Jihoon states. “You’d practically be back to chest or face to face every time we slept over.”_

_“Plus,” Mingyu adds, “Chan’s room had enough space for all of us to sleep on the floor. You just slept in his bed because you wanted to.”_

_“‘I get cold very easily!’“ Hansol recalls Soonyoung’s old excuse. “You’d always try to justify it.”_ )

It’s late, but not even the sound of Chan’s soft breaths and snores can lull Soonyoung to sleep. He can’t stop thinking about what he heard their parents say earlier today.

 _I wonder how far the little brat would follow me,_ he muses.

Soonyoung peers over Chan and suddenly, it’s like the air has escaped his lungs. He’s never really paid attention to how Chan looks when he sleeps, mostly because Soonyoung has a tendency to fall into slumber first and wake up last. Now, with nobody else in the room and his mind swirling with thoughts about his bedmate, Soonyoung can’t help but be enticed by what he sees.

Chan looks calm when he sleeps, any tension in his face or shoulders completely at ease. His plump right cheek is squished against his pillow, lips parted slightly with every even breath he takes. Moonlight peeks through the curtains, decorating Chan in a way that’s too pure to be real.

 _He’s beautiful_ , Soonyoung thinks as he takes in everything.

_He remembers one night, he and his father had come home late from a taekwondo thing. Yerin was asleep on the couch and though her hair was in a messy bun, clothed in sweats, and no makeup on, Jaewook couldn’t take his eyes off her._

_Soonyoung went to change out of his dobok and when he came back to the living room, Jaewook was still standing there, smiling and staring at his wife. He watched as his father crouched down and planted a soft kiss on his mother’s lips, gentle enough to not wake her._

_“Why did you do that, Daddy?” Soonyoung had asked._

_Jaewook grinned. “Because beautiful things deserve to be admired and praised.”_

Soonyoung didn’t understand what his father had said then, and he thinks maybe he might know now. Looking at Chan like this, lovely and dainty and more, makes Soonyoung want to shout praise to the skies.

Trying very carefully to not move the bed too much, he slides down steadily, until his face is right in front of Chan’s. This close, he can feel Chan’s warm breath against his own, and if he focuses hard enough, he might be able to hear his heartbeat.

Slowly, he leans in until he feels Chan’s lip against his. He pulls back almost immediately, barely staying long enough to feel the soft plumpness, and just as quickly, Chan starts to stir.

Soonyoung hops out of the bed, thinking that if Chan sees him so far away, he won’t think his hyung has just kissed him in the middle of the night simply because he thought he looked too beautiful not to.

It seemingly works, as Chan opens his eyes and mumbles, “What are you doing, hyung?”

Soonyoung releases the breath he didn’t know he was holding. If Chan suspected something, he didn’t acknowledge it and that was enough for him. “I’m leaving.”

“But hyung,” Chan objects, sitting up, “it’s late.”

“I know, Channie. I just wanted to look at the stars is all.” Soonyoung actually just wants some fresh air and as much distance from Chan as possible, but he needs an excuse and that’s what his mind comes up with on the spot. He does, however, think outer space is intriguing and has told Chan this before, so the lie isn’t random enough for Chan to doubt anything.

“Can I follow you?” Chan asks and Soonyoung says yes before he can stop himself.

They tiptoe down the stairs, careful not to wake Jinhee and Sungwon. Soonyoung waits until he hears Sungwon’s loud snore before he opens the door, shutting it softly behind them.

The night air is cool, bordering on cold, but not uncomfortably so. There’s a slight breeze that serves to calm the furious blush on Soonyoung’s cheeks. The cul-de-sac is quiet, with the only source of light being the streetlamps and porch lights, but even then, the night is dim.

Soonyoung stares up at the sky because he has to make his excuse somewhat believable, using audio cues to locate where Chan is (behind him, as always). He wonders if the younger really would follow him to the ends of the earth, and decides to test his theory. He begins to leave the safety of the Lees front lawn, walking as briskly as he can, and already, he hears Chan’s footsteps trailing after him.

“Hyung! Where are you going?” Chan asks, slightly out of breath. “It’s dangerous for us to be alone outside this late at night.”

“Relax, Chan,” Soonyoung replies. “I’m just going to the park. The view of the sky is much better over there.”

It’s another lie, Soonyoung knows. Chan doesn’t respond but continues to trail after his hyung loyally and blindly. The park is only a couple blocks away from their cul-de-sac and is even darker and quieter than their neighborhood was. Soonyoung decides not to go all the way to the playground because he isn’t _that_ reckless and instead opts to lie on the grassy field.

“Look,” he says, pointing up at the sky.

Chan glances at Soonyoung for a moment and hesitates, but Soonyoung-hyung has never done him wrong before, so he lies on the ground too and looks up.

The sky is much more visible here without all the streetlights to obscure their view. Chan can see upward of a hundred stars, all pretty and shining in their own unique way. It’s the kind of view Chan thought was only possible to see in photographs and he lay in silence, awestruck and amazed.

They lay there in silence, side by side and close enough to touch and share body heat. The ground is freezing and the wetness of the grass will stain both their pajamas, but currently both boys are too engrossed in the sky, the stars, and each other to pay attention.

“Hyung,” Chan whines, breaking the comfortable hush between them.

“Yes, Channie?”

“My neck hurts,” he replies. “The ground is hard. And cold.”

Soonyoung wholeheartedly agrees, but he doesn’t want this moment to be over so quickly. He shrugs. “[You can lay your head on my lap, then](https://youtu.be/fDzyGQyfge0).”

Soonyoung doesn’t miss the way Chan’s face seems to brighten up the moment the words leave Soonyoung’s mouth, nor does he miss the toothy grin and pink flush. Chan scoots down and rests his head on Soonyoung’s right thigh, sending warmth throughout both their bodies.

They point out some more constellations and trace shapes into the sky with their fingers before once again falling into a tranquil silence, taking the time to simply enjoy the view and each other’s company. It dawns on Soonyoung that they really need to go back soon, but when he glances down Chan has fallen fast asleep and Soonyoung would much rather spend the rest of his night here, memorizing each tiny bit of Chan that he can.

He sits up, careful to make sure he doesn’t disturb Chan. Only in the dead of night, alone, does Soonyoung allow himself to acknowledge whatever it is he feels for the boy asleep in his lap. He tries to mask it often, obviously not as well as he thought, but he does feel some kind of emotion for the younger. He knows it runs deeper than that of a hyung for his dongsaeng, knows his desire to protect Chan stems from a different area in his heart than his desire to protect any of his other dongsaengs, be it Mingyu or Hansol or anyone else. He tells himself it’s because Chan is the youngest of them all, their baby, but Soonyoung knows it’s more because Chan is _his_ baby.

And maybe he’s only seven years old and has only known Chan for three of those years, but he feels _something_ he can’t put into words. He knows if he were to ask an adult, he’d be brushed off with a soft smile. He can’t go to any of his friends for help, either, because 1) Jeonghan can’t take anything seriously, 2) Jihoon’s only form of feeling is through music, 3) Mingyu has the emotional capacity of a teaspoon, 4) Hansol doesn’t know Korean well enough, and 5) those are the only friends he has.

He looks back up at the sky, infinite and abundant with wonder and mystery, and thinks maybe he doesn’t need to understand what he feels just yet. He has a lifetime before him and he knows Chan will do his best to follow him every step of the way, even if Soonyoung doesn’t let him catch up.

It’s easier that way.

He strokes Chan’s hair softly, contemplating, before shoving his thoughts into a locked box and throwing away the key. He doesn’t need to worry about that sort of thing, not yet.

The sky erupts in shades of orange, red, and yellow, drenching both boys in soft, warm yellow light. Soonyoung gasps, wondering how the time passed so fast.

( _“You two were out there until dawn?” Minghao questions, mouth slightly agape. “How did you not get kidnapped or murdered?”_ )

“Shoot, Channie, we should probably get going. Your parents are gonna wake up soon.” Soonyoung takes a peek at the boy sleeping in his lap and is rendered speechless. He thought Chan looked beautiful in the moonlight of his bedroom, but that is nothing compared to how Chan looks now.

The sunrise has illuminated Chan in golden light, making his skin glow a beautiful bronze. The light sun hits his cheekbones in just the right way, accentuating his cheeks despite their chubbiness and giving a smoother angle to his jawline. Overall, he’s glowing, shining, sparkling, so bright that it hurts Soonyoung’s eyes, but he can’t bring himself to look away.

Soonyoung shakes Chan lightly, partially because he wants to leave before he goes blind from the beauty before him, and partially because he wants to see just how much more radiant Chan looks when he’s awake.

“Hyung,” Chan murmurs and stirs lightly. “Where’re we?”

Soonyoung doesn’t respond immediately; Chan truly is a vision like this, with the light adding more depth and dimension to his face, making his lips look pumper and his eyes shine bright. He commits each detail to memory as best he can, before swallowing and answering, “We’re at the park, Channie. We need to go. Now.”

“Okay, hyung.” Chan sits up and rubs his eyes, allowing Soonyoung a couple moments to snap out of his mild trance. “What time is it?”

No longer too mesmerized by Chan, the need to get home before Chan’s parents wake and they get in trouble hits him like a monsoon, adrenaline running through his veins. “Doesn’t matter. Let’s go!”

He starts racing to the Lee household. He knows Chan’s parents are early risers, since they teach morning classes almost every day, and that they always check on their son first thing in the morning. He can’t even fathom what kind of trouble he would be in if they were caught. Soonyoung can imagine his parents yelling at him about how _dangerous that was, Kwon Soonyoung! You’re supposed to be a good hyung and guide Chan to be a good boy, not do something reckless like this!_

Soonyoung doesn’t stop running until he’s reached the gate at the end of the field. He looks behind him. Chan is running as fast as his tiny legs can take him, but his body isn’t used to such coordination, and he trips and falls on an uneven part of the grass.

Soonyoung doesn’t even need to hear it to know Chan is crying out a pained, “Soonyoung-hyung! Help me, please!” in that soft, gentle voice of his. He runs to his dongsaeng. If Chan returns home with a broken arm or anything of the sort, Soonyoung won’t be able to leave his room until he’s at least 20.

“Are you okay?” Soonyoung asks, crouching down next to Chan. He brushes some grass and dirt off his pajamas.

Chan nods and wipes the tears from his eyes. “I’m fine, hyung. Just hurts a little.”

Soonyoung rolls his eyes and begins to walk away. He’s nearly reached the gate again when he realizes Chan isn’t following behind him. Chan is going the same direction he is, just slower. It’s going to take forever, at this rate, and Soonyoung debates if he should just leave.

He waits. Maybe this time, he should let Chan catch up. Just this once.

When Chan finally does, Soonyoung doesn’t say a word as he grabs his hand and begins to sprint, dragging Chan with him. He thinks he hears Chan cry out a confused “Hyung?!”, but ignores it in favor of getting to the Lee home as fast as they can (and savoring the feel of Chan’s hand in his own).

The park is still only two blocks away from their cul-de-sac, so in hindsight, Soonyoung’s panic may not have been necessary, but regardless, they make it back in no more than five minutes. Soonyoung lets go of Chan’s hand for a brief moment to grab the key he knows the Lees hide in the potted plant next to their front door and unlocks it, pulling Chan up the stairs with quick, yet gentle steps.

A glance at the grandfather clock in their hallway tells him it’s a little bit before 7 a.m., and something in his gut tells him the Lees will be waking up very soon. He and Chan tiptoe to the room at the end of the hall. Soonyoung wastes no time and shoves himself and Chan onto the bed, pulling up the covers to hide their grass-stained clothes.

“Pretend to sleep,” he whispers to Chan, who immediately does so. The furrow in their brows and tension in their shoulders is an easy giveaway neither boys are actually asleep, but Soonyoung hopes Jinhee and Sungwon don’t pay enough attention to notice.

The clock tick tocks and after some time, he hears the sound of an alarm in the distance. Soonyoung waits until he’s absolutely certain Jinhee and Sungwon have woken up before he ever tries to move, so he and Chan lay there, completely still in silence.

“Hyung,” Chan whispers at the exact moment Soonyoung hears footsteps come down the halls. He hushes Chan by clamping a hand over his mouth just as the door opens. Soonyoung sucks in a breath.

“Chan-ah? Soonyoung-ah?” Sungwon’s voice calls. “Are you two awake yet?”

Soonyoung shuts his eyes tighter as if it will somehow make it seem like he’s more asleep, even though his back is to Sungwon. He feels Chan’s arm twitch slightly, but both boys do not respond.

“Guess not,” Sungwon mutters to himself. The door shuts and Soonyoung waits until he hears footsteps go down the stairs before he speaks.

“That was close, Channie,” Soonyoung breathes. “But we made it.”

Chan doesn’t answer. Soonyoung peers over and sees his dongsaeng fast asleep, one arm clutching his stuffed dinosaur toy (the one that was once Soonyoung’s own) close to his chest.

He moves to make some room for himself and catch up on the hours of sleep missed due to stargazing, only to realize that in the midst of their scuffle to get to bed before Chan’s parents woke up, he’d somehow ended up with his left arm tucked under Chan’s head and his chest to Chan’s own.

They’re cuddling, Soonyoung discerns.

On any other instance, Soonyoung (tells himself he) would have shoved Chan off harshly with no explanation, hogged all the blankets to himself, and slept. He wouldn’t have cared about Chan at _all_ , but then of course Chan just had to look so nice and pretty under the stars (and in the sunlight) and feel so warm against Soonyoung and fit so perfectly with his head in the crook under Soonyoung’s chin. He can’t just push Chan away _now,_ not when he’s been almost angelic for the entire night.

Soonyoung decides to not fight against himself and his feelings, just this once, so he pulls Chan closer to his chest, and sleeps.

(Soonyoung manages to wake Chan right before breakfast. They change into another pair of pajamas, though Chan’s baggiest pair of bottoms is still relatively tight on Soonyoung’s seven-year-old frame. Soonyoung shoves the grass stained pajamas in a random corner of Chan’s closet and prays for the best.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i meant to publish this earlier, but the plan i originally had for this chapter ended up being completely different from what i wrote, and a lot longer too.  
> thank you for all the kudos and comments!!! <3 it's what keeps me motivated to write
> 
> preview: the next chapter will be titled "after everything i must confess i need you"


	3. after everything i must confess i need you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> inspired by "the other side of the door" by taylor swift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took a month to update lmao. once again this chapter took a different course than what i planned and ended up being really long (almost 12,000 words!!!). initially i wanted to document each of the days chan and soonyoung were fighting + build up to the reconciliation, but i thought it would just get repetitive and i wanted to characterize them differently.

Soonyoung is 12 and Chan is nine when they get into their first real fight. They’ve had their arguments before, including the infamous one which caused a five-year-old Soonyoung to punch Jeonghan in the face, but those fights were always about stupid, minuscule things, and were usually resolved within the next hour (or after Soonyoung invited Chan to come over to play video games). This time around, however, Soonyoung knows it will take more than an offer to play Super Smash Brothers to placate Chan.

It starts during dance practice. He and Chan are the two youngest members in their group, with all the others being 14 or 15 years old, a margin not very big by normal standards, but when you’re 12, the two year gap is everything. Both of the boys had skipped several levels in dance after Jaewook insisted the two were far too talented to be in lower level classes. Soonyoung was initially ecstatic, until he learned moving up meant endless teasing from the older people in his class.

They’re never too brutal, mostly because they are somewhat mature enough to realize bullying is wrong, but they aren’t particularly kind either. The harassment mostly consists of assessing Soonyoung and Chan’s dances a bit more critically than necessary, shunning them from group hangouts, or locking them out of the locker room “unintentionally” once.

Their head instructor, Minhyuk, is a talented dancer and an awful teacher. Soonyoung speculates he justifies his incapability to guide the class is because it’s an advanced class, so most of the choreography is done by the students, but even then, a so-called “instructor” should really do more than chat on the phone with his girlfriend. Soonyoung would tell Jinhee and Sungwon about this situation, but he doesn’t want to be a snitch and get his name permanently etched in his fellow dancers’ bad books.

Chan, stupid, naive, hasn’t-reached-double-digits-yet Chan, is blissfully unaware of his hyungs’ ire. To Chan, dance class is simply a fun place where he can expend his plentiful energy and spend time with his favorite person in the world. He doesn’t notice a majority of his elders tend to ignore his entire existence, or, if he does, he doesn’t seem to mind.

In retrospect, perhaps Soonyoung should be a better hyung. He should protect Chan, should make an effort to make sure Chan is included, even if Soonyoung himself isn’t. But currently, Soonyoung doesn’t see that. All he can see and feel is red hot anger because of Chan, that stupid effing baby.

Dance practice goes as per usual. Minhyuk greets his class, tells them to continue what they were doing the day before, and then dials his girlfriend’s number. Hyunjin, the oldest and thus their semi-official leader, shows them a new move he wants to add to the chorus of the song to increase the intensity. The move is admittedly fairly complex and requires some sort of concentration and balance, so most of the dancers struggle with getting it in time with the beat Hyunjin wants.

Sanghyuk in particular seems to stumble the most. As practice goes on, Soonyoung becomes increasingly afraid Sanghyuk will have no teeth once the 60 minutes concluded, with the way he’s grinding them in frustration. Though Hyunjin offers to help, Sanghyuk simply cannot get it down and cusses at him the moment Hyunjin leaves to go to the bathroom.

Chan, the annoying baby, of course can master the move in no more than 15 minutes, which only serves to makes Sanghyuk more upset. Soonyoung can hear the older mutter about “annoying fucking kids who think they’re the shit”, and can’t help but think Chan isn’t the only dongsaeng Sanghyuk resents, given how easily Soonyoung himself also learned the move.

Soonyoung is staring at Sanghyuk struggle while Chan babbles in his ear about something Soonyoung really doesn’t care about. He thinks Sanghyuk might notice him staring and he doesn’t want to appear condescending and disrespectful, especially toward someone older than him, so he turns his head to respond to Chan, only to see the younger has left his side and walked over to Sanghyuk.

“Hyung,” Chan begins, flashing Sanghyuk his signature smile.

“What, Chan?” Sanghyuk replies with disinterest as he looks at himself in the mirror, trying his absolute best to replicate Hyunjin’s dance in time with the music in the background.

Soonyoung winces and prays Chan would take the hint to leave the older alone, but Chan never does what Soonyoung thinks is the right thing to do, so he continues, “Do you want some help? I know it looks really confusing because it’s so fast, but it’s actually really easy if you just—”

Sanghyuk flushes a scarlet red, a mixture of embarrassment and anger. “Shut the fuck up. You’re nine! Who are you to tell me what to do? I’m seven years your senior!”

Chan bites his lower lip. “I was just trying to help, hyung, I’m sorry.”

“Whatever,” Sanghyuk replies with a shrug. “Everyone here knows you’re only in the class because your daddy and mommy own the studio.”

Someone, probably Hanbin, laughs in the background and shouts his agreement, causing a chorus of haughty guffaws to erupt. Chan hears this and swallows, his eyes turning shiny with unshed tears.

Soonyoung feels hot rage race through his veins. He doesn’t consider himself to be particularly violent or temperamental, but at this very moment, his fury makes him want to do unspeakably savage things to his hyungs. He wants to sew their mouths shut, to punch them all in the face, to scream at them to be quiet because they don’t know what they’re talking about.

He knows, deep down, Chan is actually very talented, and would have been placed in an advanced dance class even if his parents didn’t own the studio. He knows Chan is deserving of being in the front line of all their performances. Chan’s natural ability is equivalent to the talent of someone who has practiced dancing for years, despite his young age. He’s certain the other dancers see this too and are only mean because they’re jealous. He knows because he feels the same way, and Chan is only three years younger. He can’t imagine how deep of a blow it is to the pride of someone five or more years older.

Soonyoung wants to tell Chan this. He wants to be a good hyung and reassure his dongsaeng, wants to tell Chan he’s gifted like no other, wants to wipe Chan’s tears and whisk him away to a place where nothing can hurt him. He wants to do all that and more, but doesn’t.

Instead, he joins in on their laughter.

( _"That’s such a dick thing to do,” Wonwoo states. The last to join their friend group, Wonwoo is, as Jihoon puts it, blissfully unaware of the trials and tribulations of the romance of Kwon Soonyoung and Lee Chan. “What the hell was your problem?”_

_Chan smiles and glances at the sparkling diamond on his left ring finger. “He was just a 12 year old boy in deep denial.”)_

Chan tries his best to hold his tears back until he sees Soonyoung, his hyung, his neighbor, his hero, his world, laughing in his face. The look in his eyes screams betrayal and hurt and stabs a dagger right through Soonyoung’s heart. Chan lets the tears fall freely this time, and the knife twists and turns inside Soonyoung.

“God, you’re crying now?” someone else, maybe Seungho, asks mockingly. “I knew you weren’t cut out for this class at all. Your dancing skills can’t compensate for your immaturity.”

The irony of his words isn’t lost on Soonyoung and he opens his mouth to say something, but cannot. He doesn’t want to receive the same kind of harassment. Plus, the hyungs are starting to compliment him more, even once asking him to accompany them to the arcade after practice. He can’t give all that away just for Lee Chan.

( _Later, as Soonyoung runs his hand through Chan’s sweat-dampened hair, their bare bodies pressed together and Chan’s soft breaths against his chest, Soonyoung can’t help but think he’d willingly give all his worldly possessions for the now-Kwon Chan.)_

Chan stares back at Soonyoung once more, pleading with his eyes. He’s silently screaming, “Defend me! Protect me like you’re supposed to!”, but all Soonyoung does is look away. His own laughs have died down while everyone else is still obnoxiously cackling, but Soonyoung knows he’s being just as awful, just as hurtful, as the others, maybe more so. Guilt and disgust swell up in his gut, but he does nothing about it. He’d rather be a part of the crowd than stick up for someone who very well could be the most important person in his life, and he’ll be disappointed at his cowardice eventually, but for now, he plays it safe.

Minhyuk notices nobody in the room is actually practicing and hangs up the phone. He takes a moment to assess the situation, only then noticing Chan’s tears, and Soonyoung would seethe at his “teacher’s” incompetence if he wasn’t desperately attempting to avoid any more conflict.

“What the hell’s going on here?” Minhyuk bellows. “Chan-ah?”

Soonyoung fights the urge to snap at Minhyuk he has no right to refer to Chan so affectionately, given how up until five seconds ago Minhyuk couldn’t give a damn about anyone who wasn’t his girlfriend. However, Soonyoung refrains because Minhyuk is doing more for Chan than someone who is supposed to be his protector (read: Kwon Soonyoung) is, so it’s not his place to judge.

“Nothing, hyung,” Sanghyuk answers before Chan can. “Right, Soonyoung?”

Soonyoung stiffens at the acknowledgement. Though he’s definitely gotten to know some of his dance class hyungs better, Sanghyuk is not among those, and this is an opportunity to build up his reputation. It’s also an opportunity to do Chan some justice, but he ignores it for now. “Yeah. Chan’s just acting up is all.”

Chan’s expression doesn’t change at all and he doesn’t even look mildly surprised. His tears have stopped flowing. He almost looks resigned and tired, instead of sad and heartbroken, as if he’s used to this.

Soonyoung swallows. He tries not to express the self-reproach deep in his heart and blocks out the voice in his head screaming at him about how he’s a terrible hyung, so terrible Chan doesn’t even expect Soonyoung to defend him anymore. He can’t help but think about how many times he’s disappointed Chan for it to come to this.

Minhyuk believes Sanghyuk and Soonyoung, in spite of all the evidence screaming _no, that it not what happened at all_ , and tells Chan to stop playing around and get back to work. Chan wipes his eyes with his sleeve. He mutters an apology and excuses himself to the bathroom. Soonyoung will later note this was yet another opportunity to make right with Chan and follow after him, but his pre-puberty, in denial 12-year-old mind has too much pride and not enough smarts to do it, so he goes back to dancing with his hyungs like nothing’s happened.

As the next hour rolls on, a sinking feeling builds up in Soonyoung’s gut. He wasn’t the one teasing Chan, so he shouldn’t feel so upset with himself, but at the same time, he knows what he did was just as wrong. He was a bystander and let them hurt the person he’s supposed to defend the most.

Chan doesn’t return until class is over and refuses to change in the locker room with the others. He comes in to grab his stuff and then undress somewhere else when Sanghyuk’s voice stops him.

“Soonyoung-ah,” Sanghyuk calls.

“Yes, Sanghyuk-hyung?”

“Some of us were thinking about going to the arcade right now,” Sanghyuk responds. “I was wondering if you wanted to come too.”

“Me?” Soonyoung asks, the astonishment evident in his voice.

Sanghyuk laughs, but it sounds just a little bit too forced and patronizing to be genuine. “Yeah, you. Why are you so shocked?”

“Because up until today, you only spoke to me when you wanted to tell me what I was doing wrong,” Soonyoung mutters under his breath, but thankfully, Sanghyuk doesn’t hear. He smiles. “I’d love to go!”

“But hyung,” Chan calls out from behind them, Soonyoung having forgotten he was there. “Tonight is Dinosaur Night.”

Dinosaur Night is something Soonyoung and Chan came up with after their little escapade some years ago. Soonyoung started it because he loved stars and dinosaurs (and Chan, though he didn’t know it yet) and Chan did too, because Chan always follows Soonyoung no matter what he does.

At first, it was an excuse to stargaze at night (and stare at Chan’s face as dawn broke, memorizing the way the shades of red and gold and orange would play on his face) without fear of being yelled at (and judged). It wasn’t much, just Chan and Soonyoung sitting in the backyard on the patio, sitting close together for warmth under a mound of blankets (cuddling) as one of their parents set up an old projector to play a dinosaur film, but it was their thing, their own sacred moment. None of their other friends were invited or even knew about it, in part because Soonyoung didn’t want to admit his favorite nights were the ones spent with a nine-year-old.

( _“Sometimes it felt like we were the side characters in the Soonyoung-Chan Story,” Mingyu groans. “Like, Soonyoung-hyung would forget he had two other dongsaengs to worry about.”_

_Jihoon nods. “Soonyoung would always tell everyone we were best friends when he introduced me, but when he introduced Chan, he always said Chan was his most ‘specialest’ friend. Somehow, that felt insulting.”_

_Hansol ignores Soonyoung’s sputters of defense and adds, “There was this one time we all wanted to go get pizza, but Chan and Soonyoung-hyung said they couldn’t go. It made us suspicious, so Jeonghan-hyung said we should follow them.”_

_“We saw them go into Soonyoung’s house and we just thought they were going somewhere with their parents, since their families are close,” Jeonghan continues. “But then they didn’t leave, and so Mingyu thought it was a good idea to sneak into their backyard and see what was happening.”_

_“I was the tallest, so naturally I was the one who tried to see over the fence,” Mingyu says with a laugh. “So we’re in Jihoon-hyung’s backyard, Jihoon-hyung and Jeonghan-hyung are on all fours and I’m standing on their backs trying to come over.”_

_Jihoon chuckles. “But even then, Mingyu was a big kid who didn’t know how to use his limbs correctly. He ends up accidentally knocking down like three planks of wood of the fence.”_

_“We thought we were fucked,” Mingyu resumes. “But of course, Chan and Soonyoung-hyung were, as always, stuck in their own little world. Chan’s just laying his head on Soonyoung-hyung’s lap and talking, as if there wasn’t just a loud crashing sound no less than ten feet away.”_

_Soonyoung’s cry of “So you were the fuckers who broke my fence!” goes unnoticed by Joshua, who grins and states, “And they’re still that way today.”_

_“It’s like Chan and Soonyoung are the couple who just started dating, so they spend all their time together because they think they can’t survive if they’re apart for more than five seconds, except they’ve been like that for 20 years,” Jun jokes.)_

“Dinosaur Night?” repeats Hanbin. “What the hell’s that?”

Sanghyuk smirks. “It sounds like some baby shit.”

Soonyoung already spends an unhealthy amount of time with someone who still believes in Santa and can’t bear the idea of being seen as even more of a child, so he rolls his eyes at Chan and says, “Yeah, it is. Fuck off, Chan, the big kids are talking.”

Soonyoung and the two other older members of their cul-de-sac friend group have an unsaid pact to not curse at or around the three younger ones, especially Chan, who is supposed to be their baby. Currently, he doesn’t give a crap about that rule and really just wants Chan to go away (and spare him from any more guilt).

Chan does exactly so, and as Soonyoung watches his retreating figure, something stronger than guilt ( _remorse, shame, regret_ ) yanks at his heart.

He can’t get Chan off his mind even when they arrive to the arcade. There’s no denying he has fun there, especially because he doesn’t have to rely on his mother to give him change for tokens, and his hyungs treat him like he’s one of them. Despite all that, he can’t get the image of Chan, teary eyed and heartbroken and looking up at Soonyoung, off his brain. It seriously messes with his mojo.

Soonyoung decides to resolve the issue by meeting up with Chan later in the night. He’ll come to his house, offer to watch a movie, and they’ll sit together on the couch and everything will be alright. Chan admires Soonyoung far too much to hold a grudge, anyways.

He waves goodbye to Seungho’s father after he drops him off. He can tell they’re waiting for him to go inside, so he opens the door, puts his backpack down, waits thirty seconds, and leaves for Chan’s house. His parents don’t call after him, signalling they didn’t notice him return.

Typically, Soonyoung would march into the Lee house without warning. As Jeonghan’s mother once put it, the boys spend so much time together they’re essentially one big family and their cul-de-sac is one giant house, so there’s need for them to knock. Though, Soonyoung guesses Jeonghan’s mother never anticipated just how often the boys would take advantage of the unspoken rule and the awkward situations that would come from it.

( _“I’ll never forget when I saw Jihoon-hyung and Seokmin fucking on the couch,” Mingyu wails. “The image still haunts me at night.”_

_“There were five other goddamn houses you could have gone to,” reminds Jihoon, face impassive while Seokmin blushes and the others laugh. “And you chose mine. It’s your fault.”_

_“You couldn’t at least lock the door or go to your bedroom?!”_

_Jihoon shrugs. “Seokminnie just got back from his three month study abroad. Couldn’t wait. Plus, I remember telling you this and specifically warning you not to come over.”_

_“I just wanted to borrow some salt.”_ )

Chan’s backyard isn’t easy to get in, but he wants to avoid conversing with Jinhee or Sungwon in case Chan told either of them about what occurred earlier in the day. Soonyoung steps on a couple of the empty pots Jinhee keeps by their garage and hooks his right arm over the fence gate, searching with his fingers for the latch to allow him access. He finds it and lets himself into the Lees’ backyard.

As predicted, Chan is sitting on his patio couch by himself, staring at the dinosaur documentary being played on the opposite wall. He hasn’t noticed Soonyoung’s presence yet, instead too engrossed in the film. To any other person not named Kwon Soonyoung, Chan would look perfectly at ease, but Soonyoung can see the tension in his shoulders and how stiff his neck looks, a surefire indication Chan is nowhere near comfortable.

“Chan-ah,” Soonyoung calls, hesitant, to test the waters.

Chan turns to him, blinks once, and turns away. His expression doesn’t change one bit, the picture of indifference mixed with thinly-veiled anger mixed with disappointment. Soonyoung notes it’s a bad look on such a chubby, naturally happy face.

“Chan-ah,” he repeats. “Come on. Don’t ignore me.”

It’s funny, Soonyoung muses, how Chan will follow everything Soonyoung does to an exact science, but once Soonyoung actually tells Chan to do something, Chan does the exact opposite. He doesn’t know if Chan’s that much of an idiot or if he does it purposely to rile Soonyoung up, but either way, it gets his blood to simmer.

He has half a mind to shake some sense into Chan physically, but decides against it. He doesn’t need Chan more upset, especially since it’s almost bedtime and Soonyoung wants to get this over with and sleep. He resolves to just settle everything as soon as possible, Chan’s feelings be damned.

“Don’t be like this, Lee Chan,” Soonyoung warns. “It’s disrespectful.”

Silence.

Soonyoung hates being ignored, which is why he’s the loudest person in their friend group. He despises it more when it’s Lee Chan, the kid who thinks the stars are in Soonyoung-hyung’s eyes, the kid who once ate a mud pie simply because he saw Soonyoung-hyung do it, the kid who hangs on to every word Soonyoung-hyung speaks like it’s the word of the Bible, ignoring him. It’s almost pathetic.

“Come on!” Soonyoung groans. “Can you just let this slide Chan? It’s not a big deal!”

Chan blinks, and an older, more mature Soonyoung will laugh with his husband, an older, less petty Chan at the memory, joking about how Soonyoung was the one making the entire situation into an ordeal.

“It’s not my fault you were being such a baby,” Soonyoung murmurs.

Those words are what causes Chan to snap. He stands and glares up at Soonyoung. While the height difference has considerably lessened in the years they’ve known each other, Chan is still much shorter than Soonyoung is, but the anger in his eyes is enough to make Soonyoung feel unsettled, to say the least.

“Are you serious?” Chan asks incredulously. “They were bullying me!”

“They weren’t bullying you, Chan, just teasing you a bit.”

“Doesn’t matter.” Chan pauses and Soonyoung notes the way his eyes water. “They made me feel bad, hyung, really really bad.”

Somehow, the simplicity of Chan’s words convey far more about how hurt he was at dance practice than any sort of complex diction could. Soonyoung should be delicate and gentle right now, since Chan is close to tears, but Soonyoung just wants to be right, though he’s not quite sure what he wants to be right about. “It’s your fault for getting so sensitive. You didn’t have to cry over that.”

“I didn’t cry because of what they said,” Chan corrects. “I cried because of you.”

“Me? What the hell did I do?”

“Nothing.”

“Exactly, so why did you act like such a baby if it was nothing?”

Chan shakes his head. “No, hyung, I meant you did nothing. You just...you just watched and laughed.”

Soonyoung _wanted_ to do something and knows he should have, but the fear of being ostracized like Chan outweighed the need to protect him. He masks his guilt with anger and rolls his eyes. “Why are you blaming me for this? You got called out; simple as that.”

“Because you’re my hyung!” Chan screeches.

“You’re always ‘hyung this’ and ‘hyung that’! What does that mean anymore?”

Soonyoung wants to know what Chan’s definition of “hyung” is, because at this point, the meaning of the word has become synonymous with so much more than just big brother when it comes to their relationship. Chan has three other hyungs, Soonyoung has two other dongsaengs, and those hyung-dongsaeng relationships have nothing on whatever it is Chan and Soonyoung are.

Hansol and Chan spend a decent amount of time together as well, not quite as much as Soonyoung and Chan or even Jihoon and Soonyoung (it’s ironic, Soonyoung thinks, how Jihoon lives right next door to him and is the same age, but he still hangs out with Chan more), but Soonyoung also heavily doubts their nights end with them cuddling while Hansol falls asleep studying every detail of Chan’s face and committing it to memory.

Meanwhile, Soonyoung takes care of Hansol and Mingyu as best he can, but he’s all too aware the way he cares about them is different than the way he cares about Chan. Chan’s happiness always comes first, always, so even if Soonyoung desperately wants the samanco from the ice cream man, Chan is the one who gets the last one. Though Soonyoung would do the same for Hansol and Mingyu, it’s always after some intense inner debate, while with Chan, it’s done in a heartbeat.

He doesn’t know what their relationship is. It’s more than hyung-dongsaeng, more than just friends, more than any sort of ties he has with anyone else he knows. What he feels for Chan is so vastly different from any other person in his life and he just wants to know what that means.

“Your job is to take care of me and you just didn’t. I thought you would.”

The guilt crawls its way back up Soonyoung’s throat and he swallows it down. “Whatever. I didn’t sign up for this.”

“But you did! My mom told me so,” Chan responds. “She said when you gave me the dinosaur, it meant you were always gonna be there for me.”

“Well your mom’s a liar,” is all Soonyoung can reply. It wasn’t his intent when he first gave away his precious toy eight years ago, and years later he’ll realize that little moment is what sealed their fate together, but for now, he decides to shove it away. “It still doesn’t mean you should have cried about it, either. All the others were being kinda harsh, so why cry about me?”

Chan immediately withdraws. He curls in on himself, looking smaller and more fragile. He simply states, “They don’t make me feel the way you do.”

“I don’t understand,” Soonyoung says, but he _does._

“I like being with you, hyung,” Chan explains. “When you’re happy I’m happy. I like it when you smile the most, ‘cause it makes me feel tingly inside and I just wanna stare at you. But sometimes, it’s not tingly. Like when you sleep over and you get really close, I don’t feel tingly. I feel really warm, like super duper warm, but it’s not hot and it doesn’t hurt.”

Soonyoung doesn’t respond. Despite Chan saying it in layman’s terms, if the layman was an elementary school boy, he completely understands what Chan is trying to say, because he feels the same way. Chan’s smile makes his heart pulse uncomfortably fast, makes butterflies flutter in his stomach, makes him want to store the image in his heart forever. Being around Chan isn’t just a rollercoaster, however, mostly because they’ve known each other for so long Chan has become synonymous with home to Soonyoung. He understands Chan, understands him perfectly for the first time in the near-decade they’ve known each other.

“I still don’t get it.”

“I don’t either,” admits Chan. “But I don’t feel that way about any of my other hyungs. Only you. I like it like that.”

( _"Chan basically confessed he loved you at the age of nine, and it still took you two another 10 years to get together?” Joshua wonders aloud. “How is that even possible?”_

_“Just be happy you didn’t witness it in real time,” Jihoon deadpans and sips his wine. “It was so fucking frustrating to watch these two get married at age four and then finally say I love you a century later.”)_

“I didn’t ask you to feel that way, you know,” Soonyoung spits out. “So just forget about it, okay?”

“Why?”

“Because…” _Because I don’t know what it means, either. Because I’m afraid of what’s going to come out of this. Because you’re special to me, too, and I’m scared of pulling you too close and having you go away._ “...because I said so, Chan.”

Chan rolls his eyes and huffs, “That’s not an answer. Why?”

“Why do you wanna know so bad?”

“I don’t want to not feel warm when I’m around you. I like how I feel, hyung.”

Soonyoung swallows. He lies, “I don’t.”

“Why not? What’s your problem with this?”

“It’s you, Chan!” _You make me feel so warm inside and it terrifies me how much I rely on you for my happiness. I can’t control my feelings for you. Sometimes they consume me and all I can think about is your smile and your chubby cheeks and how much I just want to keep you with me forever._ “You act like such a baby all the time! You’re so...so annoying!”

“You’re supposed to guide me!”

“I didn’t sign up for that, Chan! God!” Soonyoung throws his hands up in frustration. “Why aren’t you this way around Jihoon or Mingyu or Hansol or Jeonghan-hyung, huh? You have other hyungs, so why me?”

Chan reaches up to pull Soonyoung’s arms down. He says, softly, “I told you. They don’t make me feel the way you do.”

Soonyoung shoves Chan off him, hard enough to make Chan fall back on the couch. “Whatever. Just leave me alone, okay? I don’t want to see your stupid face anymore.”

He ignores Chan’s pained look and stomps out of the backyard. When he arrives home, he slams the door shut, not even bothering to glance at his parents, who stare at him, worried. He doesn’t eat dinner and instead sits in his bed, seething and pouting.

“Stupid Lee Chan,” he mutters to himself. “Stupid big baby making me feel things. Annoying.”

The next day, Chan doesn’t come over before everyone else for their daily carpool. Soonyoung tells himself he doesn’t mind at all, since it just means he has more cereal for himself, even if the kitchen feels a bit quieter when there’s nobody to chat animatedly about dinosaurs with.

When Chan does arrive, it’s with Hansol, and the only indication Chan is feeling the aftermath of their fight last night is the bags under his eyes. He doesn’t look at Soonyoung, not once, and Soonyoung scoffs. _Two can play at this game._

Jihoon is the first to notice something’s amiss. Once Yerin drops them off at their middle school and they’ve parted ways with Jeonghan, Jihoon questions, rather bluntly, “Alright, what’s up?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Soonyoung dismisses as he inserts a dollar into the vending machine.

“Yes, you do,” retorts Jihoon, grabbing a chip from the bag. “Chan stares at you like you’re the freaking sun and has done that since he was one year old. Today, though, he didn’t even spare you a glance.”

“He’s just being a baby.”

“So you two fought?” Jihoon smirks. “What, are you gonna punch Jeonghan-hyung again?”

“It was one time!” Soonyoung cries. “And besides, it’s not my fault.”

“Yeah, sure.” Jihoon stops at his locker. “All I’m saying is you rely on Chan always being there for you too much sometimes. Be careful.”

Soonyoung rolls his eyes. “Whatever. He’ll get over it.”

Chan doesn’t get over it. He doesn’t talk to or look at Soonyoung the entire car ride home and skips out on dance practice, telling Minhyuk he had an upset stomach and would rather spend the time resting in his parents’ office. Sanghyuk, despite being an outright douchebag the night before, looks guilty and unnerved. He asks Soonyoung where Chan is and receives a shrug as an answer.

It continues like so for the next week. Chan pretends like Soonyoung doesn’t exists, but of course he’s acting normal with his other hyungs, laughing because _Hansollie-hyung, you’re so funny! Mingyu-hyung, you make really good food! Can you go with me to the park later, Jihoonie-hyung?_ and _Jeonghannie-hyung, do you want to go buy ice cream together?_

By Monday night, exactly one week after the incident, Soonyoung is boiling with annoyance. Who does Chan think he is to just ignore Soonyoung like that? Does he know how big Soonyoung is in his life? Chan wouldn’t have such an interest in the stars and dinosaurs if it wasn’t for Soonyoung. He wouldn’t have memorized his times tables so well if Soonyoung hadn’t helped him. Hell, he wouldn’t even know how to ride a bike if Soonyoung wasn’t there to hold his back as he pedaled for the first time. Lee Chan needs Kwon Soonyoung far more than Kwon Soonyoung needs him.

He only really becomes aware of just how _meh_ his life is when Chan is out of it is after dance practice. In spite of being on what he thought were good terms with the older dancers, Sanghyuk, Seungho, and Hanbin still “tease” (harass) him relentlessly. It’s not quite as cruel as it was before, but it still makes Soonyoung want to crawl in a ditch.

Tonight, Seungho must be having a bad day, becomes he storms into the locker room with a frown plastered on his face. When Hyunjin asks him wants wrong, Seungho snarls something about getting into a fight with his father and slams his locker shut, ending the conversation for the time being.

His sour mood continues for the rest of practice and Soonyoung turns into the unfortunate recipient of his anger. Hyunjin tells them to sit on the floor as they discuss what the next part of their choreography should be. Seungho suggests they spin in formation, but Hyunjin dismisses it, saying it was too simplistic. Seungho looks offended a the notion.

Immediately after, Soonyoung suggests they do a box step as they move their arms and hands. Hyunjin smiles and praises Soonyoung, making him feel proud for such recognition, only for Seungho to mockingly chortle and wonder aloud why they should listen to someone who hasn’t even hit five feet tall yet. Hyunjin is the only one who doesn’t snicker, which is nice, but it still leaves Soonyoung feeling like he doesn’t deserve to be there.

Normally, Soonyoung would laugh it off and pretend like it doesn’t hurt. Then, after practice, he would confide in Chan about how it made him feel. Sometimes he’s annoyed, but most of the time it made his insecurities shine through. Chan’s not old or experienced enough yet to give solid advice, but he offers words of encouragement and simply listens. When he knows Soonyoung has overshared and wants to reel himself back in, Chan shares his own self-doubt. Soonyoung doesn’t always respond, but it gets his mind off his hyungs’ harsh words and calms him down.

It’s weird, Soonyoung thinks, how his discomfort can be easily dissipated by Chan’s soft voice and breaths.

Now, however, he can do none of those things because of his little spat with Chan, who knows nearly every single one of Soonyoung secrets (except for the one everyone else seems to know). He could share his doubts with Jihoon and usually does so for a majority of things, but Jihoon doesn’t provide the same kind of security Chan does. Jihoon would simply tell Soonyoung to tell the others to fuck off, and though it is very tempting, most of the time, Soonyoung just needs solace and assurance.

If Soonyoung weren’t so focused on his thoughts, he would see Chan’s concerned look from the far corner of the room. Instead, though, he swallows and fakes a grin at Seungho and unwillingly agrees. He uses the self-deprecation in the hope insulting himself will make it hurt less when the others ridicule him, but all it does is make Soonyoung feel shittier.

Practice drones on, with Chan being completely silent and Soonyoung internally struggling. Once Minhyuk dismisses the class, the two boys wait on the curb outside the studio for Soonyoung’s mother. For the last few days since their fight, Chan has been waiting for his parents to finish teaching their last classes, but tonight, his parents are seeing a few old friends, so Chan is sleeping over at the Kwon household, a true test of who’s going to be the first to give in.

It’s the time of the year where fall blurs into winter, warm enough to not snow but cold enough to make someone want to spend their whole day underneath piles of blankets. Soonyoung is suddenly happy he listened to Yerin in the morning and put on a jacket. Even with the extra layer of warmth, the cold feels like it’s biting at him. He reaches into his backpack to pull out a hotpack when a choked breath stops him.

Chan’s rubbing his hands together for warmth, goosebumps evident on his bare forearms and his body trembling with shivers. He’s clad in only a blue t-shirt and joggers, none of which provide adequate warmth for the weather.

Soonyoung frowns. It’s odd. When they left for school that morning, Chan was wearing two layers of bottoms and a sweater underneath his thick jacket. It makes no sense for him to be so underdressed some hours later.

He opens his mouth to question what happened, but his pride gets in the way. Soonyoung keeps his mouth shut. He settles for simply staring at Chan, is if somehow the heat will transfer from his eyes to Chan’s body. As the minutes go on, however, Chan gets progressively worse, teeth chattering and breath slowing.

Soonyoung’s stomach swirls with worry for his younger friend. In his eyes, Chan has been and always will be his tiny little baby, his world, the thing he treasures the most. Even though the situation isn’t live-or-die, he hates seeing Chan in pain.

Wordlessly, he shrugs off his jacket and places it around Chan’s shoulders.

“Hyung?” Chan is about to say but cuts himself off, his own stubbornness peeking through. He turns to look at his hyung, who simply turns away. Chan pouts and takes the jacket off, throwing it at Soonyoung. _If that’s how you want to play…_

A bundle of fleece and nylon hits Soonyoung’s back. He stops, looks behind him, and stands, mouth agape. Chan is staring right at him, unwavering, with something just short of anger in his eyes. He simply shakes his head and goes back to cuddling himself for warmth.

At this point, Soonyoung is tired. There’s no use for this, not when he knows the both of them are just waiting for the other to cave in. It’s a game of pride and maybe love, but regardless, they’re both losing. He hasn’t had Chan’s annoying (melodic) voice and his stupid pretty smile directed at him for seven whole days and frankly, it’s been hell.

It’s also worrisome to learn he can’t properly function without having Chan behind him, calling out his name like a mantra with everything he does. He’s had Chan in his life for so often that having Chan out of it, even if only barely and for a mere week, completely messes up his rhythm. Chan has become a fixture in Soonyoung’s life, and he wonders how much longer they’ll last as hyung-dongsaeng, neighbors, friends, whatever it is they are.

( _Soonyoung waves goodbye to his three children as they get into the backseat of his mother’s car. He watches until the car turns around the corner and then goes back inside._

_“Chan-ah!” he calls throughout the house. “Our reservations are at 7!”_

_No response. Soonyoung climbs up the stairs, ready to search. He finds his husband standing in front of the mirror of the bathroom of their shared bedroom, frowning and pulling at his skin._

_“Hurry up slowpoke!” Soonyoung teases, pinching Chan’s cheek. “What’s wrong?”_

_Chan frowns. “I’m getting old. Look. I have wrinkles now.”_

_Soonyoung turns Chan to face him and presses his face far too close than necessary to Chan’s forehead. “Nope, don’t see anything here.”_

_Chan laughs fondly and rolls his eyes. “Shut up. You know what I meant.”_

_“No, I really don’t.”_

_“You’re so annoying.” Chan smiles._

_“Anyways,” Soonyoung says, facing Chan toward the mirror and wrapping his arms around his waist as he rests his chin on Chan’s shoulder, “even if you did have wrinkles, you’re still the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.”_

_“You promise, hyung?” Chan replies with a grin._

_Soonyoung presses a kiss to his cheek. “I haven’t heard you call me ‘hyung’ in years. And yes, I do, my precious dongsaeng.”_

_“Even when I’m all wrinkly and old and balding?”_

_“Even then.”_

_“And when I have no teeth?”_

_“Yeah. It’ll make it easier for me to fuck your mouth that way.”_

_“Kwon Soonyoung!” Chan exclaims, scandalized._

_“Yes, Kwon Chan?”_

_Chan giggles, his smile beautiful and brilliant. “You’re too much, you know.”_

_“And you love it.”_

_“Yeah, I do.” Chan beams. “Okay, how about when I have to wear adult diapers and poop myself constantly? Are you still going to think I’m the most beautiful man in the world then, Soonie?”_

_“Who’s the one being too much now?” Soonyoung manages in between laughs. “And yes, I will. No matter what.”_

_Chan blushes and turns around, locking his arms around Soonyoung’s neck. He kisses him, softly and passionately. “I love you.”_

_“I love you too,” Soonyoung responds. “Always have and always will.”_

_They kiss some more and then depart. Soonyoung glances at his phone. “Now let’s go celebrate our seven years of marriage.”_

_“Or, as Jihoon-hyung says, seven years officially, 30 years unofficially,” Chan jokes._

_“And here’s to 30 more.”_ )

If he’s going to keep Chan with him for as long as he plans to, it means giving in. He doesn’t think this loud silence will help, not in the long run. His mother once told him the biggest part of growing up is accepting you’re wrong and not being afraid to admit it. He can’t count on Chan to know that yet, not when he’s still so small and innocent and naive, so Soonyoung decides he’s going to be the mature one, only for Chan, and says, “Where’s your jacket, Chan?”

Chan’s eyes visibly widen. He opens his mouth and then shuts it again, before swallowing. “It’s nothing.”

“Give it a rest already, okay?” Soonyoung spits out. “Can we just talk? Please?”

Chan nods.

“So what happened to your clothes?”

“Nothing.”

Soonyoung runs a hand through his hair in frustration and groans. “Tell me what happened. You had a full set of clothing this morning and before practice started, and now you’re standing outside in the cold freezing in your dance wear. Your clothes didn’t magically walk away.”

Chan mumbles something and looks away in shame

“What?”

Another murmur.

Soonyoung prompts, “Come on, Channie. I promise I’m not mad. I just want to know what happened.”

Chan looks at him, eyes dewy with unshed tears. “Sanghyuk-hyung got mad at me because I accidentally stepped on his backpack and so he threw his clothes at me and then I fell and I bumped into Seungho-hyung and made him hit his arm and he got mad too so then he grabbed my clothes and threw them all the way to the ceiling and they got stuck on top of the locker and he and Sanghyuk-hyung and Hanbin-hyung started laughing and every time I asked for help they just laughed more and I didn’t wanna be near them to I went into the bathroom and waited for everyone to leave and—”

“I understand, Chan,” Soonyoung interrupts. The general gist of it all is the older dancers in their class were being douchebags, as per usual, and Chan was receiving the brunt of their harassment. Perhaps what they did wasn’t overtly malicious, but it was still in mean spirits, and Chan, being several years their junior and just a bit too wide-eyed to hope maybe the hyungs want him around, doesn’t fight back. “They’re jerks.”

Chan’s eyebrows furrow. “But you’re friends with them.”

Soonyoung feels a pang of guilt. He thought he was, until whatever sort of rapport he wanted to build with them came at the cost of his not-just-friendship with Chan. He realizes now that he doesn’t need any of his dance hyungs’ approval, not when he has Lee Chan behind him, admiring and supporting him no matter what. Even if he’s scared to know what exactly that implies about his feelings for Chan, it doesn’t change how essential Chan is to his life.

“I was,” Soonyoung admits, “but they still treated me like crap. Did you see how mad Seungho-hyung was earlier?”

Chan nods. “Yeah. Sorry for that, hyung. He shouldn’t have made fun of you in front of everyone else.”

“Don’t apologize, Channie, you weren’t the ones laughing,” Soonyoung reassures. “Now, how about we get your stuff back?”

“But hyung, your mom is coming soon!” Chan points out. “Plus, the studio is closed.”

“Nonsense.” Soonyoung turns the knob of the door and, almost magically, it opens. “See? I saw Minhyuk-hyung in here before we left. I think he’s the one your parents asked to close.”

He walks in and Chan follows as always. The studio is mostly dark, sans the light in the hallway and a couple of the other rooms. At the end of the hall on the right is the boys locker room, hopefully empty now since some time has passed since practice.

“Now, where did you say they threw your clothes?” Soonyoung asks once they’ve entered.

Chan points. “Up there.”

Soonyoung bites his lip and thinks. He thought Chan was exaggerating when he said the hyungs threw his clothes on top of the lockers, and now, he can see them perched up at least two feet above him. The lockers aren’t especially tall, but as a preteen boy who hasn’t hit five feet yet, it’s the equivalent of Mount Everest. “Oh, crap.”

“Hyung, that’s a bad word!”

“It’s okay, Channie, I’m older so I can say it.” Soonyoung gets on his hands and knees. “Alright, up you go.”

“What?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Soonyoung gets up. “I know I’m taller, but you’re too weak to support me. Now do you want your clothes or not?”

Chan nods and Soonyoung reassumes his position. Chan carefully steps on his hyung’s back. Chan is pretty light, so the pressure on Soonyoung’s back doesn’t hurt very much. Chan puts one hand against the locker to steady himself while the other reaches for his lost clothes. After some wobbles and the occasional pause to regain his balance, Chan finally retrieves his clothes and hops off Soonyoung’s back.

Outside the locker room, Kim Minhyuk absentmindedly checks the dance studio rooms, his phone pressed against his ear with his shoulder. His girlfriend, Jiyeon, is telling him about her day at work when her voice suddenly cuts off.

“Huh?” he wonders, confused. He looks at the caller ID, an unknown number. “Hello?”

“Kim Minhyuk-ssi?” a silvery voice on the other line asks.

“Yeah, that’s me.”

“Hello!” the voice greets and he can picture the smile in the caller’s voice. “Sorry for suddenly calling. Jinhee gave me your number. I’m Kwon Yerin. I’m the mother of one of your students, Kwon Soonyoung.”

“Oh, yeah?” Minhyuk responds as he fiddles with the keys to lock some of the doors. “Yeah, he’s a really good dancer. He can keep up with the older guys pretty well.”

“I’m happy to hear. Thank you,” Yerin replies. “Tonight, I was supposed to pick him and Lee Chan up, but unfortunately I’ve been tied up at work. I would ask my husband to pick the kids up, but he’s out of town for the time being. I was wondering if you could please drop off Soonyoung and Chan and my home, please?”

Minhyuk feels like he’s forgetting something. He glances up and down the corridor. The lights are all shut off and half the doors are open, but it’s not like he needs to lock them all up, anyways, because who would break into a dance studio?

He strolls into the cafeteria, which is really just a table, vending machine, and fridge, and it hits him. He has to lock up the safe. “Oh, of course, that’s what it is.”

The odd phrasing is lost on Yerin. Once she hears his agreement, she smiles, though he cannot see her. “Thank you so much! I don’t know how I can repay you.”

“What?” Minhyuk asks, before he remembers he has someone on the line. “Oh, yes, it’s no problem Miss.”

Yerin hangs up with a goodbye as Minhyuk tries to figure out what he agreed to do. He shrugs it off as nothing and makes his way to the office. He quickly locks the safe and praises himself for remembering to do such an important task. There’s something else his mind is screaming at him to do, but Minhyuk never listens to that voice. He has to get home soon anyways. A storm was forecasted for the night, and with that, he leaves.

Chan, now dressed in layers of warmth, and Soonyoung exit the locker room into a dark hallway. Chan subconsciously leans into Soonyoung, while Soonyoung reflexively pushes Chan behind him, ready to protect from whatever monster is lurking in the night.

“Hyung?” Chan says, voice shaky. “What happened?”

Soonyoung swallows and stands up straighter. “The lights are probably motion activated. Nobody else is here.”

“But you said Minhyuk-hyung was here.”

“He was.” Soonyoung feels around for a lightswitch. “Are you afraid of the dark?”

Chan nods before he realizes Soonyoung can’t see it. “Yes.”

“Then just stay behind me, okay?” Soonyoung tells him. He guides them down the corridor via the light coming from some of the practice rooms. “Look, the lights are still on here. Maybe Minhyuk-hyung is inside.”

They reach the first room, only to learn it is empty. The rest of the rooms are the same way. Soonyoung grabs Chan’s hand and pulls him to the parlor. He finally finds the lightswitch, flicks it on, and seats his dongsaeng on the couch.

Chan watches as Soonyoung feebly tries to turn the handle of the main entrance. He punches some random numbers into the pinpad on the left. A bright red “incorrect code” message appears and Soonyoung groans and sits next to Chan.

“Are we stuck?”

“Maybe,” Soonyoung answers with a groan. “Minhyuk-hyung obviously isn’t here and the only way to get out is through that door. Do you know the code, Channie?”

Chan bites his lips rather cutely, Soonyoung notes. He thinks for a few seconds before his eyes flash with remembrance. “Have you tried my birthday?”

“It was the first thing I tried, year and all,” Soonyoung says, ignoring how he basically admitted he had Chan’s birthday committed to memory. “Do you know your parents anniversary?”

Chan shakes his head. “No, but it’s not that, either. My mom said it had something to do with me.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Soonyoung huffs. “The weatherman said there was gonna be a storm tonight, so even if we do get out, I’d rather be in here than waiting outside in the pouring rain.”

“What about your mom?”

“She’ll honk her horn or something. She wouldn’t want us to stand in the rain.” Soonyoung stands and grins. “Besides, this gives us a bunch of new opportunities.”

“What do you mean, hyung?”

“We’re here, all alone, with no adults around. We can basically do whatever we want.”

Chan’s face lights up with glee, making Soonyoung’s stomach flutter with butterflies. “Are you sure? What if we get in trouble?”

“We won’t if we don’t make a mess,” Soonyoung assures. “Do you remember all those times when we snuck out to look at the stars? We never got in trouble.”

Chan nods. “Okay, then, what do you want to do first?”

“I’ll do whatever you want to do, Channie.”

“Tag in the dark?”

“You’re on.”

And for the first time, Soonyoung chases and Chan runs.

( _“For the first time?” Seungkwan repeats. “Really? You couldn’t give Chan a little bit more than that?”_

_“Soonyoung wasn’t the smartest cookie in the box,” Jihoon begins, “and when it came to Chan, his stupidity increased tenfold.”_

_Jeonghan continues, “Meaning Soonyoung was about as dense as a rock in a kiddie pool and stubborn like no other, so he just assumed Chan would be behind him..”_

_“He really thought what was going on between him and Chan was normal for all hyung-dongsaeng relationships,” Hansol adds._

_“He once asked me if I ever dreamt about sharing a bed with Hansol and I straight up told him I’ve never wanted to fuck any of my dongsaengs,” Mingyu says._

_“I have,” chimes Jihoon as he softly massages Seokmin’s thigh._

_“Me too,” Jun agrees,  feigning pain when Minghao smacks his arm._

_Wonwoo smirks, something dark in his eyes. “You know, Mingyu-yah, you might not have wanted to fuck your dongsaeng, but I do recall you wanting to fuck a certain hyung.”_

_“Shut up,” Mingyu musters, his cheeks red with embarrassment. “We’re breaking up.”_

_“God, and I thought Hansollie was dense,” Seungkwan dramatically sighs. “I only dealt with them throughout high school. I can’t imagine dealing with them since childhood. Must have been a special kind of hell.”_

_“I’m uninviting you from my wedding,” Soonyoung states. “Fuck all of you.”_

_Chan smiles. “Can’t do that when we’re already at the reception, Soonie.”_

_“Channie,” whines Soonyoung. “You’re my husband! You’re supposed to support me.”_

_“I spent 20 years loving you while you were being a dumbass,” Chan reminds. “Let me have my fun.”)_

A little over an hour later, Chan pants and flops back down on the couch in the lobby. “That was so fun!”

Soonyoung, breathless, agrees. “Are you tired already? I thought you were a big boy.”

“Hyung,” Chan whines. “We had dance practice earlier! And you chased me around the whole studio. And, I haven’t eaten yet.”

“Lee Chan, you’re supposed to have three meals a day, plus some snacks in between,” Soonyoung chides. “Why didn’t you eat?”

“It was a tuna sandwich and I don’t like tuna sandwiches,” Chan confesses. “Normally if I don’t like my lunch, you switch with me, but you weren’t talking so I didn’t say anything.”

Soonyoung sucks in a breath. It’s the first time either of them have acknowledged the fight since it happened and he doesn’t know what to even say about it, so he says nothing. “I spent my allowance this week on the new Shinee album so I can’t buy anything from the vending machine, but maybe your parents have something in their office.”

Chan pouts but follows Soonyoung. The office is to the direct right of the entrance past Subin’s desk. It’s easy to miss and secluded, though Soonyoung guesses the Lees want to keep their safe as secret as possible. The office is much smaller than any of the other rooms in the studio, furnished by a couch, a desk with stacks of paper and a computer on top, bookshelves, some filing cabinets, a small television, the safe, and a mini fridge.

“Bingo!” Soonyoung exclaims, opening the door. He tosses Chan a bottle of water. “Here, eat.”

“Don’t you mean drink, hyung?” Chan teases and takes a sip. “I’m still hungry.”

Soonyoung rolls his eyes. “What do you expect me to do then, Chan?”

Chan flinches and something akin to fear flashes in his eyes. Soonyoung thinks it’s because of the sudden thundering noise outside, but quickly realizes Chan is afraid Soonyoung is going to get mad again. The feeling of guilt bubbles up in his gut again.

He’s been a bad hyung, Soonyoung knows. He hasn’t taken care of Chan, hasn’t protected him, hasn’t done any of the things he should do to keep Chan safe like his mother told him all those years ago on that fateful day. He and Chan aren’t quite just hyung and dongsaeng either, which just makes him feel worse.

Soonyoung can’t risk having another fallout with the younger, not if it means having Chan out of his life, even partially so, and especially if it makes Chan wary of his every move. He knows most of their conflicts are due to Soonyoung’s stubbornness and denial. Maybe if he were a little bit older and more self-aware he’d see why he can only be aloof and cautious around Chan. Currently, however, he’s 12 and ignorant of his own feelings, and reasons his unprovoked annoyance with Chan is because of the younger’s age and not because of what’s most obvious.

Regardless, he knows he has to treat Chan better if he wants to keep him close. He has to swallow his pride. Soonyoung’s not the type to act as if he is a model character, choosing instead to make his flaws known by laughing them off, but when it comes to Chan, he can only ever be the perfect hyung, nothing less.

Perhaps that’s another reason why he’s so scared of what Chan makes him fee and letting him in: if Chan gets too close, he’ll see Soonyoung isn’t the best hyung ever and his admiration will fade. Soonyoung can’t (won’t) let Chan slip out of his grip just like that.

“I mean, uh,” Soonyoung stutters, “we don’t have any food here right now, so just wait, okay? I promise when my mom gets here and picks us up, I’ll give you all my Pocky, okay?”

He ruffles Chan’s hair affectionately and can’t force away the fond smile that graces his face when Chan looks up at him with doe-like eyes. “Yes, Channie?”

“You wanna know a secret, hyung?”

“Sure.”

Chan grins. He crouches down and grabs the underside of the couch, before pulling. Slowly, a cushion comes out from underneath, extending until the couch has become a bed. Chan plops down and rests his head on one of the cushions as a makeshift pillow. “Ta-da!”

Soonyoung can’t help but softly smile at how proud Chan is of himself for such a mild task. He lies down next to him. “Why is this here?”

Chan turns his whole body toward his hyung, propping himself up with his arm. “My mom used to talk about how, before we moved into our house, they didn’t have money. They spent everything on the dance studio.”

The implications behind Chan’s words are not lost on Soonyoung, who swallows. “They loved dancing that much?”

“I think. My dad says dancing is one of the few things he can always count on in this world. They opened the studio so other people could feel the same way.”

“They’ve done a good job,” Soonyoung replies. “Everyone here loves them.”

“Yeah, and I love them the most,” Chan says with a tiny giggle. “I want to be like them when I grow up.”

“You want to open your own dance studio?”

Chan shakes his head. “No. I want to take this one when my parents are old. It’s my dream.”

There’s so much maturity and seriousness in his voice Soonyoung almost forgets Chan still sleeps with stuffed animals. It reminds him there’s much more to his dongsaeng than meets the eye. “I never knew that.”

“It’s a secret. I want to surprise my parents.” Another crash of thunder rings through the dance studio, causing Chan to lean in just a little bit closer to Soonyoung, until their breaths are almost shared. “What about you, hyung?”

“What?”

“Don’t you have any dreams?”

Soonyoung thinks. He’s had this question asked to him countless times, from his aunties and uncles trying to make conversation, to teachers putting them on worksheets handed out on the first day in an attempt to get to know their students. Each time, he writes he wants to be the world’s first paleontologist-astronaut-dancer so he can study three of his favorite things in life. It’s an easy answer and is sure to garner him some amused smiles. When he really thinks about the time ahead, though, it consists his other favorite thing in life: Chan.

When he pictures his life in 10, 15, 20 years, the one constant is Chan. His friends and family are there too, all equally as important to him as oxygen, but Chan is usually the main focus. Soonyoung isn’t quite sure what he envisions Chan being in the future; all he wants and hopes for is for Chan to be by his side.

“I want to be the world’s first part-time paleontologist, part-time astronaut, and part-time dancer,” he replies.

Chan’s eyes sparkle with interest. “Really? That’s so cool!”

Soonyoung feels his body swell with the praise. Chan’s veneration never fails to make Soonyoung feel warm and tingly inside, though, if he’s being honest, nearly everything Chan does makes Soonyoung feel like the sun is rising in his heart. He doesn’t want to admit this yet, however, and is pleased when Chan seems to accept his answer.

Except, of course, Lee Chan never does what Kwon Soonyoung wants him to do.

“What else, hyung? I wanna know!” Chan prompts. “Please?”

“What more is there to it?” Soonyoung scoffs, hoping Chan will leave it alone.

“Who’s there with you? Are you married with kids? Where do you live?”

An image of he and Chan, cuddling on a couch and laughing as they stare at faceless children in front of them put on a do-it-yourself play, flashes through Soonyoung’s brain before he can stop himself. The thought screams domestic bliss and Soonyoung’s terrified at how happy it makes him feel.

“What about you, Channie?” he redirects. “What’s your dream?”

“I told you, hyung,” Chan replies, “I want to run the studio.”

“What else, dongsaeng? I wanna know!” Soonyoung mocks. “Please?”

“Hmm.” Chan strokes his his imaginary beard in thought and bites his lip. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Soonyoung replies. He flinches. There’s far too much interest in his voice than necessary, but at the same time, he _needs_ to know. _Do you see me in your future, too? If you try to visualize it without me, does it feel empty? Do you want us to be together forever?_

Chan shrugs. “I mean, as long as I have the dance studio and you, I don’t really need anything else.”

“Oh,” is all Soonyoung manages to say. He knows Chan is oblivious to what his words imply, and yet, his naivety makes it all the worse for Soonyoung. It shows how genuinely Chan thinks he just needs Soonyoung and dance in his life to be happy, how vital Soonyoung is to Chan’s life as Chan is to his.

Soonyoung swallows. If Chan can be so transparent, then so can he. “I understand.”

“You do?”

“I…” Soonyoung begins, planning his next words carefully. “I do.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been with me for so long, Channie. It’s hard to picture a life without you in it when all I’ve known is you.”

Chan’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. “But you’ve known Jeonghan-hyung and Jihoon-hyung longer than me. What about them?”

“They don’t….they don’t make me feel like you do.” Soonyoung’s mind can’t help but recoil when he realizes he’s reiterating what Chan said during their argument last week.

“Do you feel warm, too, hyung, is that it?” Chan asks.

Soonyoung nods.

Chan’s smile is so bright and beautiful Soonyoung feels temporarily blinded. He feels like he’s on cloud nine, his heart bursting with _love_ , all for a smile. He makes a mental note to make Chan smile like that as much as he can.

Soonyoung and Chan lay there, smiling at each other and basking in the light of whatever it is they are. The storm is thundering outside and everything, from how they’re going to get home to what their relationship is, is a mystery, but inside they’re warm and content and that’s all that matters.

A loud crash from outside vibrates through the halls and breaks their moment. Chan flinches and leans into Soonyoung’s chest, while Soonyoung reflexively wraps an arm around him.

“Hyung, what was that?!” Chan wails.

“Nothing, Channie,” Soonyoung answers, though he has no idea himself. “Probably just the wind.”

Both boys stay still on the pull out bed and hold their breaths. Aggressive thumps trail up and down the hallway, as if who-or-whatever outside is searching for something. The sound of a door slamming echoes throughout the mostly-empty studio, causing Chan’s breath to hitch.

“Hyung,” he whispers, panic evident in his voice.

“Shhh,” Soonyoung coos. “Calm down. Hyung will protect you.”

As if on cue, the door slams open. Soonyoung’s first instinct is to clutch Chan close. If they’re about to be dragged into the depths of hell by an unknown monster, at least it’s together.

“Oh, there you two are!” a familiar voice exclaims.

Soonyoung lets go of Chan and turns his body toward the door. Standing there is Yerin, a relieved expression on her face. Her business suit is drenched in rain and she’s panting.

“Mom?” Soonyoung questions the same time Chan says, “Auntie?”

Yerin walks over to the bed and pulls both boys into a tight hug. Even though her hair and clothes are wet, there’s an unmistakable warmth behind the embrace and all at once, Soonyoung feels at ease.

Yerin breathes a sigh of release. “Thank God. I’m so happy you two are safe. I just assumed the worst.”

“What do you mean, Auntie?”

“I got caught up at the office,” Yerin answers. “Jaewook’s been out of town for the last few days so I asked your teacher to drop you off at home, but when I got there, nobody was home. I called Minhyuk-hyung to ask where you were, and he said he had no idea! Can you believe it? I don’t know if things got lost in translation or if he’s forgetful or absent-minded or what, but he had no clue he was supposed to drop you off at home. I was so worried you two might try to go home on your own, so I got here as fast as I can.”

( _That Minhyuk guy is a fucking idiot,” Wonwoo states._

_Chan nods. “Yeah, my parents fired him later that week.”_

_“Last time I saw him I was at a dance competition with Jun and Minghao,” Soonyoung recalls. “I don’t know if he was still a dumbass, though.”_

_“He definitely was,” Jun says. “Haohao and I saw him lick the bottom of his shoe for good luck.”)_

The car ride home is filled with Yerin’s grumbling about that stupid “beep” Minhyuk and Chan’s nonlinear babbles. Soonyoung finds himself rather engrossed in Chan’s words and actually tries to converse with him, instead of ignoring the younger like he normally does.

Perhaps it’s because he’s been without Chan for a week and realizes he how tortuous that is. It could be due to the fact that he’s genuinely interested in whatever Chan is talking about. And maybe it’s because now, he doesn’t have to hide. He and Chan both know how the other feels, and it’s not definitive or concrete but it’s _something_.

And that’s enough for now.

Yerin seats the two of them on the living room couch while she prepares a late dinner. They’re sharing a blanket, sitting far too close for it to be platonic and yet at the same time not quite cuddling, and watching the animated brothers try and salvage their summer by building some complex machine. Soonyoung knows he should do his homework, but all he wants to do right now is remain in his little bubble with Chan.

Something keeps plaguing his mind, however. “Channie? Can I say something?”

Chan turns his head. “Yes, Soonyoung-hyung?”

“About earlier…” Soonyoung starts. “I, uh, I never properly apologized for what happened.”

“It’s okay, hyung, really—”

“It’s not okay, Channie,” Soonyoung declares. “I had no right to be so mean to you when you did nothing wrong. I’m your hyung. My job is to protect you and I failed to do that. I’m so sorry, Chan. Can you forgive me?”

Chan beams. “You’re already forgiven.”

“Thank you,” Soonyoung responds. “Also, about tonight…”

Chan stares at him expectantly. His eyes have always been so expressive, in part because Chan is as subtle as a stab through the heart. Soonyoung can’t get anything past Chan, either, so there’s no turning back.

“When you said I made you feel warm, did you mean it?”

And almost immediately, Chan nods.

“Good.” Soonyoung pauses. “Because I meant what I said, too.”

“Really?”

“Yes. You make me feel warm, too, but…” Soonyoung hesitates. “...But I don’t know why. And that scares me.”

“Can I say something too, hyung?” Chan asks and Soonyoung nods. “I don’t know either.”

Soonyoung exhales. “So what does that make us?”

Chan takes a moment to think and Soonyoung notes how grown up he looks here, almost as if he isn’t nine years old and deathly afraid of squids. It’s funny how, in spite of Chan being the younger one, he’s the one most mature when it comes to things like this, things like Chan and Soonyoung’s not-just-friendship.

“I don’t know.” Chan pauses and breathes. “But do we have to know? I mean, if we feel the same way, then does anything have to change?”

“Nothing has to change, but what if something does?” Soonyoung tries to picture himself not feeling warm when he’s around Chan, but he can’t. He’s had these sort of feelings for as long as he can remember to the point where it’s a piece of him. He can’t let it go like that, can’t let Chan go like that. If Chan wants to go, however, it’s a different story. “Do you see anything changing?”

“No, hyung, I never could,” Chan confesses. “Do you?”

“No,” states Soonyoung firmly. “I’m scared something will, though.”

“I am too.” Chan bites his lip. “You’re so mature and cool, hyung, and I’m a little baby. You’re going to leave me behind.”

Soonyoung surpesses a gasp. The words he’d thought to himself and heard his dance hyungs say sound so vile coming from Chan’s mouth. It makes acid come up his throat, makes his stomach twist and turn something rotten. “I’d never leave you behind. You’re...you’re…” _my best friend, my confidant, my something, my person_ “...you’re important to me, Channie.”

“But what if something changes?” Chan wonders, throwing Soonyoung’s own words back at him.

“Doesn’t matter,” Soonyoung says, shaking his head. The week they didn’t speak was the closest to a change in their dynamic, and it was enough to cause Soonyoung to swallow his pride and fears enough to talk things out with Chan. The thought of anything else changing what they are makes him want to run.

Chan declares, “Then let’s make this official. If you won’t change, then I won’t change. Promise?”

Soonyoung knows that on the surface, this is impossible. He and Chan will grow and mature, both together and separately, no matter how hard they try. They’ll see a world outside of their cul-de-sac and make friends who aren’t named Hansol, Jeonghan, Mingyu, or Jihoon.

He knows Chan is aware of this this, too, but can’t articulate what he actually wants to say. Soonyoung is certain what Chan is asking for is for Soonyoung to still feel warm, to still care for Chan the same way Chan cares for him, despite any and all changes coming their way. It’s a lot to ask for, they both know, but their lives are so intertwined that anything different would be meaningless.

Soonyoung smiles, links Chan’s pinky with his own, and says, “I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not gonna lie, i'm lowkey proud of the ending. also i used the names of main dancers from several other boy groups and even though they're kinda dicks in this, i have nothing against them!!! i actually really like all of the groups i used lmao.  
> next chapter is titled "and for the first time i had something to lose"


	4. and for the first time i had something to lose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my loves!!! i'm sorry this took so long to write, but as you can see, it's over 20,000 words long. i debated splitting this up in to more chapters, but it didn't flow well linearly. i struggled with conveying soonyoung's feelings for chan, mostly because he isn't a kid who can't understand what love is anymore, but at the same time he doesn't know what he feels, either. he knows he values chan, and a part of him knows it's love, but he's heavily in denial.

Soonyoung is 17 and Chan is 14 when Soonyoung realizes there are no guarantees in life.

It’s the first day of his final year of high school and, coincidentally, Chan’s first.

He’s in Chan’s bedroom, laying across his bed, as Chan frantically tries to fix his hair. Soonyoung’s pajamas from last night are stuck in a drawer on the bedside table, along with some of his other belongings. Chan’s bedroom has become Soonyoung’s second and vice versa, so he feels no shame in lounging about.

Soonyoung laughs at something Mingyu has sent him, a picture of Jihoon staring at Seokmin with the most dumbstruck and in love look on his face while Hansol and Seungkwan are in the background shooting them a thumbs up. Soonyoung guesses they stopped at a cafe before school and vaguely recalls Jihoon inviting them to come the night before, but Soonyoung and Chan both declined.

“What’s so funny?” Chan asks as he momentarily stops fumbling with his hair.

Soonyoung shows him the photo. Jihoon’s being obvious again.”

Chan smiles. “Is he ever going to ask Seokmin-hyung out?”

“I really don’t think he ever will in this lifetime,” Soonyoung admits. “Wait. You know?”

“Who doesn’t?” Chan falls onto the bed next to Soonyoung, effectively ruining the hair he spent the last 30 minutes doing and making the gelled bits of his hair stick up in the back. “It’s not hard to see when Jihoon-hyung yells at anyone who takes a bite of his food, but then willingly offers it to Seokmin-hyung.”

“Or when Jihoon only allows Seokmin into his studio.” Soonyoung stretches. “Seokmin isn’t subtle at all either. Do you remember when he shoved Mingyu to the floor just to sit next to Jihoon at Hansol’s 10th birthday party?”

“Yeah, and then Mingyu-hyung had to get stitches because he almost bit his tongue off,” Chan recalls, laughing. “I don’t get why neither of them are saying anything.”

“People don’t realize their house is on fire when they feel the heat, only when they see the smoke,” Soonyoung advises like a wise old sage.

Chan hits him withith a pillow. “Shut up. You stole that from a fucking fortune cookie.”

“How dare you think I’d steal any of my words of wisdom!” Soonyoung exclaims with feigned offense. “But really, they’re both just stupid and unaware.”

“You really think it’s possible for two people to be in love and have everyone know it but them?” Chan wonders. “Are people that dense?”

( _“You guys keep on roasting me and how stupid I was, but Jihoon was really dumb, too,” Soonyoung reminds. “He was in love with Seokmin once he heard his voice.”_

_Jihoon swallows. “So? Seungkwan cornered Hansol in the cafeteria the moment he saw him just to tell him how beautiful he thought he was, and it still took Hansol three months to figure out Seungkwan liked him.”_

_“Mingyu-hyung stalked Wonwoo-hyung in the library for like six weeks before he asked him his name,” Seungkwan replies._

_“Oh, yeah? W-well,” Mingyu stammers, “Jun-hyung was really confused because he wanted to fuck Minghao but then cuddle him afterward, and I had to explain to him that it meant he felt more than just lust.”_

_Jun links his hand with Minghao’s. “And right after, I asked him out properly, unlike some of you.”_

_“That’s bullshit,” Minghao states indignantly. “It took you like five months and then you literally just randomly told me at dance practice how nice you thought my legs were and how you wanted them wrapped around your waist forever and—”_

_“The lesson here, Soonyoung-ah,” Jeonghan interrupts, “is that everyone had their shit resolved within a couple of months. It took you nearly 20 years.”)_

“When it comes to Jihoon and Seokmin, yes,” answers Soonyoung. “I dunno. Maybe it’s best they don’t get together yet.”

“Why? If they feel the same way, then what is there to lose?”

There’s a determination in Chan’s eyes that Soonyoung usually admires, but not when it’s aimed at him and their relationship. It’s a not-so-pleasant reminder Chan can read him like a book so Soonyoung can’t hide anything. He knows Chan knows there’s something between them and Chan’s old enough that Soonyoung old tricks and attempts at denial won’t work anymore.

Soonyoung exhales. “I mean, what if they break up? Everything will just be awkward.”

_And they’ll lose the friendship they have. And then they won’t be able to talk to each other again despite knowing each other for years and everything will change. And maybe one of them will realize the other isn’t as perfect as he thought he was and he’ll leave._

“But what if they don’t?” Chan counters. “Isn’t it worth the risk?”

Soonyoung shakes his head. “I don’t think so. We’ve got a whole life ahead of us, Channie, and I want to keep you in it.”

“Don’t you mean Jihoon-hyung wants to keep Seokmin-hyung in it?”

Soonyoung chokes on his saliva. He clears his throat. “Oh, yeah.”

( _"_ _You were so cute,” Chan giggles and pinches Soonyoung’s cheek affectionately. “You really thought I didn’t know you loved me.”_

_“I knew you knew,” Soonyoung corrects. “I just didn’t know that you knew that I knew.”_

_“What?”_

_“I was in denial, okay? I was still convinced what I felt for you was completely platonic,” Soonyoung fiddles with the ring on Chan’s hand. “But I know better now.”)_

Chan bites his lips and is about to say something, but decides against it. “Whatever you say, Soonyoung.”

“That’s Soonyoung- _hyung_ , you disrespectful brat,” Soonyoung chastises. “Now will you hurry the fuck up?! We’re gonna be late for your first day of high school!”

They meet the rest of their friends at their usual spot in the courtyard underneath the tree next to the library entrance. Mingyu is scrolling idly on his phone. Jihoon sits and downs what is presumably his 3rd cup of black coffee as he stares, amused, at Seungkwan and Seokmin singing along to the song Hansol is playing on his speaker. It’s an image Soonyoung has seen countless times over his years in high school, with new members being added and, after the end of the last school year, leaving.

“There you two are!” Mingyu calls. “God, what took you so long?”

“Chan took forever to do his fucking hair,” Soonyoung moans. “And then he messed it up afterward.”

“Our precious little maknae starting high school!” coos Seungkwan. “He’s growing up so fast!”

“He’s so cute too in his widdle unifoam,” Seokmin teases and pulls Chan in for a tight hug. “Aww, Channie, are you weady for the wold?”

“Hyung,” Chan whines. “Please stop.”

Mingyu grins and joins in on the hug. “Can you really blame us when just the other day you were chasing Soonyoung-hyung around the playground and crying because you couldn’t catch up?”

“Isn’t that just like right now?” Jihoon mutters to Soonyoung, who rolls his eyes. “You know Jeonghan-hyung is probably crying because he’s missing your first step into adulthood.”

“Hyung, you said that when I grew my first chest hair,,” reminds Chan.

“And Jeonghan-hyung did cry, so your point is invalid,” Jihoon retorts. “Speaking of Jeonghannie-hyung, didn’t you promise to video call him?”

Chan’s eyes widen in realization and he quickly pulls his phone out of his pocket, well aware of how Jeonghan gets when he feels his dongsaengs are ignoring him. He taps on the contact name with an excessive amount of angel emojis after it, courtesy of the most devilish man Chan knows. It rings. “Hyung?”

“Chan-ah!” Jeonghan’s muffled voice screams on the other line. “Didn’t I tell you to call me first thing in the morning?!”

“Sorry, I forgot.”

“And who did your hair? It looks like a duck’s ass!”

“That’s the style, hyung, it looks cool!”

“Did Jihoon tell you that?” Jeonghan asks. “I told you not to trust him. He’ll tell you you look good in a stupid, ugly neon yellow fucking Big Bird onesie and let you wear it to Pajama Day at school just to laugh at you.”

Jihoon whines, “Hyung, that was eight years ago! Get over it!”

“Didn’t know snakes had such good hearing,” Jeonghan remarks offhandedly. “Anyways, how has everything been so far? Are you eating properly?”

“Yes, I am,” answers Chan. “How are things over there, hyung?

“The same way thing were when you called me yesterday.” Something that sounds like yelling in the distance is heard. “Oh, and Jisoo and Seungcheollie say hi.”

“How are our kids doing?” Seungcheol’s face suddenly comes into frame.

“We haven’t even met you, yet, hyung!” Seungkwan calls from somewhere in the background. “You aren’t our father.”

“I’m dating Jeonghannie and he said he’s your mother. Therefore, I am your father.”

“By that logic, I’m their father, too.” Jisoo grabs the phone from Jeonghan’s hand and shoves him out of the way. “Channie! How are you doing?”

“You have other dongsaengs, you know!” Soonyoung calls from behind Chan.

Jeonghan knocks Joshua to the ground, smiles, and says, “Yes, but I have only one baby, and he will remain as only my baby until he is 30, or someone pulls his head out of his ass. Whatever comes first.”

“At this rate, Chan will be 50 before anything even happens,” Jihoon mumbles at the same time Soonyoung shouts, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Jeonghan glances at something out of frame. “Oh, would you look at that, it’s time for our dinner date! Cheol-ah! Shua-ya! We have to go!”

“But Hannie, it’s 7 in the morning—” Seungcheol begins

“I said we have a dinner date. Now let’s go.” Jeonghan smiles just a bit too sweetly at the camera for it to be comforting. “Bye bye, Channie. Make sure your hyungs are watching you, okay? Especially Soonyoung.”

Before Chan can question him, Jeonghan hangs up. He turns around to the rest of his hyungs, confusion evident on his face. “I wonder what he meant by that.”

“You guess is as good as ours,” Seokmin replies with a cadence in his voice that sounds like he’s trying too hard to be reassuring. “I have no idea.”

“We don’t know at all.” Seungkwan turns to Soonyoung. “Right, hyung?”

Soonyoung feels Mingyu elbowing his side and pushes him off. “Yeah, I don’t know either.”

“The sad part is, he really doesn’t have any clue,” Jihoon stage whispers to Hansol.

Soonyoung frowns. “Why do you keep saying shit under your breath?” When Jihoon responds by staring at him, Soonyoung decides to let it go and grabs Chan’s wrist. “Let’s get out of here, Channie. I promised to give you a tour, remember?”

The rest of their friends stare at the two figures leaving, amused. Once they’re out of hearing distance, a collective groan is heard, followed by light laughter.

“Does Soonyoung-hyung really not get it?” Seokmin asks with a pout, taking a seat on the bench and leaning on Jihoon’s shoulder. “He has to, right? There’s no way nobody is that oblivious.”

“Last night he literally rejected getting donuts and coffee this morning just because he wanted to be alone with Chan,” Mingyu groans. “I know he said he just wanted to sleep in, but he slept over at Chan’s and we all know they stayed up all night watching those goddamn dinosaur videos or talking about the stars or something.”

“They even have nicknames for each other,” adds Seungkwan. “Channie told me. It’s Dino and Hoshi. Hoshi because it means star in Japanese, Dino because...well...you know.”

Mingyu makes a disgusted face. “They’re so cute sometimes I want to fucking vomit. But seriously, are they really this unaware?”

Hansol shrugs. “I’m pretty sure Channie has known he’s had feelings for Soonyoung-hyung since, like, first grade. He keeps on complaining to me about how all he wants to do is follow him everywhere, but Soonyoung-hyung won’t let him.”

“Soonyoung-hyung has to know. He has to,” Seokmin cries.

“I wish he fucking did.” Jihoon rolls his eyes. “Every time I try to talk to him about it, he dodges the question or says something like, ‘Chan is just my favorite dongsaeng!’ “

“Regardless, something needs to happen soon. Hyungs are going to college next year,” Seungkwan warns. “Soonyoung-hyung better get his head out of his ass before it’s too late.

The bell rings and Jihoon smirks. He gently pushes Seokmin off his shoulder, ignoring the way his heart flutters. “You’re underestimating how much of a dumbass he is.”

( _“Oh, the fucking irony,” Seungcheol says._

_Minghao scans all the other men seated at the table with confusion. “From what I’m hearing, nearly every couple here is apparently oblivious to love. Why did it take so many of you so much time to get together?”_

_Soonyoung shrugs. “When you’ve only ever known someone as a friend, having those feelings change is weird because you don’t know if you have actual romantic feelings for them or if you just feel some like, super friendship for them.”_

_“That’s true, but why are you saying it?” Mingyu questions. “You fell in love with Chan when he was like a year old. I’m pretty sure there’s no way to feel super friendship from the very beginning.”_

_Before Soonyoung can respond, Joshua remarks, “I guess it just shows how stupid Soonyoung was.”)_

After school ends, Chan and Soonyoung walk to the locker room. Dance tryouts are about to commence. Most of the current members are returning from years previous, so a majority of the people auditioning will be first-years, one of them being Chan.

“I’m gonna say it again, Channie. You don’t have to audition,” Soonyoung tells him. “Junnie and I have both seen you dance and you’re probably better than everyone else here. You don’t need to prove yourself.”

Chan smirks. “And miss a chance to show off in front of everyone? Do you really know me at all, hyung?”

 _Yeah, way too much,_ Soonyoung thinks. _Your favorite color is green. You have 5 posters of Michael Jackson in your room. You can recite the entire script Jurassic Park almost perfectly from memory. Your biggest fears are drowning, snakes, and worms. When you’re happy, your eyes shine before you smile, and when you’re sad, you try to mask it by acting like you’re angry. Your best friend is Hansol because he’s one of the only people who will actually talk about the world with you. You’re a terrible cook but you make up for it with enthusiasm._

“Chan-ah!” a voice yells from the end of the hall and snaps Soonyoung out of his thoughts. “How was your first day?”

“It was good, Jun-hyung,” Chan answers. “How about you?”

Jun replies, “Average. Not like I’ve been doing this for four years or something.”

“Question,” Soonyoung interjects. “Where the hell were you this morning?”

Jun rolls his eyes. “Oh, shut up. Mingyu told me you guys barely made it on time and you even missed donuts and coffee.”

“One: it was Chan’s fault. He was taking forever in the morning,” Soonyoung states matter-of-factly. “And two: we got to the spot early enough to know you weren’t there. Probably fucking someone or something”

Jun smirks and says, “What can I say? The ladies love me.”

“Your mother doesn’t count,” Soonyoung informs.

“Yeah, but yours does,” retorts Jun with a grin far too proud for his middle school level comeback.

“That’s gross, hyung,” Chan whines. “Now can we hurry up already? I wanna practice before everyone else gets here.”

Ruffling Chan’s hair affectionately, Jun replies, “Of course. Anything for my favorite dongsaeng.”

Jun wraps an arm around Chan’s shoulder and leads him to the locker room, sending a smug smile Soonyoung’s way. “We’ll see you in a few minutes, Soonyoung”

Soonyoung clenches his fists together. He realizes Jun is doing this just to twist his arm, the sly bastard he is, but it still makes his stomach churn in anger. He wants to scream.

It isn’t just Jun, either. Soonyoung feels the same way when Seungkwan pinches Chan’s cheeks in a condescending, yet doting, yet aggressive manner, or when Mingyu offers to take Chan out for lunch, or even when Hansol and Chan hang out alone. Soonyoung understands they have no bad intentions and that their tendency to be over-affectionate is out of fondness for the baby of their group, no matter how much Chan protests. He knows, he knows, he knows.

It doesn’t change the fact that it sends Soonyoung into a spiral of internal rage. He would never outwardly show this to anyone, and most of the time the only indication he’s irritated is the small pout on his lips and furrow of his brows, even if Jihoon insists he’s not subtle at all because everyone can see it. Regardless of how Soonyoung may appear, the most frustrating part of whatever emotion he feels for Chan is not knowing _why_ he feels that way.

A part of him knows exactly why he turns into a possessive, immature, and, frankly, a little bit scary emotional mess of a man. That part has known why for years, since they first met. The rest of Soonyoung, however, is confused.

He’s known Chan for 13 years now. They’ve grown up together. There hasn’t been a single day in his life where he hasn’t spent at least part of it with Chan, aside from the occasional family vacation, and even then, he’s gone on most of those vacations with Chan and their other friends and their families as well. He’s shared many of his interests with Chan, from dancing to astronomy to dinosaurs. He’s seen every side of Chan, the good and the bad, and vice versa. For nearly all of the biggest moments in Soonyoung’s life, Chan has been behind him.

Chan is supposed to be like be like a brother to him, just another dongsaeng. He should be Soonyoung’s best friend, the same way Jihoon is, and yet, in spite of the fact that Soonyoung’s known Jihoon for even longer and has also spent an ungodly amount of time with him, Soonyoung has never once wanted to hold Jihoon in his arms and keep him there forever.

So why? Why doesn’t he feel for Jihoon what he feels for Chan when he’s been friends with Jihoon for longer and they’re the same age? Logically, he and Jihoon should be a match. They’re the same age, were practically raised side-by-side, and Jihoon’s abrasiveness is a perfect contrasting complement to Soonyoung’s hyperactive nature. If they were in a movie, Jihoon would be the best friend next door he ends up marrying and Chan would be a side character there to call Soonyoung out on his shit.

And yet, it’s Chan who haunts Soonyoung’s dreams at night. It’s Chan who makes Soonyoung’s heart race, who makes Soonyoung’s world brighten with just a smile, who makes warmth run through his veins when they’re together.

He’s so _fucked_.

Soonyoung follows the others to the locker room, a look just short of murderous on his face. Jun’s arm isn’t around Chan anymore; in fact, he’s not even near him, instead at his own locker on the other side of the aisle. That just pisses Soonyoung off more, knowing Jun wanted to push Soonyoung’s buttons a little and it worked far better than he probably intended.

( _Minghao lets go off Jun’s hand and stares at him accusingly. “Is there something you want to say, my dear loving and caring boyfriend?”_

_“Haohao,” Jun says in a singsong voice in an attempt to placate him, “I was just fucking with Soonyoung. Trust me, I’d never want Chan, never in a million years.”_

_“Listen here, bitch,” Soonyoung warns, ready to defend his boyfriend. “Chan is fucking amazing and you’re just—”_

_Minghao ignores him. ”You sure?”_

_“Of course I am. I could never want anyone but you.”)_

“Hyung!” Chan shouts once Soonyoung’s done changing. “Can you lend me a pair of shorts? I think I forgot mine.”

Soonyoung shakes his head. “I only brought one pair. Knowing you, you probably just can’t find it because your duffel bag is a fucking mess. Here, let me look for it.”

“No, don’t!” Chan leans over and tries to grab the bag from Soonyoung’s hands.

“Why not?” Soonyoung reaches inside and rummages through it. “What are you hiding in here? A dead body?”

“Hyung,” whines Chan. “Please?”

Soonyoung shakes his head. “No. Now I want to know what you’re hiding. Is it porn? You don’t have to be embarrassed if it is, Chan, it’s normal.”

“Hyung!”

“I mean, not really, though, when you think about it. Like, why do you have it in your duffel bag? Why did you bring it to school? That’s kinda weird, not gonna lie.”

“It’s not porn!”

“Then why are you so touchy about it?” Soonyoung asks. He feels something soft and squishy in the bag, not smooth like a pair of gym shorts but it doesn’t have the texture of a t-shirt either. He pulls it out.

It’s a bit worn out over the years, but Soonyoung can still easily recognize the pale green skin, the blue fabric scales, the white felt teeth and black eyes stitched onto the toy. It’s the stuffed dinosaur he gifted Chan the day they met.

A wave of nostalgia hits Soonyoung and he feels breathless as he tries to reach the shore. His mind goes through the memories of his childhood quickly and sharply. He’s assaulted with images of him and Chan playing tag with with their friends, of vacations to different parts of Korea and the world, of pinky promises and secret kisses and nights spent cuddling. It’s a not-so-gentle reminder of his history with Chan and how interweaved their lives have been.

He swallows. “You still have this? After all this time?”

“Of course,” Chan says, bluntly, as if it’s the most obvious thing on earth that he would keep a stuffed animal Soonyoung got at Target that cost no more than $7 for over a decade. “It’s my good luck charm.”

“Really?” Soonyoung asks, shocked.

He has some mementos himself, from old photos to plastic cars to little figurines from varying destination vacations. His favorite, however, is the bracelet Chan made for him on his first day of kindergarten. He can still remember how nervous Chan was in the car before Hansol’s mother dropped them off and the bright smile Chan wore when all his hyungs came to play with him at recess. Soonyoung especially remembers the shy flush decorating Chan’s cheeks when he handed the beaded bracelet to Soonyoung, held up his wrist, and shyly said, “I have the matching one, hyung, so that means we’ll always be together.”

He thinks he understands why Chan was so afraid of letting Soonyoung see the stuffed animal now; it’s almost like a confession of how much they value the other to keep something for so long. It’s a step into the deep water that reaches past the shallow end of the pool of friendship, a risk neither of them are fearless enough to take.

Chan nods meekly.

“And you bring this everywhere you go?”

“No, not like that,” Chan denies. “It’s when I’m scared for something, like a competition or my first day of school. It calms me down.”

“That’s…” Soonyoung starts, “That’s adorable, Chan.”

“I’m not adorable, hyung!” Chan whines. “I’m too old for that now!”

Soonyoung squeezes Chan’s face between his hands. “Aww, but look at you pouting. That looks pretty adorable to me.”

“Are you two making out in here?” Jun’s voice echoes in the locker room. “Might wanna break up before everyone else gets here. You don’t want to look like you’re giving us any special favors just to get into the team, Channie.”

Chan shoves Soonyoung off of him. “Can you let me get dressed now? Please?”

Soonyoung shrugs and glares daggers at Jun, who has the nerve to smirk at him. The two dance captains make their way to the gym, empty and spotless from lack of use during summer break. Normally, they would hold their practices at Chan’s parents’ studio, but they anticipate a large number of people auditioning and felt it was best to just host it here.

“You’re a fucking mood killer,” Soonyoung practically snarls and Jun.

“There was a mood?” Jun replies with a fake naivety in his tone. “What kind of mood?”

“Shut up, you know what I mean.”

“No, I don’t, and I don’t think you know either.”

“What?”

“Cut the bullshit, Soonyoung,” Jun says, firmly. “Anyone and everyone who sees you and Chan interact for at least 10 seconds can tell you have feelings for each other. I’m not exaggerating, either.”

Soonyoung crosses his arms. “Chan is my childhood friend and favorite dongsaeng. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“Then how do you explain literally everyone else seeing that the two of you are in love? Is everyone wrong?”

“They’re just reading to deeply into things,” Soonyoung answers. “People think the same way about me and Jihoon.”

“No, they really don’t,” Jun points out. “You don’t look at Jihoon like the sun is in his eyes, nor do you coddle and spoil him like you do Chan.”

Soonyoung feels like the floor has been pulled from beneath his feet. Something that felt so personal to him is apparently common knowledge and the worst part of it all is that everyone else seems to have sorted out his feelings before he did. “That’s because Jihoonie doesn’t like affection, you know that.”

“God, you’re really this much in denial?” Jun questions in astonishment. “You and Chan both, Jesus.”

“What?”

Jun laughs and pats Soonyoung’s head like he’s a little puppy who just peed all over the couch, but it’s okay because doesn’t know any better. “Nevermind, co-captain. Let’s just watch these auditions.”

The two of them wait until the rest of the team as well as the auditions file into the large gym. The returning members walk over to their two captains with large smiles.

“Soonyoung-hyung! Jun-hyung! How have you guys been?” one of them, Hyunggu, greets.

“We’ve been good,” answers Jun. “How about you?”

They continue to catch up on the summer until the new recruits finish coming into the gym. One of them, hair now out of its duck ass shape and wearing a t-shirt that suspiciously looks like the one Soonyoung lost last week, is the last to enter. There’s a swagger in his walk that radiates confidence.

Soonyoung and Jun exchange a look and roll their eyes, both wearing matching grins. Their youngest friend has always been one to make an entrance.

“Alright, children, let’s get started,” Soonyoung declares. “My name is Kwon Soonyoung. I’m a fourth year.”

“And I’m Wen Junhui,” introduces Jun. “We are your captains for this year.”

Soonyoung continues, “Which means one thing: we can be your best friend or your worst nightmare. Both of us have years of experience in dance and we expect you to put in all your effort into every performance. If that’s going to be a problem or if you’re only joining this team for shits and giggles, leave.”

When nobody does, Jun says, “Then let’s get started. 10 laps around the basketball court, now!”

After the team has finished warming up, Soonyoung and Jun have already weeded out who they think will not make the final cut. Though it’s only preliminary and the actual auditions could be surprising, they still want to watch for any red flags, such as lack of effort or hustle.

“Are you tired already?” Soonyoung borderline yells to the boys sitting on the floor. “The best part is just about to begin.”

Jun steps forward. “If you thought half-assing your warm-ups was a good idea, you’re wrong. Soonyoung and I have been observing you all and we can already see who we want on this team. However, you have the chance to prove us wrong right now. Show us you can dance and we’ll see from there. Any questions before we start?”

Several hands go up and Jun choses the kid wearing a red sweatshirt. The kid asks, “How many people are gonna make the cut?”

“I’m sure you all are aware about this dance team’s notoriety for being incredibly selective, and if you don’t, now you do,” Soonyoung informs. “And Junnie and I don’t plan on changing that. It’s the reason why we’ve managed to be so successful.”

“Basically, to answer your question,” Jun summarizes, “we plan on taking at most 3 or 4.”

A collective gasp fills the room. The veterans on the dance team grin, remembering how they felt when they first heard those words.

“That means you can’t bullshit your way through this. There are over 40 of you here, so you’ve got a lot of competition.” Soonyoung reads out a name from his clipboard. “Kim Donghyun, you’re up first.”

About halfway through the auditions, Chan decides to go up to Soonyoung and Jun who are seated behind everyone else, writing down observations on their clipboards. He crouches down so he’s almost eye-level with Soonyoung and leans against his shoulder. He pouts.

“Hyung.”

“Yes, Chan-ah?” Soonyoung asks. He bites his lip and stares at the performance in front of him. _Juyeon is good, but he has no expression when he dances. He’s too stiff. We can always improve on that though, so maybe we should give him a chance._

“I’m bored. And tired.”

“So?” He turns from Juyeon momentarily. “Why are you complaining so much today?”

“I wouldn’t be if someone didn’t insist on going stargazing all night,” Chan points out.

“Don’t be such a baby, Lee Chan.” Soonyoung doesn’t hear a response so he goes back to assessing Juyeon. Once he’s done, everyone else politely claps and Jun turns to Soonyoung.

“What do you think?” Jun inquires.

“He’s good, definitely,” Soonyoung begins and sees Jun nod. “But he’s too technical. His moves are crisp and clean but it doesn’t flow smoothly at all. He overthinks.”

“Exactly what I was thinking,” agrees Jun. “Plus, his face is completely blank. It’s like he’s just going through the motions.”

Chan scoffs, “You guys are so harsh.”

“All a part of being captain, my dear dongsaeng,” Soonyoung says and ruffles Chan’s hair affectionately. “You’ll understand when you’re older.”

“It’s a three year difference!” Chan cries, his indignation drowned out by the sound of Soonyoung calling for the next person to try out.

The rest of the auditions go on like that, with Jun and Soonyoung pausing to discuss with each other as Chan tries to contribute to the conversation. They reach the final new recruit.

“Lee Chan,” Jun declares. “It’s your turn.”

The rest of the dance members, who for this whole time have been content with sitting in the background and watching the performances, go take a seat next to the team captains. When Jun looks at them questioningly, Changhyun answers, “We want to see if Soonyoung’s boyfriend is as good as he says he is.”

“He’s not my boyfriend!” Soonyoung denies. “He’s just a really close friend. I’ve known him since he was a year old.”

“Sounds fake, but whatever you say, hyung,” Changhyun says. “I haven’t even said one word to him and yet I know his birthday, height, and favorite dinosaur simply because you talk about him that much.”

“ ‘You were a dinosaur for Halloween in 2002?’ “ Byeongkwan mocks. “ ‘Chan was too!’ “

“ ‘You went to Japan once for vacation? Chan and I did too! We went to a Tanbata festival and we ate takoyaki together and he called me Hoshi because Hoshi means star!’ “ Yugyeom ridicules. “He doesn’t even know my last name.”

“Park?” Soonyoung offers.

“Nope, Kim,” Yugyeom corrects with a sigh. “It’s okay, hyung. I just hope this kid is as good as you said he is.”

Soonyoung nods emphatically. “He is! He’s been dancing since he was four and both his parents are dancers and even when we were younger he was always in the advanced classes and he puts so much effort into everything and—”

Taeyang rolls his eyes. “He’s doing it again.”

“Try hanging out with him and Chan alone,” Jun says. “Soonyoung pretends like you don’t exist.”

“Shut the fuck up!” Soonyoung whisper-yells. “He’s starting.”

Hyunggu mutters, “Touchy much?”

Soonyoung doesn’t seem to notice Hyunggu’s comment, too interested in the audition about to commence before him. Chan’s always been one hell of a performer, able to draw in a crowd with the simplest of moves. Even now, in the old, poorly-maintained gym, it’s almost like the lights have focused on him as the curtain opens to a roaring crowd. Something by Michael Jackson blasts from the speakers and Soonyoung stares, transfixed.

Chan starts off with a pop-and-lock motion and Soonyoung notes how fluid and smooth yet powerful and strong it is. Each step, each swing of the arm, each and every single movement is done with precision and purpose. Chan is in full control of his body. Even his facial expressions are part of the dance, a way of conveying the confidence in the song.

Chan never half-asses anything when it comes to dance, and that is one of Soonyoung’s favorite things about him. Despite Chan having a natural penchant for dance, something he inherited from his parents, he’s never relied on that. He’s a firm believer in hard work and effort. He takes no shortcuts in his performances, from painstakingly planning each beat and step, to rehearsing for hours long after everyone has left. Chan’s stubborn, determined, and Soonyoung adores every bit of it.

Soonyoung only breaks from his trance when someone, maybe Byeongkwan, aggressively shakes his shoulder. Jun laughs softly to himself and turns to the others, joking, “I told you so.”

Changhyun whistles softly. “Damn.”

“He’s good,” Hyunggu notes. “Really, really good.”

“I think I can understand Soonyoung’s obsession now,” Yugyeom remarks. “And he’s a talented dancer, too.”

Soonyoung glares at him, a pang of something like the feeling he had when Jun had his arms all over Chan earlier that day stirring in his stomach. It dissipates when he sees Chan’s bright smile as he basks in the crowd’s admiration. _He has the prettiest smile._

To people who don’t know Chan well enough, he can come across as cocky, but Soonyoung knows Chan’s insecure about his dancing capability in spite of his talent, in part due to the way the dance hyungs treated him when they were younger. Chan overcompensates by acting overly confident, but Soonyoung is well-aware his pride isn’t unjustified, either. Chan really is that good.

Jun turns to him with a smile. “Do we even need to discuss?”

Soonyoung shakes his head. “No, but we should at least pretend to. We can’t show any favoritism.”

“Too late for that. Chan was practically sitting in your lap for like half of the auditions.”

“No, he wasn’t.”

“Yes, he was, hyung,” Taeyang corrects. “Did you really not notice?”

“Chan was back here for an hour, leaning on you and talking and you kept on smiling and laughing,” Changhyun observes.

Soonyoung huffs, “Doesn’t mean he was sitting on my lap, though.”

“That’s not the point,” sighs Jun. “Whatever. It was our last audition. Let’s go dismiss everyone and then you and I can finalize the lineup, yeah?”

Soonyoung shrugs and makes his way to the front of the gym with Jun. He clears his throat and waits for the conversations to die down. “Nice job, everyone. You definitely impressed us.”

“Soonyoung and I will talk more about what our expectations are and who we felt met or exceeded those expectations,” Jun says. “We will post who made the team tomorrow in front of the gym.”

The captains thank them for coming and say goodbye to everyone. They wait until everyone else has left before they depart as well, wanting to sneak into the locker room. It’s a trick the previous year’s captain, Taeyong, told them in order to gain intel on the personalities of the possible new members. He had said teamwork was just as important to dance as talent was, and if someone was a talented dancer but also an asshole, they weren’t worth letting on the team.

Jun and Soonyoung enter through the back door of the locker room that goes directly to the gym and slide into the small storage unit that doubled as their makeshift office. Jun props the door open just enough to hear any and all conversations going on.

“I think I fucked up,” one voice whines. “I was completely offbeat.”

“Me too,” another agrees. “Did you see me slip? I couldn’t catch up after that!”

“That’s rough, man.” A pause. “Hey, you think I could kiss ass and they’d accept me?”

“I don’t know. Ask him.”

A voice Soonyoung immediately recognizes as Chan’s says, “What?”

“We all saw you trying to suck the captain’s dick. Soonyoung-hyung, was it?”

Soonyoung can picture Chan’s flushed, embarrassed cheeks as he shakes his head. “No, it’s not like that at all.”

“Yeah, I don’t think it counts as kissing ass if you’re already dating them,” the first voice says. “He’s your boyfriend, right?”

Jun holds back a laugh as he stares at Soonyoung, cheeks red and eyes wide with something akin to shock. Soonyoung swallows and waits to hear Chan’s response.

“Why would you think that?” Chan manages to get out.

“I mean, like, he was all over you,” the voice explains. “And when you were dancing, he had this look on his face.”

“A look?”

“Yeah. He looked at you like, I don’t know, like you were the meaning of life or something.”

Soonyoung chokes on his saliva as Jun full-on laughs, head thrown back and hand slapping his knee. Soonyoung feels like the air is knocked out of his lungs as the floor gives way beneath him.

He tries to imagine what Chan looks like in that moment. Is he blushing? Is it out of embarrassment? Anger? Does he feel like he’s a sample being examined underneath a microscope, the same way Soonyoung felt when Jun questioned his intentions with Chan? Does Chan feel the same way Soonyoung does about anything?

( _You weren’t exaggerating when you said literally everyone can see Chan and Soonyoung are in love within the first five minutes of seeing them interact,” Joshua comments._

_“Everyone. I mean it. Every single fucking person who sees Lee Chan and Kwon Soonyoung do so much as breathe around each other knows how goddamn in love they are,” Jihoon says with a groan. “Imagine being surrounded by that almost every day for your entire childhood and having them still question if the other person feels the same way.”_

_“It drove us all insane,” Hansol adds.)_

“I’ve known him my whole life,” Chan states simply. “He’s my neighbor. My hyung. Like a brother to me.”

“I have a brother, and if he looked at me the way Soonyoung-hyung looks at you, I’d call Child Protective Services.”

The other voice, the gentler one, Soonyoung presumes, asks, “So then what are you two?”

“He’s my hyung,” Chan answers, voice wavering.

“Not exactly a direct answer,” the annoying one scoffs, and Soonyoung makes a mental note to make sure to punch that kid in the face when he gets the chance. “Do you want to suck his dick or what?”

A knot forms in Soonyoung’s stomach. Part of him wants to hear Chan’s answer, wants to get the confirmation that Chan is feeling something for him, but the other part would much rather die than know. Finding out Chan does or doesn’t have feelings for him means a change in their relationship, a change Soonyoung isn’t ready for.

“I don’t know if it’s like that,” confesses Chan.

“Then what is it like?”

Jun whispers, “Goddamn. This kid is nosy.”

“I care about him. He cares about me. Whatever else that entails is none of your fucking business.” The sound of the locker being slammed shut rings through the room. “Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I have to go wait for Soonyoung-hyung outside.”

It’s not a denial, per say, but Chan doesn’t confirm anything either. Their relationship is still stuck in a self-imposed limbo. Soonyoung feels almost disappointed at not learning how Chan feels, but another part of him is relieved to know nothing has to change yet.

Jun stares at Soonyoung with an unreadable face, some sort of blend of pity and annoyance and confusion that makes his handsome face just a little bit ugly. Aside from Jihoon, Jun is the most vocal proponent for getting Soonyoung and Chan to admit whatever it is they feel for each other. Jun acts like he understands Soonyoung’s feelings better than Soonyoung himself does, and later in life Soonyoung will admit Jun probably did, but right now it just pisses him off.

Soonyoung is only sated by his assumption that Jun is so invested in their relationship because, for all of his attractiveness, charm, and seemingly plentiful array of lovers at his disposal, his flings never last more than a week. He thinks Jun tries to vicariously live through Soonyoung and Chan’s own happiness, something Soonyoung will learn is the truth when they’re in college and Jun finds someone who describes as his heart and soul.

( _S_ _oonyoung is busy typing an essay for his history class when Jun bursts into his room without knocking. Normally, he wouldn’t mind; years of growing up in a cul-de-sac with friends who had no boundaries made Soonyoung comfortable with a lack of privacy. Tonight, however, he’s sleep deprived and just wants to get this damn paper over with._

_Soonyoung’s about to tell Jun to leave when he forcibly spins Soonyoung around in his chair, groaning, “I need help.”_

_“Junnie, I love you and I would help you at any other time that isn’t the present. I need to get this essay done before my history professor fails me and—”_

_“I’m only gonna be here a couple minutes. Stop bitching.”_

_Soonyoung rolls his eyes. He closes his laptop. “Alright, what’s up?”_

_“I told you, I need help.”_

_“Is this about rent again?” Soonyoung wonders. “Because Jihoon and I already found another roommate for the next quarter. His name is Jung Wonwoo or something like that. Jihoon met him in his philosophy class. He’s coming over for dinner next week and then hopefully he’ll sign the agreement and we’ll split the rent four ways instead of three. It was getting kinda lonely in here with an empty room after Junhong moved out anyways.”_

_“It’s not that. It’s Minghao.”_

_Soonyoung’s brows scrunch in confusion at the mention of their fellow dance team member. “Aren’t you two like best friends? Like, he’s the first person you said was attractive that  I’ve seen you talk to that you haven’t tried to fuck within a week.”_

_Jun scratches his head. “Believe me, I want to fuck him.”_

_“Okay, I didn’t want or need to hear that.”_

_“But I want to hold his hands and kiss him and all that sappy shit too. He’s like, my sun and stars and heart and soul.”_

_“I understand you’re suffering, but why are you asking me?”_

_“You’re the only single person other than me or Mingyu, and Mingyu is busy,” Jun answers. “On second thought, though, I probably shouldn't ask you. You still haven’t made a move on Chan.”_

_“He’s like 5 hours away, what do you expect me to do?!”_

_But before Soonyoung can get his answer, Jun is already out the door.)_

“Let’s get out of here,” Soonyoung snarls, taking spiteful glee in the hurt on Jun’s face.

Chan’s waiting for them outside the locker room, sweaty and in gym clothes but still beautiful nonetheless. He’s pouting, Soonyoung notices, and it’s not the cute pout he puts on when he wants Soonyoung to do something. It’s closer to a full-on frown, one of Soonyoung’s least favorite facial expressions on Chan. It makes his face look hard and unapproachable, nothing at all like the shy and introverted ball of sunshine he’s so familiar with.

He’s about to ask what’s wrong when Jun beats him to it. “Chan-ah? What happened?”

“Nothing, hyung, I’m just tired. Can we go home now, Soonyoung-hyung, please?” Chan lies.

Soonyoung shares a look with Jun and nods. _Did the guys in the locker room really bother him that much? Why would they?_

On one hand, Soonyoung is certain if he were asked those exact same questions, he would have turned into a puddle on the floor from embarrassment. Hell, he isn’t even sure he would know how to answer the questions, not in the same way Chan was able to dodge them somewhat effectively. It would make Soonyoung have to self-reflect and he’s not sure he wants to see what’s inside.

And yet, the questions weren’t malicious, either. Sure, the boys were being far too nosy for their own good, but Chan didn’t know Soonyoung was even listening in. He didn’t expect Chan to spill his guts over to strangers, but Soonyoung at least hoped Chan would acknowledge that there were, in fact, feelings there.

“Okay. Jun, call me tonight so we can figure everything out.”

Jun nods and waves the two of them goodbye. Soonyoung and Chan walk to what was once Jaewook’s car. It’s old and not very pretty, but it runs and that’s enough for Soonyoung.

The drive home is tense. Soonyoung and Chan aren’t mad at each other, as far as Soonyoung knows, but Soonyoung can tell something is eating Chan up inside. Even if he wasn’t there to witness the locker room interrogation, he would sense something is amiss by Chan’s silence, even when his favorite Big Bang song comes up on the radio.

One of the most frustrating things about Chan Soonyoung has come to know in the last decade is Chan’s inability to open up. In spite of Chan being a fairly emotional kid when they were younger, over the years Chan has grown more withdrawn. He’s not shy, per say, just introverted. He’ll scream and shout when he’s with their friend group, and then out of it he’ll keep to himself. Regardless of his reservedness, however, Soonyoung knows Chan well enough to understand all his emotions just by a single glance.

But even though Soonyoung can read Chan like an open book typed in size 96 point font, and vice versa, it came through years of prodding and peeling back all the layers. Even now, Soonyoung has to fish it out of him because Chan would much rather swallow glass and suffer in silence than let anyone know he wasn’t okay. It makes his gut swell with guilt at knowing how he’s almost failed his dongsaeng, how he isn’t a good enough hyung for Chan to confide in.

Soonyoung decides he won’t let Chan suffer alone, so he makes a sharp right turn and ignores the angry honks behind him. It’s dark outside, just enough for the stars to be visible, and Soonyoung thinks to himself, _Perfect._

“Where are we going, hyung?” Chan asks.

“You’ll see.”

A couple more turns and Soonyoung is already on the familiar path to one of his and Chan’s favorite spots to hang out. It’s a small hill that overlooks their suburban city, out of the way and secluded to ensure the best privacy. The light pollution isn’t as potent there, making it ideal for stargazing. He and Chan had stumbled upon it completely by chance, on the night after Soonyoung got his driver’s license and insisted they explore to celebrate.

Soonyoung and Chan exit the car in silence. The summit of the hill isn’t accessible by car, but the minor climb is worth the view. Soonyoung feels as though he’s on the top of the world when he sits there and stares at the place below, and he feels like he’s the king of the world when he’s with Chan.

There’s an old blanket that one of them left there some nights ago. It’s a wonder to Soonyoung how it hasn’t blown away in the breeze or been ruined by some animals, but he chooses not to dwell on it and quietly believes some external force, like fate, is keeping the hill sacred for them, untouched by even the lightest gust of wind.

Soonyoung sits down first. Chan follows right after, as like most things in their life. They sit in silence and look at the vast sky in front of them, always changing yet always constant as well. Soonyoung’s not certain where his passion for the galaxy originated from, but he’s always had a penchant for pretty things, Chan included, so it makes sense for him to love something as enticing as the stars.

To an outsider, the area isn’t much, just a dirty, uneven road with a worn-out blanket on it, trash littered here and there, but it’s Soonyoung and Chan’s little home away from home, their safe haven. It’s somewhere the both of them can always return to and escape the world. Even though they’ll never truly be alone here, since the other will always be there as well, they’re alone together, and that’s what matters most.

Soonyoung breaks the silence. “Do you want to tell me what’s got you so upset?”

“It’s nothing, hyung.” Chan’s response is immediate, far too immediate for it to be convincing.

“You can tell me anything,” Soonyoung says. “I’ll never tell a single soul. I promise.”

Chan smiles but there is no warmth in his eyes. “I know. Thank you for that, hyung. It’s just…”

“Just what?”

“Everyone was so talented today.” Chan pauses and sighs. “And, I don’t know, I thought I was going to be the best, but then I saw the performances and I’m not as good as I thought. Like did you see Changmin? When he danced to ‘No More Dream’?”

Soonyoung hates it when Chan gets like this. It crushes him to see someone so wonderful, so amazing, so loving and beautiful and talented and kind and everything that makes the perfect human being, doubt himself. It hurts him even more to know at least part of this stems from the way the dance hyungs would ridicule him when they were kids, never acknowledging his skill and instead always finding something to harshly criticize him for.

“You’re incredible, Channie,” Soonyoung simply states. It should be obvious, because to Soonyoung, it is. He wishes Chan could see that.

“You’re just saying that because you’re my hyung.”

Soonyoung grabs Chan’s hands and turns him to face him. “I’m not. You’re the best dancer I’ve ever seen. Everyone was in awe when they saw you. Even the guys on the team were talking about how you live up to the hype. In fact, you even exceeded their expectations.”

“What hype? This is the first time I’ve met any of them except Junnie-hyung.”

The affectionate _Junnie-hyung_ makes Soonyoung’s left eye twitch. “I mean, according to them I never shut up about you, so they probably visualized you as the best dancer in Seoul or something.”

“You talk about me, hyung?” Chan asks with a small smile, cheeks flushed a pretty pink.

Soonyoung swallows and fans himself with one hand, even though the night air is cold. He might have just fucked up, he thinks, because even though it’s not really a secret that Soonyoung is proud of everything Chan does, admitting he likes to talk to other people about it is just like confessing how much Soonyoung adores Chan, and he’s not quite ready for that yet. He nods.

“What about?”

Soonyoung glances off to the side. Chan’s gaze is far too curious and bright for him to come up with a believable lie. “Nothing. They just know who you are. You’re one of my closest friends, after all. They know all about Jihoon and Hansol and Mingyu and Seokmin and Jeonghan-hyung, too.”

“Oh, really?” Chan breathes, the sparkle in his eyes fading.

Soonyoung frowns. He wonders why that spark faded so suddenly. Maybe Chan thinks he complained to the dance team about him?

“It was only good things, Chan, I swear on my life,” reassures Soonyoung. “I never ever said anything bad about you.”

The sparkle doesn’t return and something akin to sadness clouds Chan’s normally-vibrant eyes. He smiles, but it’s not happy at all. “That’s not what I meant, hyung, but it’s good to know.”

“I’m serious, Lee Chan,” Soonyoung affirms. “You are the best dancer I’ve ever seen, period. You kicked ass out there and I’m 100% certain everyone else can tell how talented you are.”

Chan nods and says, “Okay, I get it.”

“No, you don’t, so don’t lie to your hyung,” Soonyoung scolds. “You’re in complete control of your body. Every step is perfectly in sync with the beat right down to the millisecond. Each kick, spin, whatever the fuck, is done so artfully that anyone with eyes can tell you’re telling a story with your body. You’re fucking incredible, Chan. Even if you don’t see it, I do, so please, don’t doubt yourself.”

Chan doesn’t respond right away, but Soonyoung is okay with that, because Chan smiles one of his bright, too-beautiful-to-be-real smiles and and his cheeks are a pretty pink and his eyes are shining and Soonyoung thinks, _Good, you should always look like that._

“Thank you, hyung. It means a lot,” Chan replies. “I think you’re amazing too, for what it’s worth.”

“Really?” For over a decade, Chan has been behind Soonyoung, always following with no complaint, so Soonyoung shouldn’t be so surprised at his statement. At the same time, however, Soonyoung still questions why Chan has been so loyal over the years when, for a good portion of their childhood, Soonyoung treated Chan like a pest. He’d taken the younger for granted, but he thinks he’s almost made up for it with how much he cherishes Chan now. Now, Chan is the incredible one, the perfect one, the unbelievable one, and Soonyoung is a mere fan admiring his favorite idol.

Chan nods. “Of course. I always have.”

 _And always will_ is on the tip of Chan’s tongue. He wants to say it, he really does, but he doesn’t know if his Soonyoung-hyung will appreciate it. He could barely handle Chan’s small attempt to fish out whatever Soonyoung feels about him; his hyung might spontaneously combust if Chan did, so he just smiles.

Soonyoung flushes. He thinks Chan might say more, but he doesn’t, so Soonyoung thanks the heavens above because he most likely would have exploded if Chan continued to praise him. He’s always wanted to be the hyung Chan idolizes, the one he looks up to. Soonyoung knows he isn’t perfect, not yet, so it’s comforting to know Chan still admires him, flaws and all.

"Thank you."

They stay there for a few more minutes, pointing out constellations and chatting the same way they have done for their whole lives. It's a routine without all the boringness that comes with consistency. Soonyoung hopes that this, their closeness, their bond, will always stay.

The drive home is in silence, but this time it's comfortable. Chan's shoulders are relaxed, his face no longer contorted into a pout and Soonyoung smiles because he's done his job. When they get home, he bids Chan goodbye, fights the urge to kiss him before he exits, and walks into his house.

"Mom! Dad! I'm home!" Soonyoung calls, voice echoing through the halls.

"Welcome back," Jaewook greets from the couch. He lowers the volume on the television. "How was the first day of your last year of high school?"

Soonyoung shrugs. "It was fine. It's been the same for the last three years. I didn't expect much."

"How was Chan?" Yerin asks as she walks into the living room. "Jinhee told me you two left late because Chan spent all morning fixing his hair."

Soonyoung laughs and smiles fondly, oblivious to Yerin's knowing look. "He did. He took forever but then Jeonghannie-hyung said it looked like a duck's ass—I mean, a duck's butt."

"Jeonghan is doing okay too, then?" Jaewook takes a sip of his tea. "Minjun and Sanghoon have been worried sick. He's hours away, after all."

"I think so. His roommates are nice and everything and he seems to like it there."

"Jisoo and Seungcheol, was it?" Yerin brings in some food from the kitchen. "His boyfriends. When Minjun told me Jeonghan managed to get two boyfriends within his first month away, I couldn't believe it."

"To be fair, they were his roommates first," points out Jaewook. "It's good he's enjoying himself. It gives me hope for you, Soonyoung."

"What?"

"You're going to be leaving us soon," Yerin laments. "You and Jihoon. And then soon, Mingyu and Hansol will follow. This cul-de-sac's going to change in a few years."

"I still have time," Soonyoung says and then stuffs his mouth with rice.

"Not really," Jaewook replies. "You have to start preparing your applications now, remember? And you have to decide what you want to major in."

Yerin laughs. "When you were a kid, you used to always say you wanted to be the first paleontologist-astronaut-dancer. I never thought you'd actively want those things when you grew up, but here you are, still watching The Land Before Time and being dance team captain and going stargazing with Chan."

"Basically doing everything with Chan," Jaewook mutters just enough for his wife to hear. "We'll support you no matter what you do, Soonyoung. All we ask is that you start thinking about the future."

The future. Soonyoung has thought about it before, but it felt far away, so he never worried about it. Now, however, he's facing the reality that soon, he'll have to be independent. His world will extend far past the small bubble of the cul-de-sac, whether he wants it to or not.

Yerin's soft voice rattles Soonyoung from his thoughts. "Is something wrong?"

Soonyoung shakes his head and smiles unconvincingly. "Yeah, Mom, I'm okay. My stomach just hurts. Seungkwan's mom made him some crab for lunch and we all shared. I might've just eaten too much. Excuse me."

Jaewook and Yerin stare at their son as he retreats to his room. They let out a collective breath and make a mental note to check up on him later.

Soonyoung is about to lay on his bed, stare at the ceiling, and mope when a ringing sounds from his pocket. "Hello?"

"Where the fuck are you?" Jihoon’s voice yells at the other end of the line.

“Uh, home?”

“What the fuck? Why the hell are you at home?”

“I live here? Now, calm down. What’s crawled up your ass and died?”

“Nothing but my foot’s about to go up yours if you don’t get to the fucking library in 10 minutes.”

“Why?”

“Why?” Jihoon repeats. “What do you mean ‘why’? Did you forget we promised Seokminnie we’d help him study for Bumseok’s test?”

Soonyoung flashes back to lunch that day. They were going over each other’s schedules, and poor Seokmin had gotten the notorious Park Bumseok as his chemistry teacher. Soonyoung and Jihoon were in his class the year prior, and both theorized he hated his job and hadn’t quit solely because he got a sick sense of glee from tormenting his students. One of his favorite forms of torture was a pop quiz the first week of school about content only people with a doctorate in chemistry would know.

Seokmin had panicked, reminding them his parents were upset with his grades last year and he needed to improve them or quit choir, and would not stop worrying. Jihoon, being the stupid little lovestruck fool he is, offered to tutor his favorite dongsaeng, as he had scraped by with a solid A when he took the class. Seokmin had flushed and smiled, asking a shy, “Just you and I, hyung?”

Jihoon, of course, recoiled. He could barely sputter out a response and muttered, “I mean, Soonyoung did pretty well in that class too. He could join us. As a favor, you know.” And Soonyoung, despite barely getting by with a B, which was only earned through copying Jihoon’s homework and some prayer, agreed, like the good best friend he is.

Or maybe average best friend should be the right term for it. Even just average friend, seeing how he completely forgot about said favor.

Soonyoung doubts he would have gone even if he did remember. Jihoon’s one of the smartest in their friend group, if not the smartest, and excels in most things, like singing, composing, writing, etc. Yet, for all his genius, he is completely lacking in the emotional intelligence department and can’t get his head out of his ass long enough to tell Seokmin about his huge crush on him.

Soonyoung tells Jihoon this, who snarls, “Shut the fuck up. You’re such a dick.”

“Do you want me to come or not, asshole?” Soonyoung grabs his keys, then hesitates. “On second thought, I’m gonna stay home.”

“Why?”

“Because maybe, if I leave you two alone, you’ll finally grow a pair and ask Seokmin out. Or he’ll get tired of your shit and kiss you.”

He can tell Jihoon’s blushing without even seeing him. “I don’t want to hear it from your hypocritical ass.”

“Hypocritical?”

“Yeah. Don’t act stupid, Kwon Soonyoung. We all know Chan’s been in love with you since we were kids and you haven’t done a goddamn thing about it.”

“Channie’s not in love with me. He just admires me.”

“Is that what they’re calling it now? Admiring? Back in my day, we called it ‘wanting to suck your dick.’ But I guess I’m just old.”

“What the fuck is up with everyone and sucking dick today?” Soonyoung murmurs to himself and ignores Jihoon’s cry of “What the hell?” in favor of changing the subject. “What are you doing right now, anyways? Aren’t you with Seokmin?”

“I offered to buy us some coffee for the night, since we’re going to stay up.”

“Then do that. Stay up all night and cuddle. I don’t need or even want to be there to witness it.”

“We won’t cuddle!” Jihoon yells into the phone, most likely disturbing everyone around him at the coffee shop.

Soonyoung sighs. He pinches the bridge of his nose. “I don’t get you at all. You like Seokmin. Seokmin likes you. Why don’t you just do something about it? What’s the point of dancing around each other?”

“God, we’re going back to this again?” Jihoon complains. “Like you’re one to talk. As I’ve said, several times throughout our life, Chan is in love with you and has been since he was in diapers. You, contrary to what you say, are equally in love with him, but for some reason, are fully incapable of admitting this to yourself.”

“This isn’t about me right now,” Soonyoung defends. “I’m not the one who’s on a potential date.”

“What do you call all the shit you and Chan do, then? Stargazing? Watching movies all night? Dance practice alone?” Jihoon barks back. “Because all those sound like dates to me.”

Soonyoung bites his lip and throws a pillow at the wall. “Fine. Whatever. I don’t want to talk about it. Can we just get back to you and Seokmin?”

He hears Jihoon take in a shaky breath. “Sure.”

“What are you so afraid of? You and Seokmin are close. What’s there to lose?”

“What isn’t? What if we break up? What if he decides he likes someone else? What if he doesn’t even like me back?” Jihoon pauses. “If that happens, then I lose everything.”

Jihoon and Soonyoung are opposites in every sense of the term. Soonyoung is the life of the party, always bouncing around and chatting with everyone, while Jihoon sulks in the corner and whines about how he wants to go home. Jihoon is methodical, knows how to keep himself sane when the world collapses around him; Soonyoung is impulsive and wears his heart on his sleeve.

Soonyoung’s like the tide, adapting to the moon and ever changing and Jihoon is the beach the waves crash on, always remaining even when the waves are dragging them in. Soonyoung’s relatively tall for his age, while Jihoon just hopes to hit a growth spurt some time in the near future. Even their taste in men, from Jihoon’s love for the sparkling, extroverted Seokmin, to Soonyoung’s undying feelings for Chan, who can only be talkative around those closest to him and likes to stay in the background in all things not related to dance, are different,

Soonyoung knows in any other world, he and Jihoon would never be best friends. It’s not because he hates his longtime neighbor, no; he’s just aware he and Jihoon are far too unalike to so much as interact with each other and have only managed to have the friendship they have now because of how they were practically raised together. Most of the time, though, their dynamic works. Jihoon is the one who reels Soonyoung back in when he’s being too much just as Soonyoung is trying to ease Jihoon from his shell. They’re perfect contrasts on two sides of the same coin, so in a way, it makes sense that they’d both be unbelievably stupid about matters related to love.

“I get it,” Soonyoung says as he recalls his conversation with Chan in the morning. “But what if he doesn’t? Isn’t it worth the risk?”

“I’d rather have Seokmin stay in my life as a friend permanently than qs a lover temporarily,” Jihoon states.

Soonyoung swallows and stares at the photo on his bedside table. It’s one of him and Chan at Soonyoung’s fifth birthday party. Two of Soonyoung’s teeth are missing and Chan has cake all over his face, but it’s a good photo regardless. Soonyoung has other pictures all over his room of himself, his family and friends, but that photo gets special treatment because of the love behind it. Every time Soonyoung looks at it, warmth floods his body in waves of nostalgia and memories of Chan. He never wants to lose that feeling.

“Me too,” confesses Soonyoung. It’s the closest he’s ever come to admitting he has feelings for Chan instead of claiming _“Channie is just my favorite dongsaeng!”_ or some variant.

“So what do we do?” Jihoon asks. “I want more. I want to hold his hand and kiss him and go on dates and cuddle and wake up with him by my side and run my hands through his hair and all that lovey-dovey bullshit. But I don’t know what I’d do if I got a taste of heaven and suddenly had it ripped away from me.”

Jihoon’s gruff exterior is gone. It’s always a bit jarring to hear Jihoon when he’s like this, vulnerable and soft, but Kwon Soonyoung cannot call himself Lee Jihoon’s best friend if he just let Jihoon sulk like this. Even though they’re the same age, to Soonyoung, right now, Jihoon is a kid who’s afraid of what’s to come and upset because his perfectionist tendencies make him want to control the most uncontrollable of emotions: love.

“I don’t think it will happen.” Soonyoung can’t be certain because he’s not God and he can’t see the future, but he can see the way the flowers bloom in Jihoon’s eyes when he looks at Seokmin and the way the same flowers flourish in Seokmin’s own when Jihoon is around. “I know it’s not the most reassuring thing, but Seokminnie really does have strong feelings for you, too. He’s not going to just throw it away when life gets hard.”

“But people change,” Jihoon points out. “And fuck, we’re going to college soon. Who’s to say he won’t find someone else when I’m gone?”

The mention of college makes Soonyoung’s stomach do a backflip. The mystery of what’s to come, the uncertainty, the knowledge that what he knows may very well one day become what he knew and that life will change whether he wants it to or not, scares him to no end. Everything that, up until now, has been a constant in his life, like his house and his friends and Chan, is up for grabs in the time to come. And there’s nothing Soonyoung can do about it.

Logically, Jihoon has a point. People change. It’s a fact of life. Soonyoung wants to be a good friend, so he tries to reassure Jihoon as best he can, even if he himself can’t believe it. “Do you think you’ll find someone when Seokmin isn’t around?”

Jihoon answers immediately. “No. There’s nobody I can even imagine who could ever mean as much to me as Seokminnie does.”

“Then you just have to trust Seokmin enough to believe he feels the same way.”

The cogs in Jihoon’s head a turning, Soonyoung knows, as the younger tries to process what his best friend just said. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I don’t know if I’ll try anything yet, but I’m going to go with the flow,” Jihoon states. “It’ll be some time before I’m brave enough to make a move, but there’s no harm in at least being more obvious to Seokmin that I’m interested, right?”

 _The only way you can be more obvious is if you presented your naked body to him and screamed “Take me!”_ is what Soonyoung thinks, but he replies, “Fucking finally.”

“And when are you going to do the same, asshole?” Jihoon quips, voice back to it’s normal roughness. “Chan’s waited long enough, don’t you think?”

“Isn’t Seokmin still waiting for you?” Soonyoung asks abruptly. “You should get going.”

“Fine. Be like that. Just be careful; the looser you keep your grip on Chan, the more likely he’ll float away.”

They say their goodbyes. Soonyoung hangs up the phone, then throws another pillow at the wall in frustration. Sometimes, he hates having Jihoon as a best friend.

( _Soonyoung plants one last kiss on Chan’s forehead before tucks Chan in, smiling fondly at his sleeping face. He presses his lips to the ring on his now-fiance’s finger. Soonyoung grabs his phone from the pocket of his discarded pants on the floor and slips on his boxers._

_“Jihoon? He said yes!” Soonyoung screams as softly as he can without waking Chan._

_“You left to ask him like four hours ago. What took you so long to call me?” Jihoon asks. “Actually, nevermind. I can hear how hoarse your voice is right now. Chan is probably even worse.”_

_“I just got engaged and that’s what you’re paying attention to?”_

_“You proposed to Chan when we were like five and he said yes. It didn’t surprise me then and it doesn’t surprise me now. You worried for nothing.”_

_“Maybe you’re right,” Soonyoung muses. “Anyways, I didn’t call you just to tell you about the good news. Can I ask you a question?”_

_“You just did.”_

_Soonyoung groans. “Fuck off. You know what I mean.”_

_“Did your proposal start off like this too? Because if so, then I really would be surprised Chan said yes.” Jihoon smirks on the other end._

_“Jihoon-ah, I’m being serious.”_

_“Okay, okay,” Jihoon concedes. “Shoot.”_

_“You’re my best friend, Jihoonie, basically since birth. There’s nobody I could visualize asking this to.”_

_“Are you going to propose? Sorry, I’m kind of with someone right now and I think you are too.”_

_“Jihoon.”_

_“I’m sorry. Continue.”_

_“Lee Jihoon, will you be my best man?”)_

The next morning, when he and Chan meet up with their friends at their usual spot, there’s a suspicious silence. Normally, their friends are loud, constantly screaming and arguing and laughing. Right now, however, it’s like time is frozen in place. Mingyu hasn’t even greeted them yet, instead just reading something on his phone. Jun’s practicing choreography off to the side, in his own world. Hansol’s bobbing his head to the music while Seungkwan rests his head on his shoulder. Jihoon is staring off in the distance, not even bothering to blink. Even the boisterous Seokmin is quiet, face impassive and with bags under his eyes.

“What happened?” Chan whispers to Soonyoung. “Did someone die?”

Soonyoung shakes his head. “Not that I know of. Jihoon was fine on the phone last night.”

Mingyu finally notes their appearance. He stands up and quickly ushers them away from the group to the hallway. “What the hell happened last night?”

“I was just about to ask you the same thing,” Soonyoung answers. “Why is everyone so...so awkward?”

“I don’t know,” Mingyu mutters. “I picked up Jihoon-hyung this morning and he didn’t bother to say hi to me. When we got to Seokmin’s he was the same way. He didn’t even look at Jihoon-hyung.”

Jun, Seungkwan, and Hansol walk over to them, all wearing equally concerned and confused looks on their face.

Seungkwan speaks first. “What happened?”

“That’s what we’re trying to figure out,” Soonyoung replies. “Continue, Mingyu.”

Mingyu nods. “So we’re in the car and the only thing I can hear is my own breathing. Jihoon-hyung hasn’t moved even once and Seokmin looks like he got hit by a bus. His hair is all fucked up and his eyes are almost bloodshot. I thought maybe Jihoon-hyung was just in a mood and Seokmin stayed up all night studying for that Bumseok test, right? But even when Seokmin’s tired and stressed he still manages to smile at least once.”

Soonyoung’s eyes flash in remembrance. “Oh, yeah! Jihoon and Seokmin were studying together last night.”

“Like a date?” Jun asks.

“Sort of. Jihoon didn’t call it that, but it pretty much was.” Soonyoung thinks. _Jihoon didn’t call me afterward, so I thought things went well._

“Maybe the date went wrong?” Chan offers.

“But Jihoon-hyung and Seokminnie-hyung have hung out alone together before,” Seungkwan points out. “What could go wrong?”

“Maybe Seokmin finally got tired of Jihoon-hyung’s bullshit,” Mingyu says.

“Come on, Mingyu, don’t be like that—” Jun reprimands.

“I’m serious, hyung,” Mingyu interrupts. “I’m done with it. I keep on watching Seokmin smile and cuddle and do everything with Jihoon-hyung while Jihoon-hyung does fuck all in return. It’s not fair.”

Soonyoung winces. “Jihoon doesn’t mean to do it. He’s just...Jihoon.”

“Yeah, I know,” Mingyu snaps. “Still make it okay for him to just drag Seokmin along with a thread and get so upset when Seokmin can’t take it anymore.”

“We don’t even know if that’s what happened, hyung,” Hansol points out.

Mingyu shrugs. “Does’t matter. If Seokmin decides he’s over Jihoon-hyung, then Jihoon-hyung has no right to be a bitch about it.”

“Mingyu-yah—” Soonyoung starts, but is cut off.

“So he should take the chance, hyung? Is that what you’re saying?” Chan’s voice asks, soft and contemplative.

Mingyu glances at Chan, confused, but nods. “I mean, yes? Jihoon-hyung shouldn’t be so selfish and keep on letting whatever insecurities he has get in the way of letting Seokmin know how he feels. If Seokmin is willing to put himself out on a wire, then Jihoon-hyung should do the same.”

“I see.” Chan pauses. “Thank you for that, hyung.”

Soonyoung wonders what the hell Chan is talking about but he before he can ask, the bell rings. He makes a mental note to ask about it later and walks to Jihoon so they can go to their first period calculus class.

When he gets back to the spot, Jihoon and Seokmin haven’t moved an inch since their friends left, both stuck in their trance. He has to shake Jihoon’s shoulder a couple times before the younger even registers he’s there.

“When did you get here, Soonyoung?” Jihoon asks, but his voice is soft, almost broken.

Seokmin, at the same time, realizes he probably should get going. He grabs his backpack and brushes past Soonyoung with a mumbled, “See you later, hyung.”

Jihoon watches Seokmin’s retreating back mournfully. He stares at the floor, frowning.

“You wanna tell me what happened?” Soonyoung prompts.

Jihoon bites his lip. “I fucked up.”

“How? Why?”

“I just did.”

“You told me last night you were going to stop holding back. You said you were going to go with the flow. So what happened? Did Seokmin reject you?”

Jihoon laughs bitterly, though there is absolutely nothing humorous in Soonyoung’s statement. “I wish he did. It would be easier that way.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Soonyoung questions, but Jihoon does not reply.

Soonyoung’s question remains unanswered, even during dance practice. Last night, after Jihoon’s phone call, he and Jun spent a couple hours discussing who had made the team, finally settling on Kim Donghyun, Jeong Yunho, and Chan. Jun posted the results during lunch and now they were commencing their first of many rehearsals.

It starts with Jun reminding them that next week, their dance practices will be held at Chan’s parents dance studio, and that if any of the younger members needed a ride, any of the 12th and 11th graders would be happy to do so. He tells them to run a couple warm up laps around the basketball court and then walks to Soonyoung, face serious.

“I know what happened,” Jun says. “Well, kind of.”

“Kind of?”

“If you were here with us at lunch instead of going off campus with Chan to get some McDonald’s, you’d probably know, too,” Jun comments. “But whatever. Mingyu was asking Seokmin what happened but he only got the gist of it, so what he told me is pretty vague. From what I know, though, I guess they had a fight last night. A pretty big one, too. Enough that Seokmin was crying about it.”

Soonyoung hums. It would explain how withdrawn Jihoon was. “Do you know what it was about?”

“No.” Jun shakes his head. “Mingyu couldn’t get that out of him. Seungkwan tried, too, but I think Seokmin just wanted to be left alone, so he went to the library.”

Soonyoung whistles lowly. “Shit, dude.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m worried about the both of them,” Jun agrees. “Mingyu seemed really upset about it, too.”

“He kept on ranting about how Jihoon needed to get his shit together,” Soonyoung says, rolling his eyes. “I don’t get why he thinks it’s any of his business.”

Jun eyes Soonyoung warily. “Maybe it isn’t, but he has a point.”

“Huh?”

“I’m just saying, Jihoon can’t keep on messing with Seokmin’s feelings like that, even if he doesn’t mean it. It’s only hurting Seokmin in the long run.”

“It’s not like that at all. You just don’t get it.”

Jun rolls his eyes. “Of course you would say that. You and Jihoon are the same.”

Soonyoung tells Jun to fuck off and pretends the comment doesn’t hurt him, but it does. He wonders if he’s leading Chan on like everyone apparently seems to believe. He doesn’t intend for it to be that way, really; it’s just that he’s afraid of losing Chan and it’s safer for him to keep Chan away than have him close, only to break off in the end.

Another part of Soonyoung is aware that he’s more afraid of the intensity of his feelings. It’s scary, how reliant he is on Chan for happiness and joy. He doesn’t feel this strongly about anything in his life, even dance or astronomy or dinosaurs, just Chan. The feelings have intensified over the years to the point where Soonyoung isn’t sure where he ends and Chan begins. Chan is like is like the lighthouse guiding Soonyoung, but no matter how hard Soonyoung tries, he can’t avoid crashing to the shore.

But even if he were to crash in the shore, then Chan would be the mermaid (merman?) that pulls him from the waters, the one who saves him. He can’t imagine Chan hurting him in any way, intentionally or not, but it’s even scarier to know that if Chan did hurt him, Soonyoung would take it, every dark thought and more, if it meant keeping Chan at his side. What does it say about Soonyoung if he would let Chan ruin him like that?

( _“That’s...kind of creepy, hyung,” Mingyu comments._

_Seungkwan agrees, “Yeah. I love my Hansollie to death, and I’d do anything for him, but what you’re saying is just borderline obsessive.”_

_“Don’t take him too seriously,” Chan says. “Soonie was a hormonal teenager who couldn’t articulate a sentence, let alone his feelings. He was being melodramatic.”)_

Jun notes the turmoil evident on Soonyoung’s face. He exhales. “I have the best intentions, Soonyoung, I swear. I’m not trying to sabotage you or anything or compete in whatever fight you think we might have for Chan’s love—”

 _I didn’t, asshole, until you said that,_ Soonyoung thinks.

“—so just hear me out, please?” Jun waits for Soonyoung’s nod. “I know college is hard and I’m lost as hell too and everything, but I’ve prepared for it extensively, so I’m somewhat ready for the shitstorm. I already know I’m staying here instead of going back to China, and even though I don’t have a legit reason yet, I’ve thought about it for so long that I just know Korea is where I need to be. Jihoon’s already selected what he wants to study too, and do you remember how many nights Jeonghan-hyung stayed up researching majors and everything?”

“Yeah, but what does that have to do with me?”

“You have to get your shit together,” Jun states. You don’t even know what you want to study yet. Applications are due in two months. I’m worried about you, Soonyoung, because it’s like you don’t want to leave here. I know you have a good life with parents and friends who love you to death, and we really do, but you can’t just stay in the cul-de-sac forever. Eventually everyone and everything is going to phase out, Chan included.”

Soonyoung’s never been a fan of change. He’s lived in the same house in the same room for his entire life. His friends are the exact ones he’s had since he was a kid. His interests are limited to dance, astronomy, and dinosaurs. He likes it that way. It’s reliable, something Soonyoung can always count on even when the world around him is adjusting itself every second of every day.

“I don’t like change,” he admits.

“Why?” questions Jun. “It’s not a bad thing.”

It’s so easy for Jun to say, Soonyoung thinks. He can’t be like Jun, can’t leave his home to study in another country ( _what would he do if Yerin weren’t there to greet him every day he got out of school?_ ), can’t have an infinite supply of friends ( _Soonyoung’s kind of weird and only his own equally weird friends can handle him_ ), can’t date and fuck people at random ( _he has Chan_ ). Jun is a good guy, through and through, but he can’t possibly understand Soonyoung’s feelings, especially since Soonyoung himself can’t figure shit out.

“Because then things are different,” Soonyoung mumbles and he feels like a child who doesn’t know why he’s sad, only that he feels sad and is about to throw a tantrum because of it.

“That’s the point, you know.”

How can he explain to Jun that he can’t fathom the idea of things changing? Change brings on uncertainty and things can never go back to how they were at the beginning. What if he goes to college and realizes he doesn’t like what he’s studying? What if his friends find people they like more than him? What if his parents decide to move away and not tell Soonyoung about it? What if Chan forgets all about him?

Soonyoung knows, internally, that it’s highly unlikely any of those things will happen. He’s loved dancing and all his other hobbies since he was a kid, and by choosing it as his major, he’d be fulfilling his childhood dreams. His friends have known him for years, and they’ve stayed by his side through the good and the bad, so some distance between them won’t matter, as evident by the fact that they still call Jeonghan almost every day since he left for college. His parents are caring people, so they’d never abandon him for no reason. But then there’s Chan.

_“And I think that’s the moment I realized Chan and Soonyoung would be together forever,”  Jaewook finishes, winking at the newly wed couple. The crowd of people laugh and applaud after Jaewook’s speech. Jaewook takes a dramatic bow and goes back to his seat while the reception continues on._

_Soonyoung glances at the room filled with his family and friends, then stares at the table of people surrounding him with a smile on his face._

_Seungkwan is wiping off the frosting from the wedding cake off Hansol’s chin, as doting on the younger as he was when they were kids. Seokmin is endlessly talking about something with Jihoon, eyes still filled with the same stars as when he heard Seokmin sing for the first time. Wonwoo and Mingyu are playfully bickering, just like many nights spent in the library back in college._

_Jun kisses Minghao’s hand that’s intertwined with his own as they talk to Seokmin, a habit he’s never let go of, even now. Jeonghan rests his head on Jisoo’s shoulder, exhausted, while Seungcheol runs a hand through Jeonghan’s hair as Jisoo fiddles with the engagement ring on Seungcheol’s finger, reminding Soonyoung of movie nights at their apartment, watching his hyungs cuddle on the couch._

_And Chan, his_ husband _, looks at him, smiling pretty and bright like when Soonyoung gave him the dinosaur toy all those years ago, and Soonyoung knows that even though nothing is the same, nothing has changed, either.)_

Chan is a blossoming kid, stepping closer and closer to adulthood. Soonyoung isn’t that much older nor is he really an adult, but he knows he’s grown a lot since he was Chan’s age. Chan’s hardworking, the kind of person who focuses heavily on himself and being better in every way he can. Soonyoung is excited to see how Chan will develop as a person, because he knows Chan will be an amazing one, but he’s scared to know Chan will do a lot of that development when Soonyoung is hours away if he goes to college. He’s going to miss out on some big moments in Chan’s life, when for the last decade, every event, big or small, has happened side by side, together.

“I’m scared,” Soonyoung manages to say. He can’t relay to Jun about his fears in a way the other will understand, so he hopes those two words are enough.

Jun has known Soonyoung since he came to Korea four years ago. Soonyoung was the one who helped him improve his Korean, the one who introduced him to the friends he has now. Soonyoung also looks tormented within his own mind right now, so Jun figures the least he could do is put him out of his misery.

“I know what it’s like to be afraid of change,” Jun replies. “I came here barely knowing how to say ‘hello.’ But think about it. If I didn’t embrace that change and come here, where would I be? I wouldn’t have met you or any of the guys. I’d still be that kid in China who hung out in the back alleys to dance.”

“So what’s there to gain for me?”

“What isn’t?” Jun asks. “You get a future. You have a stable career. You get a boyfriend.”

“And if I lose that?”

Jun shakes his head. “Stop being so fucking stubborn.”

“Answer my question then.”

“Then you just have to take it as it comes. In this case, I really think the risk is worth the reward.”

“Thanks, but no. I like where things are now and I don’t need anything to change.” He makes a move toward the front of the gym, where some of the dancers have stopped running and are stretching.

“Jihoon probably felt the same way, you know,” Jun calls behind him. “And look where he is now.”

When he leaves with Chan after dance practice, they’re both surprised to see Jihoon sitting on the curb next to Soonyoung’s car. He doesn’t say anything and just climbs into the passenger seat the moment he hears Soonyoung unlock his car.

The drive home is awkward. He and Chan would usually spend the time just talking about anything, since conversation flows so easily between them, but it’s hard to do when Chan is in the backseat and Jihoon’s tension permeates the 2005 Toyota Camry. Soonyoung and Chan make eye contact in the rearview mirror, both edging the other to break the silence, but neither do.

Once they arrive in the cul-de-sac, Jihoon waits until Chan’s gone inside his house before he finally speaks. “I fucked up.”

Soonyoung takes his key out of the ignition. “How bad?”

“More than that one time Mingyu thought it would be funny to cut Jeonghan-hyung’s hair while he slept.”

Soonyoung’s mind flashes back to being 12 and hearing a blood-curdling scream in the middle of the night. He nearly leapt up off the floor and accidentally hit Chan in the face by his spasm. The source of the scream held some locks of hair in one hand while the other pulled at the carpet, searching for some savior. Jeonghan, meanwhile, was straddling Mingyu, holding the criminal scissors against his throat, dangerously close to a vein.

“Hansol’s 10th birthday was fucking wild,” Soonyoung recalls. “Could you really have fucked up more than that?”

Jihoon nods vigorously. “I’m a fucking dumbass. The biggest dumbass in the world. So big even you would say I’m a dumbass.”

Soonyoung ignores the insult, having become accustomed to Jihoon’s brashness over the years. “So what did you do?”

Jihoon sighs. He runs a hand through his hair roughly, then leans back in his seat. “I fucked up.”

“I know you fucked up. But how?”

Jihoon mumbles something under his breath.

“What?”

More mumbling.

“What?”

Jihoon mutters.

“Oh my God, just say it already!”

“Do you want to fucking hear it or not?!”

“Woah, calm down, Jihoon-ah,” Soonyoung says. Funny, normally Jihoon is the one telling him to chill out. “Start from the beginning. And slowly, please.”

Jihoon breathes. “Okay. So, after I got off the phone with you, I bought Seokmin’s coffee just the way he likes it, iced caffe mocha with extra cream, and he was like, ‘You remembered?’ And of course I did, because it’s Seokmin and I remember everything about him. Except then I accidentally told him that, and he started blushing.”

“That’s all? It’s not awful, but—”

“I’m not done,” Jihoon snaps. “Anyways, he asks me what I mean by that, and I didn’t know how respond, so I just started talking about electrons and protons. We’re two hours in and it starts getting dark, and I offered to call my mom to pick us up, but Seokmin said he wanted to talk to me about something. I thought he just didn’t want to talk about it with my mom in the car, so I was going to call you or Mingyu, but then he said he wanted us to be alone.”

“And then?”

“Stop interrupting me,” groans Jihoon. “We were walking home together and my stomach started growling, so we stopped by the convenience store and bought some lamb skewers and ramyeon and Seokmin said we should eat at the park, so we did. Then we were looking at the sky, and Seokmin jokes about how you and Chan do that all the time. I agreed and he was like, ‘But I think I understand. It’s romantic, isn’t it, hyung?’ and I just nodded. We were eating in silence and I was comfortable and everything, but then he asks, ‘Can I ask you a question, hyung?’ and I thought it was going to be about chemistry, so I said yes.”

_Seokmin smiled at Jihoon, his heart pounding rapidly in his chest. He was done waiting and he didn’t think he’d ever have a better opportunity than this. Plus, with the way Jihoon had been so kind to him today, tutoring him and buying him food, made Seokmin sure Jihoon felt the same way, at least a little._

_“You can’t get mad,” Seokmin said. “Promise?”_

_“That’s not a question.”_

_“Okay, I meant more like, can I do something to you? It’s nothing illegal, I swear.”_

_Jihoon stared at him. “That’s not very convincing, Seokmin-ah. But sure.”_

_Seokmin could feel his blood run through his veins in anxiety and excitement. “Close your eyes, please, hyung.”_

_“What are you going to do?” Jihoon questioned, a soft smirk on his face. Seokmin would never hurt him._

_“It’s a surprise,” responded Seokmin. “Now do it!”_

_“Yes, hyung!” Jihoon laughed and shut his eyes. Seokmin’s always so damn adorable._

_Seokmin took in a deep breath, leaned in, and…._

“He kissed you?” Soonyoung repeats.

Jihoon nods. “Yes.”

“Lips on lips, face to face, all that?!”

“Yes!” Jihoon throws his hands up in frustration. “I could feel his breath against my lips and I’m pretty sure he could hear the sound of my heart beating and his lips are really soft. And it felt so good; I’ve ever felt anything like that. It was like there were fireworks going off in my heart and I was electrified and I just knew Seokmin was all I wanted in life. We kissed for 5 seconds maximum but God, it felt like forever, but in a good way. His lips taste like coconut, did you know?”

 _No; how the fuck would I?_ Soonyoung thinks. “And then?”

“I ran.”

“You what?”

“I fucking sprinted out of the park. I think I left my food there or I dropped it or something. I just bolted. I didn’t even turn around, not even when I heard Seokmin calling after me. I didn’t stop until I got home.”

“You…” Soonyoung begins. “You really did fuck up.”

“I know!” Jihoon cries. “Did you see Seokmin today? He looked like he’d been crying all night! And it’s because of me.”

“You don’t know that for certain,” is what Soonyoung wants to say, even though it’s a lie, so instead he responds, “Then why did you do it? You’ve liked Seokmin for a while. Last night could have been your moment.”

“I know,” repeats Jihoon, anguished. “I wish I could justify it, but I can’t.”

“What happened to taking the risk? We just talked about it, too.”

“I was ready to dive in. I just didn’t think it would be so soon. It’s like Seokmin knew I was willing to finally make a move.” Jihoon pauses. “But then I went and fucked it up. I bet he doesn’t even want to see me now.”

“Seokmin isn’t that cruel,” Soonyoung says. “If you just explained what happened, he’d understand.”

“And what am I supposed to say?” Jihoon almost screeches. “Just go up to him and say, ‘Sorry for rejecting you, Seokminnie, I’m actually in love with you. Please love me again even though I just broke your heart’?”

“Uh, yes?”

Jihoon hits Soonyoung on the arm. “Do you think it’s that fucking easy? Seokmin won’t take me seriously if I just do it now. He’ll think I’m just playing with his feelings.”

“Then what else can you do?”

Jihoon takes a moment to think. “I don’t know. I fucked up.”

“Yeah, you really did.”

Soonyoung’s doing his homework ( _who the fuck assigns homework in the first week of school?_ ) in his room when someone walks in and promptly flops onto the bed. Soonyoung barely flinches, having gotten accustomed to such intrusions over the years.

“Hey Channie,” he greets without even turning around; Chan is the only one who’s comfortable enough to just lie on his bed like that. “What’s up?”

“I’m bored,” Chan simply responds. “Entertain me, hyung.”

Soonyoung twirls around in his hair. He smiles. “And how do you expect me to do that?”

Chan smiles back, pretty and soft. “I don’t know. You can tell me what happened with Jihoon-hyung and Seokmin-hyung.”

Soonyoung shakes his head and ruffles Chan’s hair. “Sorry, I can’t tell you.”

“But hyung,” Chan whines, “you already tell me everything! Even that one time you cut Jeonghan-hyung’s hair and blamed it on Mingyu-hyung!”

“Yes, but those are things related to me. This, unfortunately, is about Jihoon, my best friend, so my lips are shut.”

“I thought I was your best friend.”

Soonyoung blinks. Chan sounds hurt; it’s odd. “It’s different with you. Plus, isn’t Hansol your best friend?”

“Why is it different with me?”

Soonyoung’s heart is already racing in his chest. Damn Chan and his ability to pick apart everything Soonyoung says and does with minimal effort. “It just is, Chan.”

“Hansol-hyung’s my best friend,” Chan says, as if it’s consolation. “You’re different for me, too.”

( _“How many fucking times have you two indirectly confessed to each other?” Minghao asks. “I’ve counted, like, at least 17.”_

_“I was a linguistics and philosophy double major and I don’t even know how it’s possible for you guys to have said ‘I love you’ in 20,000 different ways,” Wonwoo sighs._

_“I love you doesn’t have to be those three words. It can be something as simple as, ‘get home safe’ or ‘I got you food’,” Seungcheol says._

_Jeonghan hits him on the shoulder. “Shut up, old man.”_

_“Stop stealing quotes from Tumblr blogs,” Joshua chimes in.)_

“Jihoonie’s just being...ugh, I don’t even know.” Soonyoung rubs his eyes. “He’s being a dumbass; that’s all i can tell you.”

“Do you agree with Mingyu-hyung, then? That Jihoon-hyung deserves this?” Chan wonders.

“No, not like that,” Soonyoung answers. “I get what Mingyu means, but from Jihoon’s perspective, he really didn’t mean for it to end up this way. I’m conflicted.”

“So did Jihoon-hyung make a move? Is that what happened?”

“I already told you, Chan, I’m not going to spill Jihoon’s secrets,” Soonyoung reprimands, lightly. “I guess I just feel like Jihoon couldn’t possibly predict what happened, but at the same time, he should’ve expected it to happen at some point. Does that make sense?”

Chan nods slowly, as if processing the new information. “Then do you think Jihoon-hyung should have done what Mingyu-hyung said and taken the chance?”

“Maybe?” Soonyoung guesses. “I don’t know, but I think it would’ve worked out in Jihoon’s favor in the end.”

Chan sits up from Soonyoung’s bed. “Okay. Thank you, hyung.”

“Thank me for what?”

“I got my answer.”

Before Soonyoung can ask any more questions, Chan pulls Soonyoung up to stand. He looks Soonyoung directly in the eye. something determined flashing behind them. He takes in a deep breath. “Can I ask you a question, hyung?”

“Of course, Channie. Anything.”

“Will you go out with me?”

Soonyoung grins. “Is that all? Yeah, sure. I’ll grab my keys and we can go wherever you want. I’m craving some ice cream. We can go to the new shop that opened by Seungkwan’s house or maybe we should—”

Chan laughs and cuts him off. “No, hyung, not like that.”

“Then what?”

“Will you go on a date with me, Kwon Soonyoung?”

Soonyoung’s brain malfunctions. He thinks he understands exactly how Jihoon felt the moment Seokmin kissed him, like the floor beneath him gave way and he was suddenly submerged in icy water. His heart is beating so fast Soonyoung’s afraid he might die of a heart attack before he’s reached his 20th birthday. He can’t even formulate words at this point; everything in his mind is just a jumble of _Chanchanchanchanchan_ and _Chanjustaskedmeout_ and _holyfuckwhatdoIdonow?_.

The joy on Chan’s face wavers. His eyes start to water as his lower lip trembles and Soonyoung feels bile threaten to come up from his throat. Soonyoung opens his mouth to say something, anything, but he cannot get a single sound out.

Chan smiles bitterly as a tear rolls down his cheek. “I see. Thank you, hyung.”

“Chan—” Soonyoung tries to say, but his mouth is dry, so it sounds like a grumble. He hears Chan’s footstep go down the stairs before he falls down onto his bed and screams into a pillow. Once he’s gotten that out of his system, he calls Jihoon’s cell phone and says, “I fucked up.”

The next day, Sonyoung can’t help but be reminded of the fight he had with Chan 5 years ago and the silence that followed. He had waited for Chan to come over to his house like he normally did every morning, only to get a text from Mingyu saying that Chan had decided to ride with him, and also _what the hell did you do hyung?,_ so Soonyoung drives Jihoon to school instead and their whole ride consists of them yelling at each other for being an idiot.

“Why the fuck did you do that, dumbass?!” Jihoon roars.

“I don’t know! I panicked!” Soonyoung barks.

“You didn’t even say anything!”

“Fuck off! At least I didn’t run away like you did!”

“You probably would have if you weren’t at home!”

“You left Seokmin alone in the park at night! What if he got murdered?!”

“Chan’s been in love with you for over 10 years, while Seokmin’s liked me for 5 max. Therefore, you fucked up more.”

“When did this become a goddamn competition?” Soonyoung yells, loud enough to make Jihoon quiet. “We both fucked up. Can we leave it at that?”

Jihoon swallows, then nods. “Why are we like this?”

“We’re best friends?” Soonyoung offers.

“No, not that.”

“We’re both two idiots who are afraid of taking a risk and as a result have lost the person we care about most?”

“That’s more like it.”

A pause.

“So what do we do now?” Soonyoung asks.

“Beg at their feet?” Jihoon suggests. “Shit, I don’t even want to go to school. I know Mingyu’s going to be on both our asses the moment he sees us.”

“Jun, too,” Soonyoung adds. “And, God forbid, if Jeonghan-hyung hears anything…”

“We’re fucking dead,” Jihoon finishes. “But I don’t want to avoid Seokmin, either. He already has the wrong idea about me; I don’t want to make it worse.”

“I get it. Chan started crying. He tried to hide it, but I saw those tears. It broke my heart.”

“Even when we were kids, you hated seeing Chan cry. Remember when he cried because we were supposed to go to the amusement park but it started raining?”

Soonyoung laughs. “Yeah, and then I said I was going to fight the sky for him, so I threw Hansol’s soccer ball into the air.”

“And it broke Hansol’s bedroom window. God, his 10th birthday really was something else,” Jihoon says. “Hey, can I ask you a question?”

“The last time someone asked me that, I made them cry,” Soonyoung reminds as he thinks back to last night. “But sure.”

“When did you start liking Chan?”

It’s not a point in time, Soonyoung thinks. Chan’s been a part of Soonyoung’s life for so long that Soonyoung can barely remember what his life was like before Chan. From the very beginning, when he saw the moving van across the way of his cul-de-sac, he felt _something_ special. He never expected this special something to be a small, 18-month-old child with eyes that shine like the sun and a smile so bright it could blind someone. Chan’s been important to Soonyoung for a majority of his life to the point where Soonyoung can’t pinpoint when Chan became special, became something he cherished, became vital like water and Soonyoung’s _everything_.

“Chan’s always been important,” Soonyoung answers. It’s the easiest way to put it; he doesn’t know what this feeling is, only that he cares about Chan very much and can’t stand to lose him.

“Seokmin’s important to me, too, but I think I’d describe what I feel for him differently. You should try it instead of dancing around whatever fear you have for the word love.”

“I don’t love Chan,” Soonyoung snaps but it feels like poison on his lips. “Not like that, i mean. He’s just special.”

“You’re so fucking annoying when it comes to this,” Jihoon spits. “Whatever. The bell just rang. Let’s go to class.”

Soonyoung feels his stomach do cartwheels throughout the day before lunch. He can taste the air of awkwardness awaiting him later on, and though every inch of his mind is screaming at him to camp out in the library for 50 minutes, his heart tells him he has to face his problems, has to face Chan, and settle everything sooner or later. His phone buzzes in his pocket.

 **_lee_jihoon:_ ** _Are you ready to fucking die?_

 **_kwonfire:_ ** _No, but I have to eventually._

 **_kwonfire:_ ** _Do you think they’ll both be sad?_

 **_lee_jihoon:_ ** _I don’t know, but if I go another day without seeing Seokmin smile, I might throw myself off a cliff._

Soonyoung waits for Jihoon to get out of class and they, as slowly as they can, walk to meet the rest of their friends. His heart threatens to fall out of his ass with dread as he clenches his sweaty fists. _What if I just move to Japan? I’ll rename myself as Takahashi Hoshi and become an astronomer there. It sounds better than this_

Chan’s laughter snaps him out of his relocation plan. Contrary to what Soonyoung expected, Chan looks entirely normal, maybe even a little bit happier, as if the events of the night before didn’t happen. He’s telling jokes to Seokmin, who wears his signature gummy smile.

“What the fuck?” Jihoon whispers. “Did we just dream the last two nights happened?”

“It’s good they’re back to normal,” Soonyoung murmurs back. “But like…”

“I guess Seokmin doesn’t like me as much as I thought,” Jihoon mutters, more to himself than anything.

Soonyoung knows it’s selfish to feel disappointed Chan isn’t moping around like he had hoped, especially considering Soonyoung would have been the cause of Chan’s unhappiness. He should feel good to know Chan isn’t hurting, but all it does is make Soonyoung wonder if Chan really had any feelings for him at all, because if their roles were reversed, Soonyoung would be curled up in a ball in his bed, sobbing.

“So much for Chan being in love with me for a decade, huh?” Soonyoung tells Jihoon, who looks at him with pity in his eyes. He takes a seat directly next to Chan to make his presence known. It’s cruel, selfish, and petty, but he doesn’t care.

“Hi, hyung,” Chan greets. “Sorry for ditching you this morning. Mingyu-hyung and I went to get breakfast with Seokmin-hyung.”

Soonyoung’s lower lip trembles. Chan is so unfazed and calm that he wonders if the previous evening’s events were just a fever dream. “It’s okay, Chan. Do you need a ride home today?”

Chan shakes his head. “No, thank you, hyung. Seokmin-hyung and I are going to the mall.”

“Oh, really?” Soonyoung glances at Jihoon. “Do you need a ride? I’ll come with. The more the merrier, right?”

“Actually, Chan and I were hoping to be alone,” Seokmin says as he subtly pushes Chan behind him protectively. “I’m sorry, hyung.”

Jihoon makes eye contact with Soonyoung from behind Seokmin, looking confused and hurt. Soonyoung tries to ignore the feeling of his heart getting ripped from his chest, so he nods and then takes a seat next to Jun and Mingyu.

“You look like someone told you Shinee disbanded,” Jun comments. “What’s up?”

“I think Chan has a date with Seokmin,” Soonyoung states, tongue feeling foreign in his mouth.

“And?”

“It makes me feel…” _Like my stomach is digesting itself, makes the blood in my veins run cold, makes me want to run away and cry and never come back, makes me want to punch Seokmin in the nose._ “...bad.”

“I guess you and Jihoon-hyung are in the same boat now.” Mingyu stares at them both. “Sucks.”

“We really don’t need the fucking sass right now, Kim Mingyu,” Jihoon snaps.

“Then maybe you shouldn’t have led them on so much,” Mingyu bites right back. “I don’t think you know how much you hurt Seokmin the other night, hyung.”

Jihoon opens his mouth to explain himself, but cannot. Mingyu just doesn’t get it, doesn’t get how scared Jihoon is to open up and how much he truly cherishes Seokmin. He’s stupid and took things for granted, he knows, but Mingyu isn’t helping by rubbing it in his face either.

Soonyoung looks at his best friend, understanding the emotions Jihoon is going through right now. Perhaps this is why they’re best friends, despite seeming so different externally. “Please, let it go, Mingyu.”

“You fucked up with Chan too, right, hyung?” Mingyu accuses. “Hansol told me.”

“What?” is all Soonyoung can reply, dumbly.

“You don’t even know what you did?” Mingyu spits, then scoffs. “You know what your problem is? Both of you seem to fucking think that if you ignore your feelings, they'll just go away, like a sore throat or some shit. That’s not how it works! In the end, you just hurt people because you don’t want to be hurt yourselves, and that’s just fucking selfish.”

“For fuck’s sake, Mingyu, cut it out already!” Jun all but yells. “All you’re doing is driving the knife in deeper. Why are you so goddamn invested in this?”

“Hyung, I’ve listened to Chan and Seokmin sob about this for years,” Mingyu says. “Maybe I just want to see the roles reversed, for once.”

( _“What was your problem?” Wonwoo asks his boyfriend, amused._

_Mingyu flushes. “To be honest, I think I was just jealous. Like, I just wanted to be loved, not deal with everyone else’s bullshit, but instead all my friends were trying to fuck each other while I was the outlier.”_

_“What do you mean? I was there, too,” Jun corrects._

_“And you were busy fucking everyone else, hyung,” Chan quips._

_Minghao turns to Jun. “God, you really were a mess before you met me, huh?”)_

Kwon Soonyoung (age 17, extroverted, loud, dancer, loves Lee Chan, Gemini, hates boiled chicken, messy) and Lee Jihoon (also 17, in love with Lee Seokmin, quiet, introverted, spends all his time writing and composing songs, methodical, Scorpio) are as opposite as sun and moon, best friends, and have one thing in common: stupidity. Later, when Soonyoung and Chan have just adopted their first child and Jihoon is planning to propose to Seokmin, the two best friends will reflect on how utterly in denial and just plain dumb they were as kids and share laughs. At this point in time, however, Soonyoung and Jihoon are just stupid, naive, and unaware teenage boys who don’t know how to say three very simple words that could almost instantly solve their problems.

And because they’re stupid, they decide it’s a good idea to stalk Seokmin and Chan on their possible date.

There’s only one mall within range of their town, so right after school, Soonyoung and Jihoon drive there and wait. Soonyoung initially wanted to follow Chan and Seokmin from the moment they left campus, but Jihoon pointed out how easily they would be noticed, as well as the fact that any observant stranger could make the assumption Seokmin and Chan were being stalked and call the cops.

It’s about a 45 minute bus ride from their school to the mall, giving Soonyoung and Jihoon ample time to think about all their failed decisions that led up to this point. Neither of them are happy, to say the least.

“Why did I do that?” Jihoon ponders aloud. “Why? He was right there. I could have kissed him back. I did kiss him back. And then I ran. Like a coward.”

“I made Chan cry,” repeats Soonyoung. “I made Chan cry. I promised myself like 10 years ago that I would never make Chan cry ever again, but I did. Oh, God, I made Chan cry.”

Both boys are stuck in their poor decision-induced hells, contemplating and begging some higher being for a second chance, when Jihoon notices Chan’s distinct duck ass shaped hair walking into the mall. He shakes Soonyoung’s arm roughly and after a few minutes, the two dumbasses make their way inside.

It’s a weekday, so the mall is somewhat empty, but not enough so that Soonyoung and Jihoon would easily be seen. He scans the area for his childhood friend and gestures to Jihoon once he’s found his target.

Jihoon and Soonyoung watch as Chan grins at something Seokmin said, both of them doubling over in laughter. Seokmin points to a mannequin in the window of one of the stores and etners with Chan. The other two enter a store directly across, giving them an adequate view of their respective love interests.

“What are they doing?” Jihoon asks. “Why this store?

“Are you kidding me?” Soonyoung questions. “Chan loves this store. He gets all his jeans here.”

“Sorry I don’t dedicate all my time to studying everything Lee Chan does, unlike some of us.”

“Yeah, you just choose to spend your time memorizing how many eyelashes Seokmin has instead.”

( _Soonyoung gently releases his hold on Chan and gets out of bed, smiling when Chan grumbles and reaches out in search of warmth. Soonyoung then places a hand on Chan’s forehead and frowns when he realizes it’s still hot to the touch._

_He walks down the hall to the kitchen. Going to Jeonghan’s uncle’s ski resort for a week as a vacation seemed like a good idea, and it really was; he and all his friends had so much fun, creating memories he knows they’ll look back on fondly even decades later. That is, until the day before they were supposed to go home, a blizzard hit, leaving them snowed in the cabin. It wouldn’t have been a bad thing if there wasn’t a flu that spread to half of them, which Minghao vehemently blames on Mingyu, who never covers his mouth when he sneezes._

_Thankfully, the storm was only supposed to last a couple more days, but with no way to even get out of the cabin and their only source of food being what felt like infinite instant ramyeon (a result of still being accustomed to the broke college student life) meant that the Diseased, as Wonwoo had called them, were bedridden._

_When Soonyoung makes it to the kitchen to grab Chan some water and make him some soup, he’s surprised to see the light on and Jihoon standing in front of the coffee maker, clad in a too big sweatshirt Soonyoung knows is Seokmin’s._

_“Why are you awake?” Soonyoung asks. “It’s like, 2 am.”_

_“Seokmin won’t stop coughing,” answers Jihoon. “I thought some coffee would help.”_

_“Isn’t it better to have tea?”_

_Jihoon shakes his head. “Not with Minnie. When he gets sick, he wants coffee, three cream, four sugar, stirred thoroughly and with ice cubes because if it’s too hot it burns him, but only three ice cubes max because after that it just becomes iced coffee.”_

_“Of course you’d know that,” Soonyoung teases. “You’re whipped, man.”_

_“Oh? And how are you making Chan’s ramyeon?” Jihoon counters._

_“Normally, it’s half a packet of seasoning, add soy sauce, kimchi, two eggs, bean sprouts, pork, and…” Soonyoung pauses when he notices Jihoon’s smirk. “Damn it. You got me.”_

_“At least we aren’t denying it anymore,” Jihoon says. “Thank God we finally grew up. Now we get to do all the cheesy shit without feeling embarrassed.”_

_“Amen to that,” agrees Soonyoung and begins to make Chan’s ramyeon, fueled by the thought of cuddling his boyfriend to death once he’s finished with the food.)_

Soonyoung and Jihoon continue to follow Seokmin and Chan around as discreetly as they can. The closest the younger pair have had to seeing the older pair came when Seokmin had dropped his wallet under a rack of clothes. He was on his hands and knees searching for it while a man at least twice his age behind him not-too-subtly stared in interest. Soonyoung had to physically restrain Jihoon from punching the man in the face, whisper-yelling, “Jihoon-ah! He’s 10 times your size! If he flicks you on the forehead you’re done for!”

For the most part, Seokmin and Chan seem to be having fun together, cracking jokes and occasionally buying something from one of the stores. It’s as if the last couple of nights hadn’t happened, as if Soonyoung and Jihoon hadn’t made the biggest mistakes in their lives.

Perhaps it’s meant to be this way. Maybe Soonyoung and Jihoon had to be dumbasses and reject the most important people in their lives so their would-be lovers could find each other. Soonyoung never expected that, of all the people in their friend group, Chan would fall for Seokmin, but here they are. If Chan is happy, then Soonyoung is too. Or at least he’ll try to be.

Chan’s happiness is most evident in the food court. Seokmin and Chan are sitting in a booth across from each other when Seokmin gets up. Soonyoung debates going up to Chan and apologizing at Chan’s feet for several minutes when Seokmin returns carrying a tray with two bowls of bulgogi and some side dishes on it.

“I took Seokmin here two weeks ago!” Jihoon softly exclaims. “I showed him that restaurant! This is our restaurant! Soonyoung, he took Chan to our restaurant!”

“Maybe he just wanted so eat something cheap from the food court,” offers Soonyoung, though he’s unconvinced.

“You and I both know Seokmin would rather live the rest of his life eating from a convenience store before he ever ate something that cost more than $10, let alone treat someone out for a meal,” Jihoon states. “They must really be on a date, then.”

(Seokmin sets the tray on the table. “I hope you like the food.”

“Thank you, hyung.” Chan grabs a pair of chopsticks and rubs them together. “I had fun today.”

“I did too, Chan. It was a good distraction from what happened.”

“So we’re finally going to discuss the elephant in the room?” Chan asks with a sad smile. “I’m sorry if you don’t want to talk about it right now, hyung, but I can’t pretend like everything is okay anymore.”

Seokmin laughs bitterly and ruffles Chan’s hair. “You know, Jihoon-hyung took me here like 10 days ago. I thought it was going to be like a date, because he paid for me and everything, but then he wanted to go home and have me sing one of the songs he composed and I knew he just wanted me to be his beta vocal or something like that.”)

“He could’ve gone to any restaurant in this damn food court and he chose the one we went to!” Jihoon continues.

“You’re being so fucking dramatic,” Soonyoung groans. Later, he’ll tease Jihoon to no end about how all his composure and aloofness is gone, replaced with panic normally associated with Soonyoung. “What if he just likes the food here?”

(“Jihoon-hyung has a weird way of showing his feelings,” Chan muses. “It’s nothing against you.”

“I thought so, but then he ran away,” Seokmin says with a sigh. “I don’t know anymore. I knew Jihoon-hyung would be weird about it because he’s emotionally repressed and whatnot, but like, I didn’t think he’d literally leave me alone in the park at midnight. To be fair, though, I did do it out of nowhere. I probably scared him.”

“Mingyu-hyung keeps on saying that Jihoon-hyung deserves it, but I don’t know,” Chan replies. “Jihoon-hyung didn’t mean it, hyung, I can assure you. He’s just being stupid.”

“Thank you for that, Channie.” Seokmin smiles, and this time there’s some light behind his eyes. “For what it’s worth, I think Soonyoung-hyung didn’t mean what he did, either.”

“I guess,” Chan says. “Soonyoung-hyung’s always been too far for me to reach. Even when we were younger, he’d be running and going places and no matter how fast I sprinted, I could never catch up. I should’ve known this time would be no different.”)

“What if he’s trying to erase any memory of me by using Chan?” Jihoon asks. “What if I hurt him so bad he feels like he has to do that?”

 _You’re overestimating how much he loved you_ , Soonyoung thinks, and tells Jihoon this. “Plus, why would it be here, of all places? What about the music room or the library? Those places are a lot more meaningful to you guys than this fucking mall.”

“You’re being really fucking nonchalant for someone watching the love of their life fall for someone else,” Jihoon snaps.

“Chan is not the love of my life,” is instinctive on Soonyoung’s lips, but he refrains. Soonyoung’s still young and he knows there’s plenty of time for him to meet another person to love, but at the same time, he’s cared for Chan for the past 13 years without stopping and can’t imagine anyone else ever making him feel the same way. He tells himself it’s not love; it’s just that Chan is special and precious and Soonyoung promised his mother to protect Chan and Soonyoung is a man of his word.

It’s a shitty lie, but he’s too far into denial to realize this.

(“He’s an idiot,” Seokmin says as he takes a bite of his bibimbap. “I don’t think you know how much Soonyoung-hyung loves you, Chan.”

“It’s just because he’s known me since I was a year old,” Chan states. “He’s like an older brother, so he wants to protect me.”

“You really don’t see it?” questions Seokmin incredulously.

“See what?”

“Everything?” Seokmin puts down his chopsticks. “Like how special you are to him? How he always talks about you even when you’re not around, like he can’t go a second without thinking about you? The way he looks at you like you’re his world and more?”

Chan shakes his head.

“God, who’s the real idiot here?” Seokmin makes a come hither motion with his finger. “Can I tell you a secret, Chan?”)

“I told you, I just want to make sure Chan doesn’t get hurt,” Soonyoung repeats. “He’s my favorite dongsaeng.”

“So it’s fine if you’re the one hurting him? Is that it?” Jihoon scoffs. When Soonyoung doesn’t reply immediately, he rolls his eyes and turns around and gasps. “Soonyoung-ah! Soonyoung-ah!”

“What?!” Soonyoung yelps, startled. “And shut the fuck up! They’re going to hear us!”

Jihoon points to the two sitting in the booth. “They’re gonna kiss!”

Seokmin waits until Chan begins to lean in and gets ready to whisper about how Jun said that at a party Soonyoung once drunkenly babbled about how he wanted to mary Chan when Chan is roughly yanked away.

Seookmin searches for the cause of the disruption. To Chan’s left is none other than Lee Jihoon himself in all his 5’5’’ glory. He’s got one hand on Chan’s shoulder, the other being pulled back by Soonyoung.

“Jihoon-ah! For fuck’s sake, let go!” Soonyoung screeches, just as Chan whimpers, “Hyung! It hurts!”

Soonyoung feels a fire ignite within him once he hears Chan is hurt and roughy tugs Jihoon away from Chan. The force of the pull is enough to send Jihoon’s small frame flying backward. He crashes into a booth across from them, thankfully empty, but hits his head on the table, not hard enough for a concussion, but enough to hurt like a bitch.

Jihoon’s blinking back stars when Seokmin’s concerned face comes into his vision. He feels a weight on his legs and realizes Seokmin is almost laying on top of him, checking to see if his head is bleeding.

“Hyung?” Seokmin asks. “Can you hear me?”

“Yeah,” grunts Jihoon.

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

“Two...no three...seven?”

“What is your name?”

“Lee Seokhoon.”

“Where do you live?”

“In a house.”

Seokmin asks a few more questions before he determines Jihoon is, at the very least, alive, if only barely. He sits back up on his legs, only to realize he’s straddling Jihoon, and quickly hops off. He helps Jihoon to stand, makes him walk in a straight line a couple of times, and then deems Jihoon might have a concussion

Soonyoung, meanwhile, is fussing over Chan’s shoulder. He knows Jihoon would never really hurt Chan, but Jihoon is stronger than he thinks and looks and there’s no telling how rough he’d be in such an emotionally distraught state.

“I’m okay, hyung,” Chan whines. “It just stings a little, like a pinch. I didn’t get bruised or anything, not like Jihoon-hyung.”

Soonyoung focuses his attention to his best friend who’s currently leaning on Seokmin for support. He walks up and apologizes, brows furrowing with concern when Jihoon doesn’t even reach up to punch him in the face in retaliation for flinging him into the booth and making him hit head head.

“Jihoon-ah,” Soonyoung says. “Do you want to go to the hospital?”

“‘m fine,” Jihoon slurs, but attributes his dazedness to the lack of sleep over the last couple of nights since the Seokmin Incident. “Gonna kill you later, though. Maybe piss in your coffee.”

Seokmin smiles. “He’s okay. Thank God. I was so scared!”

Soonyoung flushes. He admits, “That was my fault, Jihoonie. I’m so sorry. I’ll drive you to get coffee at 2 am whenever you want from here on out.”

“Why the hell did you do that, hyung?” Chan questions. “Why did Jihoon-hyung try to tear my arm out? Plus, why are you guys here?”

Soonyoung feels his heart stop for a moment. The minor disaster allowed him to forget the rest of the chaos that occured over the last two days and for a second, he felt like it was normal again. Chan’s question, however, forces Soonyoung to actually think about how the events transpired because of his and Jihoon’s shared stupidity. He can’t figure out how to tell Chan that without explicitly confessing his feelings, so luckily, or not, Jihoon does it for him.

“Thought you were on a date,” Jihoon murmurs, mostly into Seokmin’s shoulder. “Then we saw you two kiss ‘nd I had to stop you.”

Seokmin glances at Chan. “So you followed us?”

“‘Twas Soonyoung’s idea,” Jihoon replies. “‘Cause he’s a dumbass.”

“Why did you have to stop it, hyung?” Chan prods.

“Isn’t is obvious?” Jihoon snaps drowsily and with no bite. “I love him. I think.”

Seokmin almost lets go of Jihoon, in shock. “You love me?”

“You think?” Chan echoes, but bites his lip.

“Dunno,” slurs Jihoon. “Minnie makes me feel warm and happy. Like a volcano. But I like it.”

“You rejected Seokmin-hyung, remember?” Chan recalls. “What happened to that?”

Soonyoung’s mouth opens to scold Chan for being so much into business that isn’t his, but focusing on Jihoon means Soonyoung’s role in this fiasco wil be overlooked for now. He becomes vaguely aware that people are staring and thanks every holy being out there that the mall is mostly empty.

“Got so scared,” Jihoon admits. “Minnie is too bright for me. He’s the sun. But I don’t want to lose the sun. Don’t take the sun.”

( _Jihoon’s strumming his guitar for what feels like the thousandth time. He knows this song by heart; it was one of the first songs he learned to play. The years of practice, however, do absolutely nothing to sate his nerves. What if he fucks up? What if Seokmin laughs at him?_

_He can hear the ding of the elevator and the echo of footsteps through the thin walls of their apartment, a sure sign Seokmin is coming home from work. He swallows._

_“Jihoonie, I’m home!” Seokmin shouts once he’s through the door. He notices the dark lighting. “Oh fuck, did the power go out again? I swear to God, I can’t wait until our lease is up so we can move to—”_

_He stops mid-sentence when he sees the candles on the dinner table, as well as the roses strewn about. At the end of the table is Jihoon, clad in a nice button up and slacks, smiling brightly._

_“Welcome home, Minnie,” Jihoon greets. “Take a seat.”_

_Seokmin sets down his backpack and sits down across from Jihoon. On the table is some sort of lobster dish (probably courtesy of Mingyu), garlic bread, and Seokmin’s favorite bottle of wine. “What’s the occasion?”_

_“August 18, 2004,” Jihoon answers. “Exactly 20 years ago to today, I met you for the first time.”_

_“You remembered?” Seokmin asks, amused. “How sweet.”_

_Jihoon sheepishly grins. “Kind of. I was going through our stuff a couple months ago and I found the old scrapbook our teacher gave us. One of the pictures was captioned with ‘first day of choir!’ and the date was August 18, 2004, so I had a little bit of help.”_

_“So? How did you know you met me on the first day? What if it was the fifth? 10th? 200th?” teases Seokmin._

_“I told you, I fell in love the moment I heard your voice. It was so beautiful and I just knew I’d do anything to hear it for the rest of my life.” Jihoon grabs the guitar he had propped up against the wall. “Speaking of which... I know we have this food right here, but I don’t think I can wait any longer. Would you like to hear a song?”_

_Seokmin smiles. “Of course.”_

_Jihoon begins to play a familiar tune and Seokmin can’t help but fall even more in love when he realizes it’s the song Jihoon heard him sing when he walked into the choir room all those years ago._

_“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,” Jihoon sings. He continues until the end of the song and flushes when, instead of applauding, Seokmin peppers him with kisses._

_“That was beautiful, Hoonie,” Seokmin praises. “Cheesy, but very romantic.”_

_Jihoon doesn’t know if it’s the candlelight making Seokmin’s handsome features stand out or the two shots of liquid courage he took right before Seokmin got home, but either way Jihoon feels courage running in his veins. He was going to wait until the end of the night, but decides now is the right time, lobster be damned._

_So he sets the guitar down and gets on one knee._ )

It’s the shittiest confession ever, really, when one puts it into perspective. Jihoon is half-conscious, they’re in a food court, Seokmin has hot sauce staining the sleeve of his jacket, people are staring, but the uniqueness of it all makes him want to cherish the moment forever. He’ll tease Jihoon about his word choice later down the line, but for now, it’s enough.

Seokmin beams at Jihoon and kisses his cheek softly. “Don’t worry, hyung, I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

“Fucking finally,” Chan whispers to Soonyoung, who nods in agreement. “At least that chapter in this story is over with.”

The elephant in the room is still stomping its feet and begging to be acknowledged, but Soonyoung thinks he should prioritize getting his best friend to a hospital and making sure he’s not suffering from any long-lasting damage. He and Chan take Seokmin and Jihoon to the nearest hospital and call Jihoon’s mother.

Once Jihoon is in one of the rooms and has sobered slightly from the head trauma, he tells Soonyoung and Chan to go away rather harshly. They would have been offended, had there not been a sleeping Seokmin sitting in a chair near the foot of Jihoon’s bed, head resting just by his lap. Soonyoung decides the least he could do for Jihoon is give him some alone time with his new boyfriend (though he also wonders if Jihoon even knows he confessed to Seokmin in his haze) and departs with Chan.

Soonyoung hopes the car ride will be silent so they can forget the last night’s events even happened, but just like when he was a kid, Chan never does what Soonyoung wants him to.

“Are we finally going to talk about it, hyung?” Chan asks. His voice is small, almost broken, and it makes Soonyoung want to stab himself for ever making Chan feel that way.

“Channie,” Soonyoung begins, then sighs. He doesn’t know what to say, and frankly driving while having this conversation is a big safety hazard. “Can we just...talk about this later? When I’m not driving?”

“Then what? Once we get home, you’re just going to lock yourself in your room and this won’t be resolved,” Chan says and Soonyoung hates that he’s right.

Soonyoung swallows. “Give me 10 minutes, please, Chan? I promise we’ll talk about this then.”

Soonyoung can feel his heart pounding in his chest, the way his face feels like he’s been drenched in lava, the bile in his throat. He debates jumping off the cliff and breaking a leg just so he doesn’t have to have this conversation, but he could never place the burden of guilt on Chan. No, he’s going to get this over with, and if things go south, he’ll just run away to the forest and live there for the rest of his life.

He drives up to a familiar spot, their little secluded hilltop where they watch the stars together, and parks. “Okay. Tell me what you want to say.”

“I’m always doing all the talking when it comes to us,” Chan snaps, too frustrated to care about formality and respect. “Why can’t you tell me what you feel, too? Why do I always have to be the one starting everything?”

 _Because you’re the only one brave enough to,_ Soonyoung thinks. Chan, for whatever reason, fears nothing whenever it’s about his and Soonyoung’s relationship. Soonyoung chalks it up to Chan always being the baby of their group, so if anything ever went wrong, he’d have someone older to protect and save him.

“Are you really not going to respond to me?” groans Chan. He breathes. “Can you be honest with me? Please?”

“Always,” Soonyoung answers, even though he’s a fucking liar because he hasn’t even been honest with himself for the last 13 years. If Chan’s going to put himself on the line, however, then Soonyoung should, too.

A pause. “What do you feel for me, hyung?”

Soonyoung’s mind goes back to their fight all those years ago and their reconciliation when they were locked up in Chan’s parents dance studio. He’d said Chan made him feel warm, a sentiment that still resonates today. It’s almost funny how Soonyoung has grown so much as a person, how he’s almost an adult now, but his feelings for Chan are as strong and innocent as a childhood crush. Even now, he doesn’t know how to describe what he feels for Chan other than _warmth, home, everything needs in life._

But how can he tell Chan that? Chan is looking for a definitive answer, so how can Soonyoung just tell him _you’re my everything and everything is you_ when he’s not even sure what he means? How can he willingly accept Chan’s feelings when Soonyoung doesn’t know if he can return them?

At the same time, however, Soonyoung also can’t fathom telling Chan he feels nothing and watch Chan move on. It’s selfish and possessive, he knows, but Chan has been in his life for well over a decade and Soonyoung would destroy anyone who dare take Chan away from him, not unless Chan wanted to leave.

( _“You’re undeniably the most possessive person here,” Wonwoo declares. “And it’s not even a competition.”_

_“I am not!” Soonyoung defends because the statement makes him sound like he’s a child who doesn’t know how to share his toys. “Name one time.”_

_“When you told that one guy in the audience to fuck off when he was watching Chan perform and screamed, ‘That’s mine, bitch!’?” Seungkwan offers._

_“That one time you left a huge hickey on Chan’s neck because someone at work was flirting with him and he had to wear scarves and turtlenecks for like a week in the middle of summer?” Joshua says._

_“When you proposed, one of the things you said afterward was that you could finally show all the other assholes that I’m yours,” Chan reminds, smiling fondly. “As if I haven’t always been.”)_

“I don’t know, Channie,” Soonyoung confesses.

Chan groans. “That’s not an answer, hyung.”

“I know it isn’t, Chan,” Soonyoung pleads, “but I don’t know what else to tell you.”

“God,” Chan breaths, laughing bitterly. “Do you know why I asked you out, hyung? Because I saw how Jihoon-hyung ended up and I didn’t want us to be like the same. I thought that, this whole time, I was the one avoiding everything, like I was the reason we’re stuck in this stupid limbo between friends and lovers and whatever else we are because I couldn’t fucking admit my feelings for you. And then you just sat there while I laid my heart out on the line and I figured, maybe it was in my head. Maybe I was loving someone who didn’t love me, so I thought I was being too pushy, like I was forcing you to like me back when you clearly didn’t. But then you and Jihoon-hyung were following Seokmin-hyung and me around and I knew everything wasn’t in my head because you’re not subtle at all, hyung.”

“Channie, I—,” Soonyoung begins, but is cut off.

“Please let me get this off my chest, hyung. I’ve been holding back for too long.” When Soonyoung nods, Chan continues, “Maybe it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have expected so much from you. But, like, come on, can you blame me? Hansol-hyung, Mingyu-hyung, Jeonghan-hyung, hell, even my parents have pointed it out. Random people I don’t even fucking know ask if we’re dating, and I always thought it was because I was being so obvious abou how I think you’re my world and you have been since I was 18 months old. But it’s not one-sided, is it?”

Soonyoung doesn’t answer.

Chan visibly withdraws and begins to curl in on himself. He pulls his knees up to his chest and buries his face between them. Suddenly, Soonyoung is reminded of how young Chan is, barely in high school and still naive to many things in the world. He’s still innocent and has so much to look forward to, and while Soonyoung isn’t much older, he still has more experience in life than Chan. Therefore, he should be the one handling the reins and taking control of their relationship. It’s a two-person job, he knows, but really, so much shit would be solved if he were just honest with himself and Chan. He decides to give in.

“You’re right,” Soonyoung states and it feels like he can finally breathe, like his heart has finally ripped itself from the chains connecting to his brain.

Chan’s eyes widen. He stretches his legs out at turns to look Soonyoung straight in the eye, bewilderment on his face. “I am?”

Soonyoung nods. “But I was telling the truth earlier. I...I don’t know much about anything, really. I don’t know what I want to major in, what college I want to go to, I don’t even know what I want for dinner tonight. And you know this about me. You know I’m awful at making decisions because I’m scared of change.”

“Yeah, I do,” Chan scoffs. “I remember that one time we went to Lotte World and you spent 30 minutes wondering if you wanted the pink cotton candy because they didn’t have the green one you normally get.”

Soonyoung grins, though his eyes remain serious. “Do you see what I mean then, Channie? I was torn up over fucking cotton candy. Can you imagine how scared I am of you?”

“What?”

“Shit, I’m sorry, that came out wrong. What I meant to say was that…” Soonyoung hesitates. “...you’re very important to me. You’re the most important person in my life and I can’t deny that no matter how much I try.”

Chan beams. “Thank you, hyung. You’re important to me too.”

“But at the same time,” Soonyoung continues, “I can’t afford to lose you, either, and I’m scared that if we try to make ourselves into something we’re not, we’ll just end up breaking apart in the process.”

“Something we’re not?”

Soonyoung can feel the sweat drip down his temple as his heart races fast. _This_ , he thinks, is why Chan is the one who makes all the moves between them, because Soonyoung is awful at articulating what he wants to say and that’s why most of the time he speaks before he thinks. “We’re childhood friends, partners in crime, neighbors, dance team members, and more. Why change that?”

“Why not?” Chan retorts, the fire back in his eyes.

“What would it really change between us? We already spend all our time together; we basically live in the same house at this point. Will pursuing a relationship change anything?”

“Of course!” Chan all but yells. “There’s cuddling and kissing and holding hands and going on dates and a whole bunch of other stuff that comes with a relationship! Are you telling me you don’t want any of that, hyung?”

Soonyoung glances at Chan and can’t help but visualize them in each of those scenarios. From coming home after a long day of work and falling into Chan’s arms, to secret kisses before performances, to admiring Chan’s beauty from across the table every morning during breakfast, to moans and whimpers shared between bedsheets, it’s everything Soonyoung could need and more.

“I don’t know what I want, Channie, I told you,” is what Soonyoung responds instead. The idea of doing all those things with Chan enthralls him to no end, but he can’t help but wonder about having those soft, tender moments ripped away from him in a heartbeat. He thinks of what it would be like to one day come home and find Chan gone, bags packed, and the feeling of panic in his chest is enough to make Soonyoung retreat. “And even if we tried to become something, I’m going to college, remember? Who’s to say you won’t find someone new? I can’t take that risk, okay? I can’t. I just...I want to keep you in my life for as long as I can. I can’t even imagine what it would be like if you were gone; it scares me too much.”

The ensuing silence as Chan takes a few moments to process Soonyoung’s words is uncomfortable, but not unbearable. Almost comically, Soonyoung can see the cogs in Chan’s head work their magic as he tries to piece together the ball of _what the fuck_ that is Kwon Soonyoung. Luckily, Chan’s known Soonyoung for almost his entire life, and putting the pieces of the puzzle together takes time, but it’s not impossible.

“I understand, hyung,” Chan finally concedes with a sigh. “I don’t agree, but I understand.”

“Thank you, Chan,” Soonyoung says as he turns his keys in the ignition. “You’re the only person in the world who would take the time to even try.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Chan brushes off. “I’m not happy about it, hyung, but for you, I’ll wait.”

Soonyoung’s head snaps to face Chan, nearly flipping the car in the process. “That’s not—”

“I know it’s not what you meant,” finishes Chan. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll wait for you for the next thousand years if I need to.”

“But I want you to be happy, Channie.”

“You’d make me the happiest.” Chan shrugs. “It’s okay. I’ve waited 10 years. Another 10 won’t hurt.”

Soonyoung wants to say something, but cannot. One of his favorite traits about Chan is his determination, and seeing the spark of resolve in his eyes tells Soonyoung he isn’t winning this war. He may have succeeded in avoiding the fall, but he knows the storm is coming. This time, however, Soonyoung finds he is not afraid. He’s not ready, per say, but he knows for certain he’s always going to fight for Chan, everyone else be damned.

The drive home is spent discussing the recent developments in Jihoon and Seokmin’s relationship, Jun’s new fling, dance practice, etc. It’s funny how going no more than a couple days without contact is enough for both of them to feel like the sky has lost the sun, like the moon without her stars. Conversation flows normally, even if the elephant in the room has now begun stampeding like a bull in a china shop.

Chan hasn’t received a legitimate answer, but it’s one Soonyoung can’t give him just yet. He knows it’s not going to be enough for Chan eventually. Later on, be it months or days or even years from now, Chan is going to want more, unless Chan finds someone else. The thought of Chan falling in love with another, of Chan in another person’s arms smiling and laughing with them, makes Soonyoung want to cry and scream and run away all at the same time. But he also knows if it comes to that, he has no right to say anything, not when he’s pushed Chan away like this.

Soonyoung parks his car in front of his driveway. Chan says a goodbye and walks across the cul-de-sac to his own home as Soonyoung stares at his figure. He thinks about what it will be like to no longer see Chan daily as he has his whole life. It’s...unpleasant, to say the least.

He’s ready to turn around and enter his house when Chan comes sprinting back. It’s not a long walk from Chan’s home to Soonyoung’s, so Soonyoung attributes Chan’s run to urgency. “What’s wrong, Channie?”

Chan takes a moment to catch his breath. “I—I can’t stop thinking about what you said, hyung. About how you’re afraid of change. I know you are, but with us, I don’t think you have to be.”

“I told you, I’m going to college and you’re going to be here for at least another three years. Who knows what’s going to happen?”

“I get it, hyung, you made that clear and, to be honest, I feel insulted.”

Soonyoung blinks. “What?”

“Do you actually think my feelings for you are that fickle?” Chan asks. He doesn’t wait for Soonyoung to respond before continuing, “I know you all see me as your little baby who needs to be protected, but I’m old enough now to know how I feel, and what I feel for you isn’t something fleeting that I’ll grow out of. You’re everything to me, hyung, and it’s cruel of you to think I’m not mature enough to feel that way.”

 _You’re my everything, too_ , Soonyoung thinks. “I’m sorry, Channie, but—”

“Save your excuses, hyung,” Chan cuts off, but despite the rude words there’s a mischievous glint in his eyes. “It’s okay. You’ll come around eventually.”

Chan presses a kiss to Soonyoung’s forehead, brief but enough to set Soonyoung’s cheeks on fire, and then saunters away and grins. “I’ll make sure of it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you don't mind the seokhoon and junhao bits sprinkled in here. part of me wants to write about how the other couples ended up together as a separate story within the same universe, but i want to focus on finishing this story first.  
> thank you for reading!!! next chapter is titled "i hope you think of me"


End file.
